Well after yesterdays meltdown I have regrouped as I always do and am back into my own writing class, where i find books to teach me. I just realized there is more than one way to learn something and my way is just going to be a little different than most and that is perfectly fine. I am back to reading and studying Writing Fiction" a guide to narrative craft by Jane Burroway, Its used as a textbook in many colleges so it really is good.
The other conclusion I came to was that all this is a choice., Every thought I have about myself and my abilities are choices I make and I can change them at every given moment. I printed out a series of writing affirmations to look at all the time and they are working great. My friend Kay pointed out this morning that I am the Universe so when I scream at the Universe for making it so hard I am really screaming at myself,I am the one who is making it so hard. There is no separation Its all about me, the choices I make and what I am thinking about. So now I choose to believe that I am a fantastic writer, words just flow through me easily, I write beautiful scenes that are engaging and descriptive. Everything I thought i couldn't do now I know I can. Its such a better feeling and so empowering.