Wow, at the beginning I asked the Universe for a push in the right direction. I tried following it, tried going against it but it continued to push. All the way up until this mroning. Last night I discovered the hubby was tracking my every move online. This morning he asked what I'd do (via email) I responded meditate today. He asked what on I replied: Life, peace in the house and myself. He wanted to know why peace, I asked if he hadn't noticed the tension. He responded with a long letter and in the end asked if I was getting a divorce. He came clean about seeing the sites I'd visited, one way he found out.
I wrote back telling him I"d been looking at everything due to his habit and that I saw was the most common thing for all gamblers. I told him I won't fight for us any longer, everything I've ever tried has been rejected. Finally he wrote back, told me he wanted to know what I meant by: Everything I tried, you threw back at me. I'm done trying to fix it." He wanted to know if that meant I was done and getting divorced. I did write him back stating: I'm done trying yes, I've left everything up to you now. You don't like help though so not sure what to say. I've wanted us to work for so long, I've been waiting for you to want it to work too. So what could we possibly do to make it work? I'm not willing to just accept that you say you won't go and you don't go. It needs to be more than that. It has never worked in the past and you were just there last wed. You tell me. You wrote back stating I'd already made up my mind. He loved me, didn't want divorce but couldn't think of any way. Which meant he'd just given up, he still isn't willing to do counseling.
I asked for a sign, I asked for a push, I think it just happened. He now knows the feelings I have, knows I'm not willing to except his word. I can only go with counseling but he is still not willing. I thank the universe, it hurts but I thank you for this. I know eventually things will be better and I will be happy once again. But I'll need more strength in the coming months.
Today: Relaxing, yoga, meditate and reading.