InfiniteMagik's Blog (17)

So, I've started working as a hostess at a restaurant temporarily. One thing I've noticed about myself on a much deeper level is my need for acceptance. I constantly need to feel validated. Working my new job has opened my eyes even more to the fact that the acceptance I've been so desperatly seeking ive been looking for in the wrong place. I've placed my happiness in the hands of people who do not truly matter. Constantly trying to fit in worrying what they might think. Its just…

So, I think im around day 70 something at this point...havent been on here in a while though.

Went to Rockfest with the guy I am attempting to be in a relationship with, as usual I was closed off alot of the time, but, something significant also happened. Hes a very wise person and at one point we were having a kind of life talk and the things he was saying just got through to  me on such a deep level that I felt like a  changed person when I got back home. Being around soeone who I…

I havent really been keeping up with the 100 day challenge to be honest. Though I do try to remind myself.

I have attempted to get involved in a relationship, turns out to be very distracting. I forgot how much I am NOT ready nor do I enjoy being in relationships because 1: Im confused about the relationship I have with myself which only gets projected onto my relationships with other people and 2: That being said I do not trust people easily and have a hard time understanding why…

I feel stuck lately. I dont think im ready to be with someone, the resistence I have to letting go and trusting turns my attempt at opening my heart to someone else into a painful obstacle. Something is just off. I'm deeply uncomfortable in this situation. So what now?

Its like...should I push through or just give up? Should I even  have to "push" through to begin with when it comes to love? Or is it a necessary step that will lead to something positive? Maybe now is just not the…

Im a little confused.

Should opening your heart to someone be so difficult? There is such a thick wall between me and a man who is a great person.

Why is it easier for me to be myself around negative people?

I wonder if this uncertainty and fear is a necessary part of the process...or maybe Im just not ready to be with someone…

I have stopped hanging out with the negative infleunces in my life, I have made progress in manifesting more true and positive relationships with others, and with myself, though it is still a pretty bumpy road :)

TODAY: I BE me, in all situations, accept whatever happens with compassion, and focus on my interconnectdness to others instead of isolating myself in my litle bubble haha AND if i do, laugh it off, dont take myself so seriously...

i am so grateful for:

My…

I have stopped hanging out with the negative infleunces in my life, I have made progress in manifesting more true and positive relationships with others, and with myself, though it is still a pretty bumpy road :)

TODAY: I BE me, in all situations, accept whatever happens with compassion, and focus on my interconnectdness to others instead of isolating myself in my litle bubble haha AND if i do, laugh it off, dont take myself so seriously...

i am so grateful for:

My…

SO, theres this guy, and hes really amazing, and that scares me. Sounds ridiculous, right? ...It is what it is.

To be quite honest, for a long time I was used to being involved in relationships in which i felt in control and superior. Obviously, no real love can come from that...as much as i have lied to myself in believing otherwise in the past. It was an ugly reality, but something about myself I had to aknowledge nonetheless in order to move forward.

Realising that about a…

I have a tendency to get sucked into negative vibes really easily and then get into the endless hopeless loop of trying to solve them by thinking. As i was experiencing this yet again today, it kind of just occurred to me out of nowhere...if I dont want to feel this way, why dont I just....not?!! And then BAM!, i wasnt.:)

So much more simple then what my mind wants me to believe! I have been able to intellectualize the concept of simply "choosing" to not be in a bad mood but, actually…

Yesterday it felt great to get out of the house and not be locked inside writting papers for school all day. Human contact!!! <3

Today...I return to my cave. Not gonna lie, I've been pretty grumpy today. I want to be thankful for school, cause I know its a positive thing but, its kind of sucking the life out of me right now.

I like the idea of comparing human life to life in nature. And I read somewhere once that for instance, when there is a storm going on you look at the…

Man...I feel like I am so stubborn sometimes why do I chose such a difficult path sometimes? Force of habit?

Every negative feeling that emerges throughout the day, confusion, loneliness, restlessness, impatience, anger, frustration...I am doing my utmost best to deal with these emotions on a very real level, without judging them. Aknowledging they are there, feeling them, but staying aware that they are only clouds passing over...and that getting mad at myself or feeling like a…

Do what you, what you want

If you have a dream for better

Do what you, what you want

'til you don’t want it anymore (remember who you really are)



Do what you, what you want

Your world’s closing in on you now (it isn’t over)

Stand and face the unknown (got to remember who you really are)



Every heart in my hands

Like a pale reflection



Hello, hello, remember me?

I’m everything you can’t control

Somewhere beyond the pain

There must…

I am an introvert and I have a terribly difficult time making friends of the same sexe, I'm not even sure I truly understand the meaning of friendship. I have an idea but, by focusing too much on the idea I want to accomplish, I feel like I miss out on actually experiencing it because I get so attached to what I want the outcome to be, it just biases the few interactions I do have. 

Why do I want this so badly? Maybe because I feel like these external relationships will make me feel…

Funny how ive started this reality chalenge now cause i've kind of veered off track and havent really been respecting my SELF like i want to be, but, it is what it is, no use in beating myself up over it. Today I make an extra effort to follow my heart and respect my soul. Riding the wave. :)

Ive been imprisonned in my home writting essays the past 2 days...well, attempting to write essays haha (mightve been able to try a taaaad harder haha) SO, i figured that wasnt working, might as well get out of the house...

Enjoyed the beautiful weather, tried to make the best of it. DAMN its hot outside!! Kinda freaky when you really think about it, the weather is going crazy lately, everywhere. Tornados, earthquakes, snow then intense heat, freezing then hot...makes you…

To be quite honest I feel a bit...blah today. I think it may have somehting to do with the fact that I am in a school programme I do not truly care about, before last semester, and am lacking motivation. And also, I am sick. BUT, regardless, on the bright side of things, I must say I am eternally grateful for:

-My few, but amazing friends, who are truly wonderful people that I am blessed to have in my life

-My mom, who is always there for me no matter what and never judges even…

I want to help positively influence others, I want to help wake people up to the truth by setting an example, I want to be part of a world of peace and unity. To do that, I must begin with myself. Unconditional love!! This is for all of you.