Day 1 -When Everything Falls Apart

Hey guys...no matter how many times I stray away from this site, I always seem to come crawling back...lol

I first started posting here in 2011. That's seven years ago. Do you realize how crazy that is! Seven years! 

I was reading some of my old blog posts just for fun and couldn't help but chuckle to myself. The 21 year-old me is loans apart from the 28 year-old me. It's comical, really. I was so...optimistic back then. But then...everything changed. In the year of 2015, I got an illness that was undiagnosable by doctors. You may have heard of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or "M/E". It's one of the most undiagnosed, unresearched illnesses in the world. Tons of people are going without a diagnosis (watch either "Afflicted" or "Unrest" on Netflix and you'll be able to see exactly what kind of stuff I went through).

The kinda...unsettling thing is...what does this mean for the "Law of Attraction". I spent the last 7 years "living" by the rules of "being in the flow", "trusting the universe", "surrendering", "surfing the waves"...so why did it lead me to this illness?

Reading back all my blogs, I remembered that I manifested a lot of things...my first relationship, a big career boost, $8000!?....a squash lol. I consciously "called" these things in, yet in 2015, all of those things were taken away from me in a single swipe. 

I've heard random gurus say that the human spirit just wants to be whole again and will do whatever it takes to get there, even if the road is rocky. Well...my spirit took on hell of a rocky road and not the yummy kind with marshmallows hehe. 

The amount of sadness, pain, disconnection and despair I experienced in the last two years is probably enough to last the average person, hmm...I'd say a good twenty-thirty years. Easily. I'm not trying to do a whole "woe is me" thing, I'm just saying...it was a really big deal.

I completely lost faith in the universe to support me. I felt abandoned by the universe. Like I was a teddy bear that she outgrew. I never felt more misunderstood in my life by both my doctors and my family and still am fighting against the way that changed my brain and automatic thinking tendencies. 

I wanted to start posting on here everyday again and maybe start a 100-day challenge. But it just feels so different now. I don't "want" things in the same way I used to and I can't decide whether that's me discovering some deep spiritual truth or me just forgetting what it feels like to be happy. 

I feel like I'm at a point now where my mind is clearing up and reaching some sort of equilibrium where I'm not completely at the mercy of the mental illness that has developed due to the trauma I've experienced. I feel like MAYBE, just maybe...I can start picking up the pieces...gradually, one by one and this time do it for MYSELF. Not so I can impress the people around me. 

So my goals for this challenge are a little different than they were the last 4 seasons...they're a lot more simple, but to eventually live these things would mean everything to me. 

1. To be able to connect with other people

2. To get a job

3. To feel safe in my body

4. To have a group of friends

So those are the things I'll ideally reach by the end of the 100 days. 

In the mean time, I'll be posting my grateful lists, and reading all the inspiring blogs on here.

Grateful:

1. My fan! (it's so hot where I am)

2. My tanned skin...lotsa sun

3. My sister