The 100 Day Reality Challenge

I have realised I am addicted to self development. In fact, the more that I think about it, I feel that this addiction has ruined my life. For the past few years it has consumed me. I have been unable to relax and simply enjoy life as I am so obsessed with analysing things, trying to improve myself, working on goals, striving for more and never being happy with where I am. I think I have been obsessed with fixing myself for years now. I started changing my diet, seeing a naturopath, doing yoga and meditation and reading self development books. I had
felt powerless and depressed my whole life and these new tools proved as methods to help me change my life. I finally discovered my personal power and my ability to create my life the way I wanted it to be.

My obsession with self improvement ended up becoming quite self destructive. I developed a serious eating disorder and became extremely introverted. I would spend hours reading, life planning, thinking of ways to reach my goals. I would wake in the night with my mind racing. I would beat up on myself when I fell off the wagon. I would criticise myself for not being where I wanted to be. I started to focus more on all the things that were wrong with my life that needed to be fixed, and rather than making me happier, I just grew more and more dissatisfied.

It seemed like nothing was ever good enough. I would reach goal after goal, only to set a new one without any acknowledgement of my achievements. I nit-picked at my diet and my body. I found fault in everyone around me and decided that if only they could fix themselves like I was then they would be happy. I lost the feeling of joy and excitement that came from self awareness and expansion, and it became like a chore. I pushed people away. I closed off. Nothing seemed to make me happy. No matter what I did or what I got it just didn’t feel like enough. I kept on attracting new things in to my life, and none of them seemed to give me what I was looking for.

It has only been today that the light has really gone on inside of me about this. I was speaking to a coach from a self development company and I was talking to her about enrolling in one of their courses. Deep down I felt that I really didn’t want to do the course. It just didn't feel right for me. But, when I got off the phone from her negative thoughts started to surface in my mind telling me that maybe I should do the course. I felt like I had to do it to make me happy, to solve my life’s problems, and to achieve what I want. The same old feelings came back of – you’re not doing enough, you’re not a success, you’re not achieving anything, you're not living your life full out, - you should really do this course!!!

I sat with those thoughts for a bit, and then I came home and I did a meditation and my heart opened. I suddenly realised how ungrateful I have been being in my life. How I never acknowledge the good, only the bad. How I never say thank you to the universe what it is gives me rather I complain about the things it doesn’t give me. How I don’t acknowledge or even notice the positive aspects of things in my life, only the negative. I never focus on the things I am doing well, only the things I am failing at. How I never seem the beauty in me, only the faults. I suddenly realised I have a not enough consciousness.

I have decided now, that I no longer want to be searching for what is missing in my life, for what needs to be fixed, for what is wrong, for what is not good enough or for what is not happening.

Instead I want to be present now and focus on what I do have

  • · I want to thank the universe for every gift it brings me every day
  • I want to acknowledge every opportunity
  • · I want to find the blessing in every experience
  • · I want to notice the great things in my life
  • · I want to appreciate the positive aspects of things and people
  • · I want to savour in the joy of life
  • · I want to notice the beauty that surrounds me
  • · I want to feel content with what I have
  • · I want to love and accept who I am, just as I am
  • · I want to welcome whatever life gives me with open arms
  • · I want to feel good no matter where I am or what I have
I want my daily intention to be joy. I simply want to enjoy life. I want to fill my life with lots of little things that bring me joy. I want to live in a way that makes joy spring from my heart. I want to make sure everything I do is aligned with theintention to experience as much joy as possible.

My goal now is not to achieve my goals, but rather to live in happiness every day. It is not about getting things outside of me to make me happy, it is just about being happy now. I realised I used to have a case of the... I will be happy when I have... . When you live like this, you put your happiness in to the future and make it dependent on outside things.

There is nothing that needs to be fixed. All is well. All is perfect. I am doing enough. I am enough, period. Every day I will go forth in to the world with an open heart and love what I see. Even if I can’t see the good in something initially I will search for it. I will make every decision based on which option feels the best to me.

From this beautiful place of contentment I will live day by day, moment by moment as a joyous creator loving and appreciating all that the beautiful universe has delivered to me.

Nothing is missing. I am exactly where I need to be right now. I am so blessed. I am enough. I am doing enough. I have enough. I am free to simply enjoy this moment. All is well.

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Comment by Elise Wilder on September 30, 2010 at 10:11am
What a beautifully written blog entry. I am moved to tears, REALLY! I was recently listening to a friend who had become a acutely aware of the same things you mention above. He said that he had decided to take all the wisdom he had gathered (up to this point), and let it "marinate" as opposed to continuing to read more, do more and be more. He decided to focus more on being in the moment with the wisdom he currently had. I believe he knew that at some point he'd be ready to read another book, etc., but for now, was content on just being fully present, and, as you mentioned above, happy with who is right now!
Thank you for sharing from such a deep place in your heart...
Sending you light and appreciation,
Comment by mzEZrider on September 19, 2010 at 6:18am
I love your honesty, you inspire me, you write so well!
Comment by Kelly Martin on June 3, 2010 at 6:40am
Great blog, I could have written that myself :-))
Thanks for sharing experiences and where you are now, heres to happy NOW!

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