The 100 Day Reality Challenge

Day 12: Just! Some news which has left me shocked...

I just discovered that somebody I know has been unfaithful to his wife...somebody I look up to. And I can't tell anybody coz you know, families are involved and that kind of information can hurt folks. But I feel like my whole faith that men really can be faithful, and that a 'til death do us part' is possible has just been sideswiped. It isn't that I'm judging him per se, but if it doesn't work for him, I doubt it can work for anybody... I can't quite articulate why it has upset me so much, but it feels like a slap...

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Comment by SML on July 1, 2011 at 4:49am

Hi Jilly & Joanna, you make some good points. I don't know if he has told his wife about this/if it is still going on, but I do know they decided to seek therapy as he was going to leave. He is a good guy, so I can expect it will come out in the therapy. But I think I'll open a conversation with her on the subject and see if she already knows and if not encourage her to ask him. Knowing him I would be surprised if he would lie - and he may have already told her. I really identify with what you said Joanna though, about wanting to know and that you would feel humiliated if you found out. I think that is part of my fear/the issue. Making myself vulnerable and risking heartbreak and humiliation. This whole thing has just been a big mirror showing me my issues, which is good, but all just really painful. I really like what you said Jilly, about marriage being something you work at. I've heard this from a few older & wiser friends!! :) It also shows me that if this is what I'm putting out to the universe then this is what I'm going to attract (which is not what I want!!). Sooo lots of 'processing' to come I think! Very ouchy!! :)  Thanks for your feedback & comments, it is really helpful to get other perspectives!! XX

Comment by Jill on June 30, 2011 at 2:37pm

Oh my goodness, I ask myself sometimes why the Universe has be open some blogs and not others.

I hope in your heart and you follow your intuition weather or not to inform his wife of any facts you have regarding this.

I know when this sort of thing is made known to me by the Universe/God...it is for a reason and I ask myself "would I want to know if I were this betrayed wife"?... and the answer is a huge YES. If she has a family to take care of, she will want to be tested to know if he has passed on anything that could endanger her health and the well being of the family as Joanna has noted.

Another factor is this: If the wife finds out later that you knew all along of this information and you didn't tell her, you will have to live with that as well. Like it or not you are in the equation.

I agree with David...you have not only judged him (your friend) for being with another women, you have judged a whole population of men for the same act. I will repeat what David said...but louder...OUCH!

About what Joanna said: Lets be clear that the men population is not the only population subject to this sort of behavior. Women step out on men as well. An again one women's actions should not reflect the entire women population either as David stated regarding men.

About what Milko said: "I know you as women all that you see is "MEN" are liers and cheaters and a lot of other things" NOT TRUE...and here again another judgment. OUCH!

TO: Megan

About the "happily ever after thing" My husband and I are going on 33 years of marriage and 36 of being together. For both of us..a first marriage. I wonder how long...is long enough to be considered

"Happily Ever After"? Funny how those word seem to make it sound like a FAIRY TAIL. . . trust me its not...its hard work and commitment.

Sending you all that have comment here...my best wishes and Love, Jilly

 

Bottom line here is: They are married and have made a commitment to each other.  If one or the other wants to step out of the commitment...they should do so openly. Getting a divorce is stepping out of the commitment. Once divorce and free of the commitment you are free to do what ever you heart desires.

All I have to say is Karma bites.

Comment by SML on June 30, 2011 at 12:04pm
Hi guys, wow....Yes, I have to say this is about me being disappointed in him rather than him per se. It just shocked me to see him as human. I think you're totally right. He & his wife are in therapy about things, so I can only hope that they will work things out whatever that may be. I don't know if she knows about this though, but I guess I'll leave it to them & their therapist. As for me, I don't quite know what to do with it....but that's ok. I'd rather sit with it consciously than have it sabotage me unconsciously! :) Thanks everybody so much for your comments. This has been an issue which has really touched my heart and I really appreciate your comments and support. What an amazing community! X
Comment by David on June 30, 2011 at 11:45am

I usually try to avoid giving any direct "advice" to anyone as there are so many factors to consider when looking at ANY situation, and some may be hidden which wouldn’t allow for an accurate answer anyway. But I do believe inevitably we all must find our own answers within ourselves in the end no matter how many people give us their input. From what you have stated in this one paragraph though it does seem as though you are judging all men by what this one man did…… ouch, I didn’t know I was being judged by what someone else did. That would be like me judging all women by what my first GF did to me over 30 years ago and if I did I wouldn’t be married today. I can understand the hurt and the harsh reaction because we ALL do that, and probably more often than we would like to admit but try and keep it in its proper perspective. HE did this, not all men, and your having him on a higher pedestal than others may be the what is causing you to feel betrayed, not just that he did this to HER but that he did this to YOU… which in truth it was your seeing him as someone who more than likely he wasn’t to begin with.

 

Look a little closer at what YOU wrote (hopefully after you have had a day or two or a week to reflect on it) and see if this isn’t more about you than it is about him. You will never change another but you may not want to make your judgments about a group of people based on what you perceived one man to be. After all it wasn’t all men than did this, it was a man that you had convinced yourself wasn’t like that.

 

What he did was wrong but if anything needs to be looked at it is not him but within you.

 

It isn't that I'm judging him per se, but if it doesn't work for him, I doubt it can work for anybody...”

 

That sounds more like hurt and betrayal than actual truth.

 

Not sure if this helps you, but that is my perspective on what you did share.

Comment by Milko Vidaurre on June 30, 2011 at 10:43am
I'm really sorry you have this episode in your life, I know you as women all that you see is "MEN" are liers and cheaters and a lot of other things...I don't blame you men sometimes are all that...but lets not judge this people so quick...we as a third party specially if is family, only see one side, one version of the story which is usually the bad guy...but we don't know what happened behind closed doors...I'm not saying he had a perfect excuse to cheat...NOTHING is a excuse to cheat a loved one...but who knows whats really happening with a marriage or a couple....my suggestion is that you talk with this person before grows into something bigger where people can get hurt....
Comment by Megan on June 30, 2011 at 8:57am
Amen sister. :)
Comment by SML on June 30, 2011 at 4:30am
Hi Megan, thanks for your comment! It's nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I guess you really never know what is going on with folks - and maybe this is the best thing for them... I guess it is useful to help me try to understand that 'happily ever after' can only be found within & you can't count on anybody else to give it to you...  
Comment by Megan on June 29, 2011 at 11:09pm
Something similar happened to me today.  I learned my cousin's husband left her and it upset more than I would have expected.  I really like him, and them together.  I had a similar reaction in that I thought most marriages don't work out and what's the point.  I don't know the details of their relationship intimately so who knows.  But I suppose its their journey and I can't compare it to mine or anyone else's.

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