Wow, it is odd that once I hit the halfway mark in my season that I started thinking of time running out. Like I had reached mid-life, which technically I guess I did, but it is not a race, I am not on a timeline, my plans are to start season two on day 101. So I think it is just good that I have had this awareness and can change my attitude about how I look at it, like I have kept steady with something for 58 days! Or this is the second semester of season one, and it will be over soon but then I have other semesters to go and in school the end of a semester was always a good thing.
Mind fuzzy this morning as I have a big job I am hopefully applying for today. I do have my back up plan if personnel is not ready for me to bring my app by. I am in low angst about whether this would be the best job for me or not. It would provide money. Technically, I wouldn't have to move, but I feel to do the best job, I should move to and get more involved in the community. It is an itty bitty community so I would be living in a fish bowl. I think a lot of my fears are of what if people don't approve of me. What if I live there and I am bored and miss a more active lifestlye. What if I am judgemental about their "small town" lack of education attitude. I guess it all has to do with acceptance and if I can truly accept myself and be happy, then others thoughts should not matter.
I think what concerns me the most is other jobs I have gone after I have wanted 100% and more. I just got out of last week realizing I was applying for jobs because my friends wanted me to have them but I didn't. Maybe I wish I would have kept quiet about it so I would know my own thoughts and not those of others. There is one person in my life that I just don't trust to have my best interests at heart and they are very domineering and invasive and I am not sure if I can have them in my life.
How would I feel if none of my friends knew about this job, would I want it? This time last year, it wsa my dream job. Due to unemployment, I eventually decided to focus on getting my counseling license, not because I longed for it, but because it seemed the logical thing to do. Also, I could have my own business as a counselor. Why is it easy for me to read the true intentions of some sets of people and not others, Because this person is a master at manipulation and I am not even sure they are aware of what they are doing.
Things to calm myself down.
So... I will quit living in the what ifs. I will live in today and take things one step at a time and if I stay in angst, I guess it is not the right thing/time for me. Focus on the things in my life I am happy about. Learn how to protect myself from the energy of others. I am in a situation I don't know how to handle so this gives me a great opportunity to learn new skills and further myself along my path.
So enough writing for now, it will not help me sort out what I want to know at this point. Scary thoughts!