I need to swim. I would like to float but it does not seem possible or realistic. The other two are obviously not options.
Too much desperation in my life, and I have never really ever been one to feel or be desperate. So why now? No changes have come way. Regrettably, in one big way, things have stayed the same. That is cause for growing concern.
So how am I going to change it? How am I going to tap into a source of energy and prosperity? One step at a time? Serious planning and calculating? Why is it not easy? easier? Natural?
It is no longer natural because it has become more removed. It has become more removed because... So I need to tackle the cause of removal, really tackle it and take care of it, and then move on being me again. God that would be nice. To be me again. Like the old me. Not like the me of the last nine years, for worse.
So I need to tackle it. Then take care of it. How am I going to tackle it? I need help tackling it.
My mind is f-ing with me too much. I need to quell it somehow. Become friends with it or kill it. Can it be totally rid of? How would I try? Would it be better to make peace with it, friends with it? Is that what I really want? that compromise? Not really, not if I do not have to.