I've been thinking of this whole thing(100 day challenge)...and I feel like a failure.
I have these simple simple little practices and I haven't been doing them. I want to know why I haven't been doing them! Can I not just breath in the morning? Is it too hard for me to write for a few minutes!? Is it too hard for me to do a little bit of yoga and meditation!!?
It's not that hard. I am free all day and I choose to fill myself with food and lay by the laptop. I feel like a big rotten piece of furniture. I need to be thrown out. I want this life to be thrown out. I want to say goodbye to this part of me.
Why do I binge eat? 2 days fruit, one day rubbish.
I know how to eat, I know what to eat, I know how to exercise and dance. I know how to do all these wonderful "right" things, but why don't I do them?!
I have tried so many things so many times but never seem to stick to anything.
Persistence is my issue.
What do I do!?
What do I want?
I want to stick to a routine. I want to get up early EVERY day and do my practices.
Why do I want that? Because I believe it is the best thing to do....what if it wasn't the best thing to do? Maybe it's all in my mind?
God my mind is really screwing with me, I feel really confused. As soon as I start writing I become even more confused! None of this seems real. Life is scary.
I want answers. I want clarity. I want to be able to write properly without becoming confused. I want to stick to a plan. I want discipline. I want to exercise everyday. I want to meditate everyday. I want to have a mantra and STICK TO IT! I want to go easy on myself. I want to forgive myself. I want to love myself.
I'll let you know when I do...