I decided to get clear with my new baby's dad today.
We worked on a relationship for over a year and at this point my emotions were so confused with him I decided it was a good time to ask him outright where we stand. He said he considers us (my children and me) his family and that he loves the kids but as far as a relationship with me goes, he doesn't know. He said he prides himself in providing clear answers, but for that he just didn't have one. I told him then the obvious answer was that we didn't have a relationship. He said that he wants one with me, "if I allow it," but then admitted that it would be devoid of any sexual or romantic interest. I told him that to call a thing a thing it would be better to say that we don't have a relationship at all, and that while we care about each other as friends, a relationship between us just isn't possible because he is not invested in the US part as a foundation. That part, for him, only exists if he has money in his pocket, and every time we have a difficulty, he will not be invested in me or us as a unit. He agreed with that and assured me that we would go through this same difficulty again and again and again - because there are no romantic feelings for me. I am put on the back burner with no attention, sleeping in separate areas, no acknowledgment, no affection, no communication of his feelings for me, etc. and to him, that is perfectly fine. And when we need to make decisions together or talk about serious issues, we both get extremely angry, are completely opposite in our points of view, and I feel like I have to take over the decision making every time because his negativity does not allow him to compromise or do what is best for the children. He says he can go on living that way with me and be happy with that in a completely one sided fantasy about how great things are in his head. That to him all of that is a normal relationship.
Did I mention this is the first relationship he's ever had and he is 38?
Well, it ended with my telling him that he needed to move out. I said that I don't want to resent him because we have a child together, but I don't want to live in a situation where I am looking at him and I am emotionally confused because suddenly, when I say that we need to part ways, then he wants to give me a kiss. Although there isn't any romance, that he hadn't thought of kissing me at any time before saying we needed to move on, he wants to show me affection after I don't want the situation anymore. It is emotional abuse. It is emotional blackmail. It is wrong and ugly. And he is perfectly fine with it.
I told him that I need him to leave as soon as he possibly can. I also told him that I didn't want him going out of his way to interact with my kids because it would make things more awkward with him leaving. He routinely doesn't listen to me. He tends to be very self centered in the way that he interacts with me and the children. The way he feels about things and the sense it makes to him is always of utmost importance.
*sigh* I will be happy when he is gone.