I wanted to write this when the emotions are still flowing, for my own record and just an intention to the universe, even though I have spoken them out-loud I need to record this.
I have been living with Mike for 9 years now. My Father died 10 years ago on the 1st of December. Mike came into my life a year after and he supported me, empowered me, helped me see myself in a better light. We tried romance, it did not work, we just did not feel that way together. I know, I know him from other lifetimes, we both had the same dream of standing on a beach as tsunami hit and dying together (he relayed this dream to me at the beginning of our relationship and it was the exact dream I had been having).
Anyway, we met online, we met camping, a week later he moved in. We have lived in a small flat for 9 years now. We love one another but we do not relate so much any more. He is my best friend but mainly my only friend and loneliness is arising right now a lot and with Christmas season coming up I am reminded of how I am meant to be moving on with my life.
I don't want antidotes or advice from my posting this, I just need to be heard here.
I love him, but im not in love with him. I am finding the age gap really hard lately (he is 75 - think or 76), I am 36. He gets me like no-one else has gotten me before, he stayed around when I had my needy/dependant phase of the relationship when in the past all others left.
As you know been really focusing on allowing in abundance/money into my life, focusing on what holds me back etc etc... and I have known deep down my reliance on Mike is what holds me back.
The fear of being alone.
The fear of change.
The fear of no-one getting me like he gets me.
The fear of letting go and moving forward into a new life.
I need to move foward now. I can no longer allow the fear of change (money - what money means = change), to hold me back.
There has been a fear of letting go of Mike for the longest time because so much of the fear revolves around my dads death. My inner child cries like a baby and relates saying goodbye to Mike as saying goodbye to my Dad all over again and I know how painful that was.
I have been doing a lot of EFT on this and im considering getting Mike to do some distant EFT on the subject because I think im too close to it.
I don't know if this makes sense, that the fear of saying goodbye would link in with the grief of the past but it does in me.
I have spent 30 minutes tapping through tears this morning but I need to move forward. And let in what i need to let in.
People have told me motivate yourself, make the changes... this fear has blocked even the inspiration of what to do or how to do it.
I know I am where i am because this part of me is so scared of change. But I want it, badly now.
I just need some love and support.
Please don't tell me what to do. I don't know what to do, all I know is I need to release this pain now so I can let in the inspiration and hear my intuition so I can do something about it and see the road to take.
Thank you for listening.