I feel kinda guilty having not posted in so long again. My challenge has had some big obstacles/changes/gifts along the way and January has been liking being inside a washing machine on spin cycle.
Hoping I can post this here and get a little love, support, healing anything that can help calm me or soothe me to be honest.
Well, firstly I think I told you I had some back issues arise in December, unfortunately they did not go away and got worse. I know it is all related to the changes I am choosing to make right now and the back relates to feeling unsupported and lots of fear 'back' there. So my lower back went into spasm and on new years day I could not walk as it locked me place. Anyway I went to the doctor, I am not someone that visits the doctor, and she sent me to physio. The pain was in my lower and had middle of my back numbness and aching, it also caused some neck issues.
So I have a course of exercises I am doing each day to strength my back (and to me strengthen my support). Its not too comfortable sitting and walking can be uncomfortable after 10 minutes but hoping the exercises will ease this.
Another thing that has been happening is what I can panics. I have noticed over the course of a year as I am deeply relaxing, about to either fall asleep or into that lovely place for meditation I suddenly gasp for air and feel like I am going to die. Its been happening for some time now and I had lots of heart tests last year because for some reason its all coming up lately about my fathers death (passed on of a heart attack). So this has been quite traumatising for me. I try to simply sit and lay there and tell myself I am safe, its only adrenilin but a few days ago I started hearing my heartbeat in my ear, I am hoping its just a simple ear infection and not tinnutus brought on by stress. So with the panic about dying and now hearing my actual heart I have not had so much fear come up all at once. I have been doing EFT, trying to meditate but meditating brings on the panics and have no clue what to do.
Mike came and held me in bed last night to try and calm me so I could sleep, he mentioned tranquilizers and I cannot think of anything more I would not take. I do sleep, it just often takes me some time to get to sleep, fortunately as I am not working I can sleep till past 9am when needed.
I mentioned the panics to the doctor but the heartbeat in the ear is new. I am going for more blood tests relating to my hormones and other tests because I have had some what you can only call Menopausal symptoms over this past year and at 36 its not normal (but my nan did go through menopause at 36). So I have 2 sets of tests to be done over my cycle.
And lastly (of this doom and gloom fear-based blog post - not my usual blog I know!), the skin under my eyes has become crepe and does not spring back anymore and so fear of aging quickly has come together will all the other fears.
I felt I was growing younger every day before 2013 came in. So this has been a big of a smack in the face to my beliefs and ideas about myself.
So needless to say a big ass cleansing taking place.
And so... this week I decided to cut out sugar from my diet and, cut back on coffee and gradually not drink coffee anymore. I have been investigating about sugar and had no idea the affect it can have on the skin and collagen, I never knew that over time it can reduce the elasticity of the skin and I really feel sugar has been having a big affect on me for a long time. It can also seriously muck around with hormonal balance and emotions.
I was brought up on cakes and lots of biscuits so I realise I have had a sugar addiction most of my life. So going through a detox right now and just kinda need the biggest hug anyone can give me, cyber of course.
And if you have any ideas on what to do about the fears and panics please do share.
Oh and I have been writing more on my blog kellymartinspeaks.co.uk more, its kinda tool for learning for me.