The 100 Day Reality Challenge

Suicide of the Soul

 

I don’t get along well in this world.

I don’t like that my personal world has come all, I mean totally, unfurled.

Things are not like I want them to be,

I have trouble fitting in with reality.

Reality where the world is so cold,

People so stupid my blood boils, not slow.

I don’t seem to fit anymore, anyhow,

But I’m too much a coward to end it all now.

Wish that I had courage and strength to end this fight

With a deathly blow called suicide.

But strangely my fate that shall not be

So how will I learn to dance with reality?

The world will not change just to fit me,

I am going bonkers mad because I don’t like what I see.

How to get the two to mesh is the question on my plate

Where my destiny awaits

Tired of feeling so totally out of control

Tired of being upset over every little toilet roll

What can I do, how can I cope

Should I try drugs, alcohol, and dope?

This is my plan, if I can’t kill my body,

I’ll kill my self.

Not myself as in my physical being,

Just my soul who has no place on this earth.

Born so wrong, should have died a long, long

Time ago, when I had the chance.

Always f( ) up my life.

Never doing anything right

Too many tears, too much pain

I can’t go on and I can’t turn around.

Desperate I feel, so tired and alone

Wanting to make this world my home,

But that is a wish whose time has passed

I don’t fit in my mortal cast.

So if I can’t find the strength to kill

My soul shall die,

Will I be healed?

Walking around not giving a damn,

Going through the motions putting on a sham

But wait that’s what I am already doing

Trying to pretend important things don’t matter

Wishing I had the power to right the wrongs

But no one else in society sings the same songs.

What will I do, how will I cope?

It sucks when you pray for God to cut the rope!

Nothing to believe in

No hope coming by

This is my life

This is why I want to die

I have tried and tried and tried for so long,

Sometimes things go right and I think it will be ok.

But those times are few and far between,

This is the worst it’s been, or so it seems.

I know in reality it’s probably not so

I may have had worse in times gone past

How and WHY have I survived my wretched past?

Wanting to give up, not wanting to go on

Can this please be my swan song?

Is there another life somewhere I can live where

People are smart and intelligent,

Caring and kind, and give a dent.

People caring about each other and the earthly world,

Instead of being so greedy and public nuisances.

Why does the world put up with these things

And why do I have to be so fucked up that I can’t

Struggle always a struggle

So scared of losing what little control

I feel I have

I’m losing my grip on the world.

Don’t know what to do,

Don’t know how to cope

What am I afraid of deep inside

Losing control and killing someone?

Going bonkers and being embarrassed for being on the news and then locked up in prison?

Embarrassing my family if I kill myself.

And where is the compassion if this is true,

Everyone says, Don’t kill yourself, think about what that would do to others!”

Well, that’s just it, I don’t like that message,

If…I killed myself, it would not be to “hurt” others or get revenge,

It would be to end my OWN pain and sorrow.

And why wouldn’t people yes, maybe be sad but most of all be compassionate that I felt that bad that I actually murdered myself.

Maybe that’s all I want is some understanding and compassion.

Fuck, I don’t even know what I want anymore.

Well I do, but I don’t think it will ever be reality.

I want to be happy, I want the government to quit funding programs like unemployment and Section 8 Housing where people get things for free and don’t have to work for them.  I want social security and medicare to be stopped so that people, individuals actually have to learn and plan how to take care of themselves and not rely on the government.  I think the government should be here to just keep us safe, and I don’t think that we should get in the affairs of other countries even if they are killing each other.  Let them deal it out on their own.  Yes, maybe we can offer political assylym.  I think illegal aliens should get kicked out of this country and if they want to be here enter legally and we should quit paying for them and their children and things like the Dream Act.  I wish Christians would get off their high horses and either take the Bible literally at everything or not at all.  Quit condemning people.  I think the government has no right to censor whether or not homosexuals get married and should have rights as married people.  Married is married, and it doesn’t/shouldn’t matter if they are two men, or two women, or a man and a woman, or three men and one woman, etc., as long as everyone is doing it because they want to not because they have to .  I think schools should WANT kids to get smart, and be independent, and rock the boat but bring us to new places.  I think drugs and prostitution should be legalized and if we choose to use them that is our chose.  We should have that right.  Although some things like driving under the influence should be outlawed because it can impinge on the rights of others.  Just like I don’t think it’s right to kill someone because you are high or rob them because you need money to get drugs. 

I am realizing that what I really feel inside are ideas that yes, are not thoroughly thought through, for an understanding of the full ramifications.  I also came to an understanding that I personally hold a lot of unpopular beliefs.  This is the first time I have sat down and written them all out or perhaps even consciously put them together.  It scares me that I believe things that are so unpopular because; no how will I be popular?  I won’t because these are unpopular ideas.  I feel if I share them with the world at large, no one will hire me.  I feel if I share them in my inner circle that I could lose friends, but…I am scared if I keep them inside that I am dishonoring myself which I think is why I was so fucked up and suicidal in the first place.  Me, of all people, Queen of Genuineness, lying to myself and others about what I believe in.  Afraid to take a stand for or even talk about and acknowledge what I think.  All those times I let people assume I am a Christian because I don’t correct them and tell them I am not a Christian.  Not standing up for myself when I work hard for something and people assume it just comes easily or that I slept with someone to get what I got.  So afraid to hurt other people’s feelings that I let mine get walked all over time and time again.  Not checking in with myself to see how I am doing.  Not standing up and telling people I don’t believe in/like/want the Dream Act to be passed, not standing up to “Christians” who are anti gay right’s, not standing up to people who are just afraid of others who aren’t like themselves, afraid of losing control and what I could/would do.  Afraid of gaining weight, not seeing my friends and family enough before they/I die.  Afraid of every little mistake I might, could, and do make.  Afraid of actions I don’t realize until years, many years passed that I made the wrong choice, afraid that my who life is just an illusion and I am the one who has not true sense of self of who I am, what my life is really about.  Afraid of dying before I come into my true self, ACCEPT IT, and well I guess I am not sure what I am supposed to do with it except maybe just live it.  It is akin to being in a new job where you are learning the ropes and feel out of place for a while until things become more routine and you have proved yourself.  I guess this means I have to sit down and figure out what dreams I have to give up.  Undoubtedly, this is not the way to win lots of friends, by having AND acknowledging unpopular views.  But then again, perhaps it could be the path to getting the deeper and truer friendships that I want.  At least I would be being true to myself, which has always been my big launching point/soapbox.  I don’t know how my life will change, but I do feel calmer now just getting this out of my psyche and mind and into my consciousness.  This, is something I can actually make decisions and do something about whereas when all I had was sorrow and loss, the only things I really did were cry and have higher blood pressure, (plus eat a lot of chocolate and drink, and more recently take sedatives to keep myself under control and socially respectable) Now I have a lot of grieving to do but also some acceptance of who I really am, or at least a new part of me.  Experimentation, and learning.  So why did I get sad in the last few sentences again.  Will my life ever stop being a merry go round.  I want my peace and happiness and mental well being and mental health?  Is it possible or will I kill myself?  Or will I kill my soul?  Well, I have options, but I don’t think I have the guts to kill myself, which in itself makes me feel even less competent.  I have been and could continue to strangle my soul.  I guess some and maybe me believe if you strangle it enough it it will actually die, but I think most of me believes this is not true and that that is why people are so unhappy is because we deny who we truly are and what we truly think.  So I guess my third option would be to acknowledge and keep acknowledging the parts of myself I am scared to share with people.  I also think maybe I can be a role model just by allowing myself to be me, unpopular ideas and all and maybe help others see that this might be the way to be and a better option than keeping it “ALL BOTTLED UP INSIDE!”

Ciao

 

 

 

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