The alarm on my phone went off and I thought "already?" My mind was still jogging through the thoughts of yesterday...
It was still early and the sun was hiding behing the bush of clouds whispering a silent good morning, I got onto the mat and listened to the Pilates instructor and did my best to catch up with the rest of the class. I yawned several times, I continued on to the spinning class and yawned some more. I didn't even sweat. I knew what I was doing wrong... or what was happening at least...
"I always do this to myself" I thought as I drove my way back home. It was happening again, I was sabotaging myself, I was getting comfortable again.
I'm really glad to announce that I now fit into all my clothes that did not fit before all the clothes with the buttons and zips! Even thought this is an achievement its not my goal, but for the last 3 days I have begun to feel myelf settling. I was so dissapointed with myself today for not giving my workout my all and for not sticking to eating well and ONLY when I am hungry... I was loosing faith in myself.
While washing my face in the mirror I asked myself why I was doing this again or why this was happening again, it just seemed like I always have these goals and never seem to get to them, I never seem to FINISH what I start, I give up on myself.
After some contempletion I gathered what was left of my spirit and decided to talk to God, up until today my converstaions with God or my prayers as you would call them always seemed to revolve around me, asking for help with this or that, " God please..." were often the way the prayers started.
But feeling rather low and discouraged I asked "WHAT DO I DO? this always happens to me..."
After expressing myself and experiencing mountains of despair, I knew that I was now in the valley of vulnerability...I believe that one only truly recieves when they are ready and their heart is open. Being so afraid that I was falling off track and settling for something other than my goal, I was vulnerable in the presence of Source.
A little part of me that I had been ignoring for a while spoke. It said "Charlie, how do you expect to have your dream body if you are not willing to take proper care of the one you already have?" "Why are so afraid to TRUST?" "YOU ARE NOT IN ALIGNMENT therefore what the Universe has prepared for you can not..."
I have realized today that with change comes change... and through my tears and fear I am slowly letting go of the notion I created that smoking will help me lose and maintain my weight (if that were so, how did I get so big whilst smoking?) and I'm slowly unclenching the fist that holds on to who I believe to be instead of who I really am and can be , my fingers hold a looser grip on cigarette packet.
I realized today that attracting my dream body is not just about losing weight, its also about shedding an old identity ... (Its so much more challenging than expected, throughout the 9 weeks of exercise and food portion control, this has been the hardest day of all, dealing with my beliefs of myself and emotional identity)
It has been a very hard day for me, full of vulnerability, prayer and tears. Its very scary for me to quit but I know I should...
THE UNIVERSE HAS SPOKEN I HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE...
(Even though part of me seems to be losing faith in myself there is no need to lose faith in the universe...
Even though I'm dead scared of quitting doesn't mean I'm not going to try, I also think that I've just taken a step forward in admitting that I am a smoker and acknowledging that this habit will limit my potential in terms of being in the vortex and being in alignment...)
Love and light, hugs and kisses!