What is unconditional love for you?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Vicki on February 4, 2010 at 4:57am

Yes, I can tell you exactly why. Because I didn't, and now after her passing, still don't feel unconditional love for my mother. I won't make the same mistakes she did, but it does tell me that unconditional love from your children isn't a certainty. You can mess up badly enough to lose that love. And I haven't gone far enough in my journey to know that I won't. I'm working on it, though. Essentially, that's why I'm here.

I am well aware that the words "I love you" are fairly meaningless, and in my culture they aren't spoken often.

Edited to add wikipedia definition in order to illustrate my point further:
Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Jill on February 4, 2010 at 5:26am

Dear Vicki, I am truly sorry for your lacking experience of unconditional love from your mother. Only through forgiveness can you ever have it. Forgiveness is a charasteristic of Love and can be restored even with your mother, now that she is gone.
I noticed you gave reference to the wikipedia definition in short. If you were to read on you would have seen a more spiritual meaning embraced, one that I have experienced here on Co-Creators. It reads:
A practical contemporary definition which states that "unconditional love is an unlimited way of being." Experienced within the individual, this universal awareness of love operates on every level of life through the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual bodies and is expressed when one becomes conscious of its presence.
My mother has also passed away, and what gives me comfort is,... according to the Law of Attraction "You can never not BE". In this I can continue to LOVE my mother and she can continue to LOVE me. My father has also passed away, and before he passed, just before he went into the hospital, I told him I hated him. I have since forgiven my father, and I opened my heart to the Spirit of him and I now love him with all of my being. Vicki, I am so glad and grateful that you are here on co-creator.
I send you much love my friend and Blessings to see you on your Journey.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Vicki on February 4, 2010 at 11:16pm

Thank you very much, Jilly. I did read on - I just stopped quoting at the level I'm currently at. This doesn't mean that I don't strive to go on. I'm just telling you where I currently am. That's also why I said in my earlier post that I couldn't possibly say whether others felt differently.

Also, this has been playing on my mind throughout the day, and I've been eager to get back here and tell you: please don't feel sad for me. I really don't wish that for you. Rather, just realize that for the first 35 years of my life, I was on a downward spiral of hopelessness and feelings of unworthiness. And for the past couple of years - this tiny fragment of my life - I have been able to slowly turn around to going in the right direction instead. Imagine trying to turn a huge ocean liner 180 degrees. It takes a long time to slow it down, then turn it around, and finally bring it back to speed again.

So I see this as a huge achievement, and I feel joy and gratitude every day that I've been able to do it this quickly - I think it works out to having known about the law of attraction for about 5% of my life. So please don't feel sad for me - I'm on my way, I'm just haven't gone as far as you have yet. But now I'm a huge ocean liner heading in the right direction. Just think of how hard it would be to stop me now! :-)

I feel fortunate to have found this place, where I can learn from helpful people such as yourself and Paul.

Permalink Reply by Paul Carpenter on February 4, 2010 at 9:04am

Hi again Vicki, Jilly. I too lost my mother nearly three years ago. We had a strained relationship to put it mildly. In fact, I broke off all communication with her for roughly 6 years. This was done for many reasons...simply put at that time I thought she expected from me, but was not willing to give to me unconditional love.

When I received a call that she was in the hospital with hours left on her life, I made amends with her. Through that....through the acceptance that I was the "adult" and I had evolved an understanding of love beyond that of my mother....that act alone added 6 months onto her life. In that 6 months I learned more about her than I did in the roughly 30 years that preceded.

It was frightening, it was somewhat sticky emotionally...and it was liberating...freeing. When I was closed to the idea, I was seeing things through my mother's eyes & was giving her exactly what she gave me...conditions that I made up that she needed to fulfill in order for me to show or withdraw my love. The fact that I knew that there was an alternative....an unconditional side to love....meant that I was the one responsible to live that truth.

Why? Somewhere along the way I experienced unconditional love to a degree that I recognized it as a different kind of love. My mother may have experienced it in her life experience, but not to the degree that I did....or if she did, she was unwilling to allow it to flow through her. While she did blossom in the last 6 months of her life....it was not some grand life change for her. It made our relationship immesuarbly wonderful.

But...she remained who she was and refused to allow her mother to come in and see her....eventhough they were both going through the same process of dying.

Did that make me sad....somewhat. But truthfully, that was my mother's decision. While I disagreed with her, I continued to love her....where previously I may have withdrawn my love in order to punish her for doing something I considered to be wrong by my standards.

I am so glad you are here and discussing this! I do hope you'll open yourself up to this idea Vicki. Let your fear of your children not returning the same kind of love to you later in life, and your fear of making the same 'mistakes' your mother made...dissolve. You will see a difference.....your children will FEEL a difference. Your relationship with your children (and others) will deepen and become a rich multifaceted emotional journey.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Vicki on February 4, 2010 at 11:00pm

Thank you very much for sharing your very personal story, Paul.

I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but I'm not going to dwell on it too much right now. Because if I did at this point of my life, I would be forcing the issue - in Abraham-Hicks terminology going upstream - and for now, I'd rather focus on the living, even though I do realize the connection. I expect that as I develop in other areas of my life, this one issue will come back into my focus and I'll be ready to deal with it.

BTW, I don't really have any feelings of fear regarding my children on this issue. But knowing that I can't just sit back and expect unconditional love as they grow up is a good motivator. And as I mentioned, I know I won't make the same mistakes as my mother. Really, I know that for a fact. I just don't have it in me.

Permalink Reply by Paul Carpenter on February 5, 2010 at 6:43am

Vicki, that is a wonderful analogy. I am so absolutely happy for you and for your allowing yourself to ponder these thoughts & questions! I'd like to add if you don't mind....that your ocean liner is turning into the current of the ocean....so it is beginning to turn more rapidly as it goes through the turn....

On the topic of mistakes, I use the term in quotes because I don't believe people make mistakes. My initial reaction to this a few years ago....might have been one of immediate "what you think everyone is perfect?"....and the truth is....yes....I believe everyone is perfect as they are. We are all the result of our life experience, that is what makes us individual and unique.

People...any person...adult / child / parent / advisor etc...are simply living by expressing what they know, what they have learned / are learning, what / how they feel....in other words...people do not do 'right' or 'wrong'....they just "DO". The piece of that which I can control is what I "DO" as a reaction. So I don't believe your mother made mistakes. Nor do I believe you capable of mistakes, or your children, or anyone.

In those 35 years you describe....you were simply doing what you knew. Now your truth is changing....your 'reality' is changing....the "downward spiral" as you call it, was simply another means of "BEING" or "DO-ing".

Vicki, thank you again for being here & sharing your experience!

Permalink Reply by Pamela Tidd on February 2, 2010 at 10:41am

I have thought about this a lot over the past few weeks. Obviously, my reply is based on an experience that I draw from as well as observation of others' experiences. This thread has given me reason to truly examine my experience & question my feelings on it. Since my seperation from my exhusband two years ago, I had hidden behind a wall of hatred & anger but in the past 6 months or so, it is just that that I have been working towards dissolving. After replying to this thread & reading the other responses then really looking into my heart, I will admit that there is still love there for him. He is the father of my child. It is not the love that I once felt but it is still present even after everything that he has said & done. So.. I will concede that perhaps love can be unconditional in other aspects other than parent/child ...
Wow! that was really hard to admit... whew!!

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Paul Carpenter on February 4, 2010 at 12:14am

I can feel the emotion in your words about this breakthrough! Way to go! Sending you huge hugs! :-)

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Pamela Tidd on February 4, 2010 at 9:57pm

Thank you Paul.. (((hug))) to you too :)

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by k fraz on February 5, 2010 at 12:10am

How strange, the syncronicity. I was just emailing someone from a college government meeting about "unconditional love". My response is listed below. I do believe that we are all one and what one does to someone else, he does to himself. From this perspective, I am able to understand that others who may seem to intend to victimize are also lacking or hurting in some form or another. That through our magnanimous giving of grace, comes healing and freedom.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.......What I received from attending was so much more. I want to thank you
for talking about how history can influence the future of our culture
for the positive. The question you posed about "We need to not breed
hate, what are you going to do?" seemed to create an internal
dissention within me and got me to thinking.

In the book "Mother Teresa, LOVE" Archibishop Desmond Tutu talks about
ubutu and summarizes its' meaning as being "a person is a person
through other people." He states that "anger, resentment, a lust for
revenge, greed, even the aggresive competitiveness that rules so much
of our contemporary world, corrodes and jeopardizes our harmony." He
goes further in that "ubuntu points out that those who seek to destroy
and dehumanize are also victims - victims, usually, of a pervading
ethos, be it a political ideology, an economic system, or a distorted
religious conviction. Consequently, they are as much dehumanized as
those on whom they trample."

So my answer to your question, "what are you going to do?" is that I
am going to love others with deep understanding. To choose into the
belief that great things can be achieved wherever there is great love.
In understanding we not only free ourselves, but those who strive to
victimize others.

Thank you for provoking me to consider this, as it has helped me to
remember the role I wish to play toward a more peaceful existence.

Sincerely,

Karen Frazier

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Paul Carpenter on February 5, 2010 at 6:52am

That sounds like a fascinating meeting.

So true Karen, the love we express is a mirror of the love we understand.

Mother Theresa is a hero of mine. A wonderfully inspirational person.

• ▶ Reply

• ‹ Previous
• 1
• 2
• Next ›
• Page