The 100 Day Reality Challenge

So, I have been grieving for a couple of years now and I feel I am finally coming out of it more and more.  I have not experienced this level of grief before and I've had reason to, but this was the hardest.  I think a person becomes really disconnected while grieving, for me, it was to a point that I just couldn't tell what my emotions are doing, but now at least, I realize that I've sort of shut down.  Well, no, I did shut down.  Or shut off?  Anyway, I feel like I'm coming out of it now.  

I've discovered that it's like I've forgotten everything I've learned and am having to relearn everything except from a different perspective.  It's like I'm a different person with same memories, though I don't remember alot of them and different ways of looking at things. 

For instance, I've been interested in tarot and even bought a deck.  What's strange to me about this is, I used to be able to just do it intuitively and read the cards as I saw fit.  Now, it's odd, it's like I need to learn about the deck and teach myself a new way...hard to explain, but many things are like this lately.  Like I'm not me?  Some would call this the "walk-in" experience.  I don't think that, but it sure feels like I'm a new person, learning for the first time...It's very....strange.

On another note, I have finally fully disconnected from the guy I mentioned before.  Here's another odd thing.  When I'd get back with him, nothing and I mean nothing spiritual would come thru very well, as though I was in a Kryptonite cage.  It was like this the entire time I knew him. Others would just tell me maybe that's how we as twinflames roll.  That's bunk.  I now see that there are too many people that just take anyone as their TF's.  Just ain't so.  

I think he is the person blocking me from myself, not the other way around. TF's have all kinds of supernormal things happen around them.  It never did with him much.  Just some synchronicities.  I've tried to understand it, but my "love" for him just wouldn't leave. I'm thinking now that it was all to make me be more steadfast and trusting of the Universe.  If I had done that, I would have said, "why do I feel so disconnected around this guy?  Why do I feel nothing at all around this guy?"And separate myself from him,   but I kept thinking that maybe I was wrong and there in lies the rub. 

I just discovered today, that I have a group of thoughts that have kept me from being fulfilled.  It is mostly about my appearance and health level.

Physically I have alot of different things wrong with my appearance (wrong, judgement of bad, ugly , unattractive, rejection-worthy) and because of this, no matter who I attract, I become immediately self conscious.  So it's affected my sense of self worth based on appearances.  Yep it's shallow as all get out, but it's just plain true.

So I guess I am going to need to do some major soul searching about my appearance and the attachments there in and so on.....

I also found this, that I thought was interesting and recognized that I used to think this way and kind of forgotten this as well.  I'm not sure I agree with rest of article, but the top part was intriguing to me.

"The reason manifesting things or 'focusing on the positives' doesn't work is because we are using the ego and the mind to create what we think we want and judging the things we don't want as 'bad'. " 

from~https://steemit.com/manifesting/@ultravioletmag/why-manifesting-doe...;

It IS after all, our judgement that determines our vibe about something, or our vibe about our judgements.... or something like that...Yeah, I think I basically agree with this article.  I am not necessarily "there" yet, but this would be a very good way to be.

For me the key would be to find things that make you feel good about them till you get to a place of believability and then to finally knowing.  Once you know, then you have it.  

I keep having moments of knowing, but then it disappears and usually a kind of doubt comes back.  Other times I've manifested, I've always gotten to that place of knowing.  Some do this easily, I used to be kinda half and half in the ease, but now, it's been downright difficult.  Although lately, not as much.  

Because it's money.  I think there is just so much stigma surrounding money.  So many belief systems.  Most keep saying, including manifestors, "work hard"...you keep saying that and that's exactly what you have to do.  When I manifest, it's always been the "reaching the state of knowing" that's the hardest "work", not anything else, the rest is usually quite easy.

I remember seeing something about someone wanting to manifest out of thin air.  They tried it purely as an experiment.  In the end, what happened was, they were in a field I think, and something came floating down and they went to go see what it was and it was one dollar bill.

Yes, it could have come from a plane or stuck in a tree that let loose or wind blew it out of someone's hand, that's not the point, it showed up out of thin air for this person.  That's the point.  

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