A couple days ago I wrote: I recently read Think and Grow Rich. Now I am stirred. I am fixated on the last chapter, the chapter on fighting fear/doubt/indecisiveness, so that I can truly unleash my potential. My first plan of action is to read How to Win Friends and Influence People. My first action plan from the book is two-folds, become friendlier and conquer fear/doubt/indecisiveness. I am happy that the universe is giving me what I ask, of love, lovable, wealth, greatness (not in those order).
what happened to me after reading the 90% of the book, was revolutionary. I have found a tangible mind-frame to love people who have rubbed my ego the wrong way. My new evolution is that great people of history, Abraham Lincoln, Ben Franklin, Charles Scwhab, etc, have been gracious to all people, and who am I to seek to be great, and, but, ungracious to people who rub my ego the wrong way. lastly, having empathy to every individual doesn't have any substitutes.
Action: This week (yesterday and today), I have conversationally pursued my colleagues; I have felt safe. Somehow, I am more unguarded (but protected) with the world (even including with colleagues). How can it be? The friendly universe has become more friendly.
Below is a book review of How to win friends and influence people. Book review is done by Jake, and the outline seems fairly accurate... Enjoy.
Jake’s Take on How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
A. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.
a. People don’t criticize themselves for anything, regardless of how wrong they may be
b. B.F. Skinner’s studies showed animals learned much more rapidly if rewarded for
good behavior than if punished for bad behavior.
c. Instead of writing them up (and thereby pissing them off) every time they failed to wear their hard hats, George B. Johnston of Enid, OK, reminded the workers in
a pleasant tone of voice how that hat was designed to protect from injury and
how the rule was to have the hat on at all times. The result was less resentment
from the workers.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
a. One way to get anybody to do anything—make them want to do it.
b. The deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” – John Dewey
“the desire to be great.” – Sigmund Freud
“the craving to be appreciated.” – William James
c. This urge differentiates us from animals, and is responsible for civilization itself.
d. Half of all mental diseases have no physical causes. A Dr. said “many people who go
insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve
in the world of reality.”
e. Charles Schwab was one of 1st to be paid $1 million/year ($3K/day) back when
$50/week was well off.
i. A. Carnegie paid him this at age 38, hand picked him to be Pres. of the new
U.S. Steel Co. in 1921.
ii. “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people the greatest
asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by
appreciation and encouragement.”
iii. “So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. I am hearty in my
approbation and lavish in my praise.”
f. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and
like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to
someone else. The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is
simple. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is
unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally
g. Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I
learn of him.”
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
a. Bait the hook to suit the fish.
b. Only way to influence people is to talk about what they want and to show them how to
c. If you want someone to do something, 1st ask yourself “how can I make this person
want to do it?”
d. Henry Ford: “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other
person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from
e. If salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our
problems, they won’t need to sell us. We’ll buy. And customers like to feel
they are buying, not being sold.
f. The rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.
B. Six ways to make people like you
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
a. Why do people consider dogs “man’s best friend”? If you stop to pet him, he will
almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you.
b. You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
c. Alfred Adler, Viennese psychologist: “It is the individual who is not interested in his
fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest
injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures
d. Greet incoming phone callers with enthusiasm—don’t act like you are doing them a
favor by answering.
a. Actions speak louder than words…a smile says “I like you, you make me happy, I am
glad to see you.”
b. Insincere grins are mechanical, and they don’t fool anyone.
c. You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time
d. William James: “Everybody in the world is seeking happiness—and there is one sure
way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend
on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.”
e. Abraham Lincoln: “Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
a. A. Carnegie as a boy got a mother rabbit, soon to follow a whole nest of little rabbits
but no food. So he told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they
picked clovers and dandelions, he would name the bunnies in their honor. Of
course they did it.
b. In Indiana a GM employee went into a sandwich shop where a lady had made
sandwiches for hours. The guy told her what he wanted, and she weighed the
meat, gave one leaf of lettuce and a few chips. Next day, he said “hello, Eunice”
and smiled. She forgot the scale, gave 3 leaves of lettuce, and piled on the chips.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
a. To be interesting, be interested.
b. Ask Q’s they will enjoy answering.
c. Encourage others to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
d. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
a. Teddy Roosevelt: “the royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or
she treasures most.”
b. When your purpose is to get something from someone, start by talking about whatever
it is they are proud of, excited about, interested in.
6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
a. If we are so contemptible selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a
bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other
person in return—if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet
with the failure we so richly deserve.
b. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
c. Use little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to…,”
“Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you.”
d. Almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a
sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you
recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
e. Disraeli, former ruler of the British Empire: “Talk to people about themselves and
they will listen for hours.”
C. How to win people to your way of thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
a. Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly
convinced than ever that he is absolutely right.
b. Ben Franklin: “If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory
sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your
opponent’s good will.”
c. Buddha: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is
never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a
sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint .
d. Suggestions on how to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:
i. Welcome the disagreement. Perhaps now is the time for one to be
corrected before making a serious mistake.
ii. Distrust your first instinctive impression. We are naturally defensive, but
keep calm and make sure your first reaction is your best, not your worst.
iii. Control your temper. You can measure the size of a person by what makes
him or her angry.
iv. Listen first. Build bridges of understanding, not barriers of
v. Look for areas of agreement.
vi. Be honest. Admit errors and apologize for mistakes. It will disarm your
opponent and reduce defensiveness.
vii. Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully.
Mean it, too.
viii. Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “you’re wrong.”
a. Teddy Roosevelt said that he would reach his highest expectation if he could be right
75% of the time
b. Tell someone that he is wrong and you have struck a direct blow at his or her intelligence,
judgment, pride and self-respect. That will make them want to strike back.
c. Galileo: “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within
d. There’s magic in such phrases as “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine
e. You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all
argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded
as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
f. Ben Franklin stopped using “certainly” and “undoubtedly.” Instead, he used “I
conceive” or “I imagine” or “It appears at present.”
g. Ben Franklin: “When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny’d
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately
some absurdity in his proposition.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
a. If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other
person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism
than to bear condemnation from alien lips?
b. Old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than
4. Begin in a friendly way.
a. Abraham Lincoln: “So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first
convince him that you are his sincere friend.”
b. A guy took a 4-month old car into the shop for the 3rd time. Instead of being angry, he
talked about how he had done business with this dealership because of past
recommendations. “I thought you might want to be aware of any situation that
might tarnish your fine reputation.” This guy even got the dealers car as a
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
a. Don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing the
things on which you agree.
b. Socratic method = asking Q’s with which the opponent has to agree—you win one
admission after another until they come to a conclusion that they bitterly denied
a few minutes previously.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
a. Others know more about their business and problems than you do so let them tell you
b. La Rochefoucauld, French philosopher: “If you want enemies, excel your friends; but
if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”
c. Ask people to share their joys with you; only mention your achievements when they
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
a. Should you ram your opinions down the throats of other people, or make suggestions
and let the other person think out the conclusion?
b. Eugene Wesson sold sketches for a NY studio. He failed 150 times in 3 years to same
NY stylist. Finally, he urged the guy to give him his ideas. He bought it.
c. Lao-tse, Chinese sage: “The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a
hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able
to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men,
putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself
behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight;
though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.”
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
a. Others may be totally wrong, but they don’t think so. Any fool can condemn them.
Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to understand them.
b. Kenneth M. Goode, author of How to Turn People Into Gold: “stop for a minute to
contrast your keen interest in your own affairs with your mild concern about
anything else. Realize then, that everybody else in the world feels exactly the
same way! Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of
the other person’s viewpoint.”
c. Ask yourself how you react when forced to obey orders.
d. Go into something with a perfectly clear idea of what you are going to say and what
that person is likely to answer.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
a. Say “I don’t blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you I would
undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
b. The child eagerly displays his injury…the human species universally craves sympathy.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
a. John D. Rockefeller, Jr. didn’t want pics taken of his children. Instead of telling them
not to do it, he said “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves,
some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much
b. Cyrus Curtis, eventual owner of The Saturday Evening Post and the Ladies’ Home
Journal, couldn’t afford to pay Louisa May Alcott what other magazines would
pay, so he offered to write a check to her favorite charity instead, and it worked.
11. Dramatize you ideas.
a. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. It must be vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have
to use showmanship to get attention.
b. Catherine Wolf of Mishawaka, IN, could not get an appointment with her boss, so she
wrote a form letter, enclosed a SASE that said “Ms. Wolf—I will be able to see
you on _______at ______am/pm. I will give you _____minutes of my time.
That is dramatization.
12. Throw down a challenge.
a. Charles Schwab: “The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. I do not
mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”
b. What greater challenge can be offered than the opportunity to overcome your greatest
D. Be a leader: How to change people without giving offense or arousing resentment.
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
a. It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our
b. Like a dentist beginning with Novocain—the patient still gets a drilling, but the pain is
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
a. Schwab’s employees were smoking underneath a “no smoking” sign. He didn’t say
“can’t you read?” but he handed each one a cigar and said “I’ll appreciate it,
boys, if you will smoke these on the outside.”
b. “We are really proud of you, Johnny, BUT if you would work harder……” Johnny
will now question the sincerity of the original praise. Instead, say “…., Johnny,
and by continuing your efforts next term, your Algebra grade can be up with all
of the others.”
c. Some workers left wood all over Mrs. Jacob’s yard. She picked them up and piled
them neatly in a corner. The next day, she said “I’m really please with the way
the front lawn was left last night; it is nice and clean and does not offend the
neighbors.” From that day on, the yard was clean.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
a. It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of you faults if the person criticizing
begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
b. If you don’t want your son to smoke, talk about how the nicotine has gotten to you
and how it is almost impossible to stop. Remind him how irritating your cough
is and how he had tried to get you to stop years before.
4. Ask Q’s instead of giving direct orders.
a. Instead of “do this, do that,” say “you might consider this, or do you think that would
b. Give people the opportunity to do things themselves.
c. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that
caused the order to be issued.
d. Instead of pushing your people to accelerate and rush an order, call everyone together,
explain the situation, and tell how much it would mean to the company and to
them if they could make it possible to produce the order on time.
5. Let the other person save face.
a. If you are firing someone, you could say “you have done a fine job…that time when
you….you came through with flying colors. The firm is proud of you…you are
going a long way and we are rooting for you.”
b. No one has the right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.
What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting
a man in his dignity is a crime.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
a. Animal trainers: the moment a dog or dolphin shows improvement, praise is given.
Why don’t we do that?
b. Charles Dickens had so little confidence in his ability to write that he sneaked out and
mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so nobody would laugh at him.
Story after story was refused. One editor finally gave him recognition, and it
changed his life.
c. B.F. Skinner proved through experiments with both animals and humans that when
criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be
reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.
d. If you single out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering
remarks, your praise will be more meaningful to the person.
e. Abilities wither under criticism, and blossom under encouragement.
7. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to.
a. In this case, they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned
b. Tommy was a bad student and gave his teachers problems. So the next year, the new
teacher says “Tommy, I understand you are a natural leader. I’m going to
depend on you to help me make this class the best class in the fourth grade.”
With a reputation to live up to, he changed his ways.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
a. Tell someone he is stupid at something, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and
you have destroyed every incentive to improve. Do the opposite, and watch
b. No b.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
a. Instead of making your child do a chore, make a deal—“if you pick up this many
sticks from the yard, I will give you this much $, but for every stick I find, I will
take away this much $.”
b. Keep these guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior
i. Be sincere. Don’t promise something you cannot deliver. Concentrate on the
benefits to the other person.
ii. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
iii. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
iv. Consider the benefits that person will receive for doing what you suggest.
v. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.