My letter to Clinton...........What do you think I should do?

I have recently lost my boyfriend/fiance of five years. I love him more than anything. And all I want is for us to get another chance. He called me on Wednesday and we had a brief but good discussion. I now don't know what to say or do to reach out to him. So I wrote a letter summing up alot of how I feel. But I don't know if its the right thing to do or send. I guess I am seeking advice and wisdom. So if you have any please feel free to send it my way. Enclosed is the letter I wrote him, and have not yet sent. Thanks in advance for all of your comments!

LOVE


__________________________________________________________

Clinton-

First and foremost I wanted to say that I am sorry. I know that you have heard that a lot from me and its probably meaningless to you now. But I truly am. I spent the day with Jen, and I was able to acknowledge a lot of my mistakes. She is having a really hard time with Mike, her boyfriend because he still isn't staying off drugs and doing the things he keeps promising her he will do. She and I talked a long time about how she loves him so much and that he is her best friend, and she wants to help him but she doesn't know how anymore. I realized that she can't. I told her this and she knows it but doesn't want to turn her back on him. It was hard but I know that she can't help him because the same has happened to me. I know that you could not help me anymore. I told Jen what happened with you and I and that I was not seeing what I have been doing to myself, you, and my family. I have been selfish... to say the least.

I know that this probably means nothing to you now, but I have to tell you. It breaks my heart that it took loosing you and the best thing I have ever had to finally get me the help I needed. You were somewhat of a crutch to me and it enabled me not to have to get help. I now see that I have put you through so much unnecessary pain and anger. Everything that I did wrong I would drag you into it. You could only take so much and watch me for so long doing the same stupid things over and over. I hope that you know that I am so sorry and that I really never meant or saw before that I was dragging you down with all of my problems. I know that you had to do what you did because I NEEDED TO DO THIS ON MY OWN. I have to stand on my own two feet so that I could truly get better. I was not going to get better if I didn't deal with the real problems.

I have put you through so much, and for that I AM SORRY. And I want to thank you. From the bottom of my heart Clinton, thank you for putting up with me. I know that you didn't have to and I know that you shouldn't have had to. I also want you to know that in all the mistakes that I have made I have loved you purely. Throughout everything Clinton I have never stopped loving you and wanting to be with you. I know I haven't always done right by you. I know that I jeopardized what we have. I have made you take care of me when you shouldn't have had too, I have put so much pressure on you and I lied to you about getting in trouble and not coming to you when I felt like I was going to do something wrong. But Clinton never did I lie to you about how I feel, and I was never unfaithful. I know that I have done some many things wrong, but I never stopped being with you. I have been yours since the first time we kissed five years ago. Since I looked you in the eyes and told you that your lips were the only lips that I wanted mine to touch.

Nothing will haunt me like loosing you will. I have messed up the true love that we share. I have put my own selfishness ahead of what is really truly (haha dan norman) important. I will never forgive myself for loosing you. I had the best love in the world, the kind people wait their whole lives for. And I just neglected it. I did this to myself. I cannot be angry at you for walking away because I walked away when I didn't live up to my end of the bargain. I told you that I would get help and I didn't. I know that I was scared, and I felt like you didn't understand, but that is no excuse. I was wrong. God, I am so stupid. I hate myself for loosing you. I hate that I made you say mean things because its the only way you could get through to me. I hate that you hate me now and don't want anything to do with me. It makes me sick to know that I had you and I didn't cherish it and appreciate it everyday.

I want to get better. And I want to feel whole again. I miss the person that I loved and that you fell in love with. I want to be that girl again. Without all the bullshit and all the drama. I want to live an honest life, with nothing but good people around me. No more quick fixes or running away from my mistakes. I don't ever want to feel like I have nothing left and try and hurt myself and end up in the hospital. Having my parents have to see me almost dead and feeling like there is nothing left to live for. I want to have happiness and love again. I want my true friendships back. No more secrets or lies to make people love me more or impress people with. I want all of you to love me for me, not for what I can give them or do for them. Why can't I be loved that way? Why couldn't you stick around to love me and thats because I forgot how to be loved like that. I thought that the only reason someone could ever love me was because I did things for them or gave them everything they wanted. And thats what I did with you. I didn't think I deserved real love. I forgot that you could possibly love me without all of the other things.

So now I have to work on myself. Love myself again. And I do. I for the first time in about 2 years I have started liking me again. Because I have been working really hard not to lie even about the dumbest things. I want to feel good again. I want to make things right instead of running from them and blaming them on everyone else. I have been through hell these past two weeks and had to realize that I did all of this. I made this mess. No one else. I did it. And now I have to fix it. Fix it for real. No more lies, no more empty promises. No more talking my way through situations. NO MORE BULLSHIT. Just me. Flawed and real. I am not perfect and I have to stop pretending like I am, and that I want to be. I don't want to be perfect, but I do want to be real, and honest. And not ashamed. And not trying to be something I AM NOT! I don't want to impress people anymore, I want to impress myself by my honesty, and my willingness to change. To really change. To be the person I know that I am capable of being. And the person I know you know I could be. And that you wanted me to be. I want to be that girl Clinton. And I am going to be that girl. I have started to be that girl. The one that everyone including myself can be proud of, instead of embarrassed by. And most importantly the person you would want to be around, to be friends with, and maybe even be with.

I don't know how you are going to take all this. I don't know if you even care. I don't know if you are even going to read this, or if you only read a part of this because you feel like I am just full of shit. But I am not. This is so purely me that I am raw. There is no hiding behind any false promises. There is no trying to deceive you or even trying to change your mind about me. This is just 100% truth and honesty. This is what I have been too scared to admit for so long. These are the problems I have been running from and pretending don't exist. And out of this I am not begging you to go back to the way things were. I don't want to go back. I want to move forward. I want to do everything right. So this is me asking you for friendship. For you to maybe find it in your heart to give me a chance at just that. Nothing more. I want to start at the basics. Because if I have learned anything, it is that things take small steps, and lots of time. Not giant leaps and quick fixes. All I want is my best friend to still want to have me in their life somehow. There is nothing I want more than just to have you in my life as a friend. Because Clinton you are truly everything to me. Nothing with you has ever been fake, or embellished. It has always been real. The only real thing I have had in a long time. And Clinton if you can please be my friend. Be that something good in my life. I don't want to promise you anything, all I can say is that I am trying, and that I will continue to try. I am not perfect but I know that I am good. I know that I am a good person that has been confused and stupid. So I guess that is all. I know that this is an extremely long letter, and I can't be sure that you even read it all. But I am hoping. That is all I have left. Hope. And I will continue to have hope for us. That will never change, because we are too real. We are the realest thing I have ever experienced in my life. That is just the truth. I hope that you have been well, and know that not a moment goes by that I don't think of you. I don't know what to expect from this or if you are even willing to talk. But God I hope and I pray.

Love,
Deanna