It's been one awesome week, what with selling our house, getting the finance together for our new house and planning our move.
Sitting in the spa, talking to my partner this morning, we reasoned that we had hit a stalemate in our lives for the last 10 years almost. I know I was craving stability but in creating that, I held us at a standstill to a detriment of the family. I had an abusive childhood, and with having 2 kids diagnosed with autism, it was just all to much. I wanted something which didnt cause stress, which stayed the same no matter what. I wouldnt let my partner change jobs, even when he hated it, nothing in the house was allowed to change and I hoarded everything for a rainy day.
Since I started the 100day challange (thanks to Jewelchic as I would never have heard of it had I not found her on You tube), I have over the course of 3 seasons changed everything. I delved into what I disliked in my life, what I dreamed to have, what I really wanted and most importantly decided that I was worth it. I have opened myself up to people more, I have become more vulnerable, but in doing so have also removed people's idea of me being superior. You see, I never allowed anyone to see my weaknesses only my strengths. I never acknowledged to anyone even to myself that sometimes life with 3 kids with autism is hard, or that recovery from severe abuse was and is hard and always ongoing. People saw the graceful swan on the surface and were envious of that, not seeing my legs beating wildly underneath trying to hold it altogether, including my sanity(which sometimes suffered). All they saw was the woman who could do anything she set her mind to and was good at everything....what they didnt see is the person so desparate to prove themselves worthwhile that they worked like crazy to learn to do everything so well so no one could criticize them. I could not deal with criticism in any form and to get it gave me huge mental issues. My mother continually criticised and it left me feeling unloved, uncared for and totally vulnerable to predators.
Today, I am embracing the changes as a good thing. I have removed a lot of the physical clutter from our lives (I threw out 2/3 of our stuff and Im still going) For the first time in our married life, the house is clean, neat and really tidy and even better, with minimal effort. You cannot organise clutter, just shift it from place to place. Now its all gone, so the house is always clean or at least 15 minutes away from being company ready. My daughter is happy as friends can drop in now rather than her having to give me a weeks notice of visitors coming. I no longer have to apologise as people walk in the door.
I can deal with criticism now and take it as constructive. I am proud of myself now and I can see the values that other people respect and love in me. I can have weaknesses and thats ok. No one is perfect and it makes them no less a beautiful person. ( I learnt that huge lesson talking to my daughters class about autism).
Now, I need to concentrate on making my business successful. Its a peice of my puzzle that still irks me, so now its time to put in 100% effort into making it everything I dream about.
The new house is like a new start for us all and we are all looking forward to it so much.