I think back to high school, standing at 5'6 135 pounds thinking..."I have to get rid of this belly, I can lose another 10 pounds." However at the same time, loving the curves that I had but still wanting more. I wondered why my friends looked at me weird when I said I had to lose more weight. I was on the soccer team, crew team, track team (rarely.) and the tennis team. Every other weekend I was a Student Conservation Association (SCA) Member which program consisted of creating and maintaining trails and construction/repair of structures. In short, alot of exercise and hard work. Despite how strong and athletic I was I still had a bit of a belly which caused me discontent with myself. I stood in the mirror day after day loving parts of my body, and hating the others. My shoulders seemed to broad, my mother would say I was built like a linebacker to my ears, that means I need to improve. That statement was made to me as a 12 year old child. But at that time at age 16, was it still a subconscious mission to not be seen as that? Of course, however at that time I didn't know.
High school was tough for a lot of people, if you can remember your own times yourself. Whether it was grades or boys or girls or something...high school was tough. To this day, the most depressing times of my life. I wasn't good enough for myself, I wasn't in a good home situation and was mentally battered by a tough trial of childhood which was pushed forward to adult age by 13. I had to step up and help my mother by watching my newborn brother everyday while she worked. No summer playtime for me, no friends, just motherhood. I moved through shelters with my mother, seen the break up of my parents, the drugged boyfriend, the 3 newborn siblings in a row, the no-food, no-lights era. I've been there by 15. Where have you been? I moved out from my mother to my father with the grandmother so old school, electricity was off by 9pm. 8pm was also too late for phone calls, no friends allowed over...just ONE girl, yelled at...was I the black sheep? No. Was she the evil one? No. Just as the only female role model I had at 16 years old with my father trying his best, I simply stopped caring.
Depression hit. Beautiful body, not in my eyes then. Sadness filled me, finding another reason to blame my hard past on my depressing present. There was something bright though, I helped people. I volunteered and put people before myself. I blamed myself for others downfall which heightened the depression ....what a new life I would have in college. It would help me achieve the ONE RECURRING thought I had in my head during the previous years of pain "When I get older, I will be successful enough to take my family and friends away from any financial struggle."
College, freedom! New start, FOOD! Freshman 5, 10, 15, 20, 30...30 pounds gained while in college. I liked the curves that I had though. I filled out, I was no longer the scrawny girl I didnt realize I was in high school. I was still DEATHLY depressed though, I had anxiety attacks, shortness of breath, feelings of hate and resentment...
I left college after the first year, I REFUSED to go back to my father home where my grandmother was at and return to JAIL as it seemed to me. So once again I lived in a shelter and stayed with friends. I did during that low time of my life meet a man that I love to this day. He stood and supported me through all of my woes and more, lots more situations that were absolutely horrible in my life. After the shelter, my LOVE and I moved in together...for that year we BOTH struggled. Rent was behind, no food, no nice clothing and we had to give plasma to get $ for bus passes to get us to our or just his or my job. He kept my head strong and we argued and fought about how hard it was for me to open up about my problems and how my past affected me. He helped me move from thoughts of resentment...he helped me change my perspective from "my past has brought me down", to "my past is what is helping me still stand strong." I used my past problems as a catapult. My LOVE and I thought about how nice our next apt would be, how everything would be fine, how we would have jobs that didn't depress us and how we would think about how far we came.
Our new home we found, a friend actually found it for us and promised to move in with us to help with rent. Beautiful apt! 2 floors, a livingroom, diningroom, kitchen with a dishwasher, 2 bathrooms, one that included a jucuzzi tub with DUAL showers, 3 bedrooms and a VIEW OF THE RIVER. The bus stop was on the corner and we didnt have to pay any utilities, $775 a month! It was awesome! Until the other roommate who promised to move in, never did, split on his part of the payment and went to the army.
I frankly was pissed.
But My LOVE kept my head straight and told me we could afford it and everything would work out. I didn't want to believe it would work out, but I believed in my heart although my actions failed to show. We could afford the rent, we could also afford to have parties for our friends, gifts for each other, cable, internet and phone and good EATING! We could also afford a scale which we both wanted due to our plumper than normal figure.
I stepped on the scale and was mortified. I think back to high school, standing at 5'6 135 pounds thinking..."I have to get rid of this belly, I can lose another 10 pounds." I think back to seeing the number 249 on the scale 114 pounds heavier...I was still depressed because of that weight. I thought back to my past and how stupid I was for not appreciating the body I had then. I kept old clothes that I used to fit and looked at old pictures of that size and thought about how nice I would look when I lost all of that weight.
From the scale, I got a gym membership for My LOVE and I. I also got the power to leave the job that depressed me the most. I went from being a customer service rep for a SATELLITE company to working with students the ages of 5-8. I was drawn to that job to tutor and mentor those students. I wanted to inspire them to keep pushing through adversity. I was a high school graduate, not on welfare, no children, in love with a wonderful man and ALIVE. I want to be there for those students to tell them not to let the excuse of your past of even your present defer your future dreams. My LOVE who also worked for the satelte company left to work with children also. We worked out, afforded our expenses and had some extra expeneses at times. We still struggled, I still yearned for things and one day I decided to read books for advice on how to improve myself and my life. I stumbled across the Secret and read it. From that day my life changed.
I went from 249 to 179 and I am hoping to get down to a 27 inch waist. It took a little over 10 months to get this far.
I started my own company which specialized in web design, graphic design, event planning and promotions.
We moved out of that apt, but moved in with 2 more friends. My LOVE and I each pay one bill each; each month.
I starting to receive my abundances
I manifested the thoughts to put me through hell and to rise from the ashes.
I had a scrawny body...I wished for a flat belly and wonderful curves...I gained TOO much weight and wished for my body I had before.......Then I hoped for a body shape that would be good for me. I checked out clothing stores online like greatglam.com (I LOVE THOSE CLOTHES!) and searched through modelmayhem.com to get the body that I desired. It seems like the weight was added so that I could literally chisel myself down to get the curves I wanted. I have the curves...although there are times, I was a lil tad bit more!
Im very critical of myself, thats how Capricorns are. Im very in to the zodiac, my silent relationship with GOD and The Secret. I have proven to myself that I am the master of my thoughts and that thoughts become things.
Im starting this season and I wanted to share with everyone. My thoughts brought me here to write it and your thoughts brought you here to read this. I have trouble staying on a routine...I hate repetitiveness. I just hope to get and give support from my fellow co-creators...life is bigger than US. At the same time, WE are the biggest and most important things in our universe because WE ARE THE MASTERS OF OUR DESTINY.
When good things happen to me, I thank the Universe. It has brought me people and opportunities to get the things I desire and I am thankful for what theses next 100 days will bring me. I look forward to changing my life some more!!!