What a perfect day for me to simply "stumble upon" this project. I have been "I'll-get-to-it-later"ing for far too long. I've given up so much of my free will because I'm simply not passionate in my life. These days, I feel like a walking bag of bones even though there is a shiny twinkle in my minds eye reminding me that I know what happiness looks like.
My happiness is not mind-bending panic attacks when I walk into crowded rooms. My happiness is not repetitive toxic behavior. My happiness is not the masks I where when I am not alone. My happiness is not awkward laughs to fill spaces in conversations. Somewhere underneath all of this lie happiness dormant. It wants to come out! I want to feel the treasures I have to bring to this world. I know we all have them. I can see them in others (an become envious!) but I cannot always see the beauty inside of myself.
After I made my first vlog entry, I was asked to join my roommates in a conversation on our deck. Since I'd decided to be in a state of sadness, I've forced myself to be very antisocial lately. Instead of doing the meditating I had planned, I chatted with the girls for a couple of hours. I feel like that was a big step for me. I would have chose to hide out alone if I didn't decide to try new things I'm not really comfortable with. I'm much more comfortable hiding from the world than showing my face in it.
My low self-esteem makes me believe that I am not needed anyplace. I've often felt that nobody wanted me around them, that I make people feel uncomfortable, that I am not funny when I try to be or things in that nature. I have done a lot of Caitlyn bashing... but very secretively. It's only now that my sadness is become very obvious to the people around me.
When I'm with someone else, I feel the sensation of their beingness with me. I can sense moods and emotions as if I were to taste a big bite of cheesy pizza. It's very real to me. This has come as a problem the older I become. It makes my socializing very traumatic sometimes.
I fear that because I don't create, I suck the light from others. It's as if I can't find my light so I'm always borrowing someone else's. I've spent a lot of time wondering if these thoughts are twisted disillusion or delusions. Maybe I am slowly losing my mind! I once believed that losing one's mind may not be such a bad thing.
Day 001 to a brighter, more vibrant, confident, calmer and all around healthier Caitlyn. I friggen' deserve to be happy.
**ADDITION TO THIS BLOG!!: I just thought it was important to document a success I had today.
I was sitting alone with my head in my hands on my front porch looking at the blue sky in a mood of sadness and loneliness but too fearful to go and socialize. I received a message from a friend who asked if I'd go for coffee in a small group. I automatically said, "Nope! Not going. I won't have anything good to talk about. I'll bore the pants off of them." I just stayed sitting there.
20 minutes passed and I decided not to take this rotten talk from myself any longer. I climbed up the hill, joined the group and spent the whole day with them having fun and enjoying the beautiful day. I normally wouldn't have taken that risk AND I realized that they didn't really mind if my jokes were terrible or I had nothing to talk about. I just had to be myself. That was enough.
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