The 100 Day Reality Challenge

Heyho everybody :)!

I know it is day #3 already of the challenge, and so far I have been kind of busy. But first things first I*d say :

One day before the challenge even STARTED, I had an appointment at the employment bureau. The woman who I talked to was extremely nice and I told her about my story so far (so that she understood me better), and that I am definitely bored at home and that I want to prepare for getting a job and so on. Anyways, she told me about a project I can participate in which is designed for people like me (Let*s just put it this way : I am not 100% "healthy", and not able to do several jobs because of this. But I don*t want to only focus on my disease and what I cannot do - There is so much out there that I CAN do after all :D!). I got the address, and I will go there next week, as I was not able to go there this week (This is an opportunity to learn about the project, and to maybe get into that ...).

I feel so much closer to my goal of finding a job, and it feels so good. I wasn*t sure whether I should mention it here, because it really happened the day before everything started. This project will last for four weeks, I will learn to work again and there are several fields I can work in, too. It prepares people for the "working world", and a rehabilitation apprenticeship ... And you know what? I also already found out which jobs will be offered as apprenticeships, and I fell in love especially with one of them :]!! I am so much looking forward to this, you cannot believe this~!!

So much on the job seeking :). Unfortunately, I didn*t continue working on the gratitude/vision journal, but I will do so today. Since I love the drawing and listing of inspirational quotes both from other people or me.

As for being more creative and making music -- I need to get into that again. I haven*t felt that creative recently, which somehow is strange, but ... I know I will get there again. I also had the idea for a screenplay - I am not sure whether I told you already or not, but I did. It is closely related to my own life, and I will have to find people willing to participate and a camera ... But these are mainly excuses. Maybe I am just scared of opening my heart like that, but after all - I am an artist at heart and many, many things I have made or written or whatevered so far have a close relationship to my heart and my feelings and what I have gone through ... (I don*t want to feel that hatred again, though. But maybe the screenplay will help me deal with some things better?)

Which now reminds me ... Does anybody of you know the story "The little soul and the sun" (by Neale Donald Walsch)? It is such a beautiful story, and if you ever have to deal with the pain coming from others insulting you in any way, please read through it. It greatly helped me on day #1, and I cried almost all day because I had to think of all those who ever harmed me, but not with a feeling of hate or non-understanding them, but with love.

Exercising and losing weight ... I wish I had done more. I only bought some things like paprika, but didn*t eat them in the end. I know this has to change, and I want it to change, AND I WILL CHANGE IT. I am in the process of doing that.

Love? I ... must admit I sort of am developing a crush on somebody whom I have loved for so long now again. But this time it isn*t related to any feelings of "I must do this and that" or so. I don*t feel forced into any kind of feeling, and I don*t connect him with all the bad things that have been in between. I guess that*s because of the story, too. I know he cannot love me back and he won*t, but I am not angry at him because of this. I just love him for the person he is and for everything he has brought into my life, and I am so thankful for all of these things. Without this kind of love, I wouldn*t be who I am today :). What is different here is that I don*t feel jealous when he is with others, but I am happy that he feels good in their company, and that he has those people around him, and ... I don*t know. He means a lot to me!

Last but not least, I sort of got into shopping fever yesterday *looks down in ashamedness* *then looks up again and laughs* :D. I bought some make-up and I am thinking about dying my hair, aaand I bought some clothes, too. (Socks. But they express who I am, I am sure ;D!!) As for the make-up -- I have to admit that I have no real idea of how to apply it, but I want to give it a try. It is like, I can express myself even better, and I am sure it will look beautiful. Mainly it is black eyeliner, turquoise nail polish, light turquoise eyeshadow, purple eyeshadow and those things you need for applying the eyeshadow. And that*s all already.

It may sound strange but sometimes you have to wear a mask in order to recognize who you are. (And when you read the story ^^, you will know who you are. It will be a lot easier ...) ^___^

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