It is my day 60, which is amazing. But I've had a lot on my plate over the last couple of weeks. A while ago, Nicole mentioned Carolyn Myss's "Dark Night of the Soul" from Soul Contracts on HayHouse Radio...since the shit hit the fan with me last night, I decided to finally listen. Thank you Nicole for mentioning that a while back and I apologize for having to bail on our reading at the last moment; hopefully this blog will partially explain why.
Myss explains that heaven can place you in a chrysalis and dismantle your senses. You are placed into unreasonable circumstances that challenge every one of your beliefs you had until that moment. You realize there is no truth to egocentric belief systems. There are things that are not reconcilable at the level of the reasoning mind. You have to keep what cannot be reconciled exactly the way it is; that is the truth. You have to accept that it is not reconcilable. It is beyond me…I have to turn to something bigger than me. The circumstance is bigger than me and I cannot deal with it on my own.
I am going through my dark night right now and it is breaking me down in every way; ways I didn’t even think I could be broken down. So many things that were sacred to me are crumbling right before my eyes. I am unsure how to navigate through this. I know that all things happen for a reason. And perhaps something better lies ahead. But right now, the very person I loved the most has betrayed me, broken my trust, broken me down, and broken my heart. And I feel completely shattered.
I recently started Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth
, which is amazing, and I have been trying to be more present in my awareness through all of this. I think that helped me through this situation and handle it differently than I would have. Every moment I start spinning out inside my head or lose control and crying, I draw attention to my breathing. I am breathing. I am alive. I will breathe five seconds from now, five minutes from now, five hours from now, five days from now, and five years from now. Donna’s book asks “What can make me feel good right now?” Right now it’s been little things: bubble baths, sleep, meditation, walks outside, drinking a cup of coffee, being around friends. The little things alleviate some of the hurt, the heartbreak and pain, but getting through my bigger projects is proving to be more difficult—concentration is shot, etc. These little things are helping. But this is my dark night of the soul and I need to let go and let the universe guide me through this.
This little bit from the podcast resonated so deeply with me: “Ever since happiness heard your name it has been running through the streets trying to find you and several times in the last week God himself has even come to my door so sweetly asking for your address, wanting the beautiful warmth of your heart’s fire.” I need to remember this. The universe is there, waiting to guide me through and help me to find my light again. I am so grateful for this community and the friends I've made here who continually guide me along like little angels.