I have realised I am addicted to self development. In fact, the more that I think about it, I feel that this addiction has ruined my life. For the past few years it has consumed me. I have been unable to relax and simply enjoy life as I am so obsessed with analysing things, trying to improve myself, working on goals, striving for more and never being happy with where I am. I think I have been obsessed with fixing myself for years now. I started changing my diet, seeing a naturopath, doing yoga and meditation and reading self development books. I had
felt powerless and depressed my whole life and these new tools proved as methods to help me change my life. I finally discovered my personal power and my ability to create my life the way I wanted it to be.
My obsession with self improvement ended up becoming quite self destructive. I developed a serious eating disorder and became extremely introverted. I would spend hours reading, life planning, thinking of ways to reach my goals. I would wake in the night with my mind racing. I would beat up on myself when I fell off the wagon. I would criticise myself for not being where I wanted to be. I started to focus more on all the things that were wrong with my life that needed to be fixed, and rather than making me happier, I just grew more and more dissatisfied.
It has only been today that the light has really gone on inside of me about this. I was speaking to a coach from a self development company and I was talking to her about enrolling in one of their courses. Deep down I felt that I really didn’t want to do the course. It just didn't feel right for me. But, when I got off the phone from her negative thoughts started to surface in my mind telling me that maybe I should do the course. I felt like I had to do it to make me happy, to solve my life’s problems, and to achieve what I want. The same old feelings came back of – you’re not doing enough, you’re not a success, you’re not achieving anything, you're not living your life full out, - you should really do this course!!!
I have decided now, that I no longer want to be searching for what is missing in my life, for what needs to be fixed, for what is wrong, for what is not good enough or for what is not happening.
Instead I want to be present now and focus on what I do have
My goal now is not to achieve my goals, but rather to live in happiness every day. It is not about getting things outside of me to make me happy, it is just about being happy now. I realised I used to have a case of the... I will be happy when I have... . When you live like this, you put your happiness in to the future and make it dependent on outside things.
There is nothing that needs to be fixed. All is well. All is perfect. I am doing enough. I am enough, period. Every day I will go forth in to the world with an open heart and love what I see. Even if I can’t see the good in something initially I will search for it. I will make every decision based on which option feels the best to me.
Nothing is missing. I am exactly where I need to be right now. I am so blessed. I am enough. I am doing enough. I have enough. I am free to simply enjoy this moment. All is well.