The 100 Day Reality Challenge

downhill...or something. s 1/ day 40

I feel like crap.

Emotionally, not physically.

I am still in GA, and really struggling at the moment with the idea that I have no set schedule to go back to PA- I did have a phone interview yesterday for a job and should hear about a 2nd interview in the next week or two...which, if they'd like to do that, I'll be headed home. The job seems perfect and I think I would love it, be successful in it, feel fulfilled in it. I think the interview went well- but I thought an interview a month ago went well too, and never heard back (not even a "thanks, for your 1/2 a day long interview, but we've found someone else" annoying is that?!) I am in some ways, ready to go home. At the same time, if I do not get to stay and meet my nephew, I might be devistated.

I went to Clemson this past weekend and got to see my friends, and go to yoga and visit the place that I called home until recently...after the football game when I was hot, and sticky, and tired, and slightly annoyed that we lost, we drove past what used to be my apartment and I almost started to cry. I just wanted to go into my space, lay on my bed with my kitties, and rest. My cats, obviously are at home, and since I'm living with my parents I don't even really feel like I have my own space in their house, either.

I haven't been nourishing my body appropriately or doing much exercise since I've been here, either. Much of that is that I'm with a woman who is 8 months pregnant. I also don't have a car or a way to buy the kinds of foods that I eat- so I've over-indulged and under-exercised. I feel sluggish as a result. Did go to my old yoga class in Clemson yesterday before leaving, and have a nice stretched out ache this morning. That's refreshing. I would love to find a good yoga dvd but I am SERIOUS beginner and struggle with following anything that isn't actually in front of me and can give feedback and clarification. That 7 week free yoga and meditation series I found at home started 2 weeks ago but- well, I'm not at home, and a 700 mile commute doesn't really work for a weekend yoga session.

Lastly- and here's the kicker...The boy I'd been seeing at home- I thought that was going fantastic. 2 weeks ago, he took me to dinner my last night at home and we had a great time, kissed me goodbye...Told me to let him know when I got to Georgia safely...which I did. We've hardly communicated since I've been here- a few random text messages back and forth: all of which I have initiated. A number have gone unanswered...Including one a few nights back that said "I miss you"... that stings. I tried calling last night because I hadn't spoken to him in almost 2 weeks, but there was no answer. My friends and I have governed ourselves on the principle of the book "he's just not that into you" for years, and I can't shake that thought- even though it's not what I want at all! ugh. I have no explanation for this and I'm afraid that if I get one, it's going to hurt...I feel like every time I get to a point that I am willing to put myself out there again, I end up hurting.

I feel like I'm spiraling, and I don't know why, and I don't know how, and I don't know where to start to turn it around. It's frustrating me, and annoying me.

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Comment by Chris on September 30, 2008 at 1:42pm
There is a technique I like to do when I feel like I'm spiraling so maybe it will help. The basis of all of these manifesting thoughts is feelings. If you feel happy and joy then that will follow you. What I like to do when things seem like they aren't going right is to imagine and picture something that makes me feel happy and joyful. Even if this was something in the past or something you feel is in the future. Close your eyes, imagine that, build it in your mind and start to feel how your body is with those new emotions. Build on it as much as you can to make sure you are comfortable with the feelings combined with the thoughts. Then I try and keep those great feelings and emotions and put new thoughts that I may feel bad about now to them. The hardest thing for me is to remember that I can do this but once I remember the results are near instantaneous. We are all here for you so even if you can't find something to feel good about just feel the love that is here.
Comment by TheSkinnyMouse on September 30, 2008 at 1:03pm
i understand what you're going through, i'm going through a similar situation. if it makes you feel any better, at least you're not alone. i think a starting point is once you see what you don't want (which is the situation you're in), start recognizing and focusing on what you do want. i hope it helps.

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