The 100 Day Reality Challenge

58/100 Ramblings to find myself and not get caught up in what others want for me.

Wow, it is odd that once I hit the halfway mark in my season that I started thinking of time running out.  Like I had reached mid-life, which technically I guess I did, but it is not a race, I am not on a timeline, my plans are to start season two on day 101.  So I think it is just good that I have had this awareness and can change my attitude about how I look at it, like I have kept steady with something for 58 days!  Or this is the second semester of season one, and it will be over soon but then I have other semesters to go and in school the end of a semester was always a good thing.

Mind fuzzy this morning as I have a big job I am hopefully applying for today.  I do have my back up plan if personnel is not ready for me to bring my app by.  I am in low angst about whether this would be the best job for me or not.  It would provide money.  Technically, I wouldn't have to move, but I feel to do the best job, I should move to and get more involved in the community.  It is an itty bitty community so I would be living in a fish bowl.  I think a lot of my fears are of what if people don't approve of me.  What if I live there and I am bored and miss a more active lifestlye.  What if I am judgemental about their "small town" lack of education attitude.  I guess it all has to do with acceptance and if I can truly accept myself and be happy, then others thoughts should not matter. 

I think what concerns me the most is other jobs I have gone after I have wanted 100% and more. I just got out of last week realizing I was applying for jobs because my friends wanted me to have them but I didn't.  Maybe I wish I would have kept quiet about it so I would know my own thoughts and not those of others.  There is one person in my life that I just don't trust to have my best interests at heart and they are very domineering and invasive and I am not sure if I can have them in my life. 

How would I feel if none of my friends knew about this job, would I want it?  This time last year, it wsa my dream job.  Due to unemployment, I eventually decided to focus on getting my counseling license, not because I longed for it, but because it seemed the logical thing to do.  Also, I could have my own business as a counselor.  Why is it easy for me to read the true intentions of some sets of people and not others, Because this person is a master at manipulation and I am not even sure they are aware of what they are doing. 

Things to calm myself down.

  1. I am just applying for the job, I haven't even been offered it yet.
  2. I did eventually get in touch with myself last week, I can do it again although I would rather not the hard way.
  3. Maybe my lesson in all this is not to be manifesting "things" but to get in such awesome touch with myself that I always and automatically know what is the best path for me to take so I can move unencumbered and straight forward on my path for what I want in my life.

My fears:

  1. That I will lose myself again.
  2. That I will make a mistake I drastically regret.
  3. That I will have to tell a friend of mine that I don't like a friend of hers.
  4. That I will have to extricate myself from someone.
  5. That at this point, I have absolutely no idea what I want and what is best for my life.

So... I will quit living in the what ifs.  I will live in today and take things one step at a time and if I stay in angst, I guess it is not the right thing/time for me.  Focus on the things in my life I am happy about.  Learn how to protect myself from the energy of others.  I am in a situation I don't know how to handle so this gives me a great opportunity to learn new skills and further myself along my path. 

So enough writing for now, it will not help me sort out what I want to know at this point. Scary thoughts!


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