Day 39............Conquering the Mood

I am in somewhat of an awful mood today. Well it started last night. It's horrible that my mood is severely effected by my relationship. I am trying to not get in the negative mind frame, but sometimes it just happens. Now I am just in a bummed mood and I need to kick it. I hate the way it makes me feel and I never accomplish anything while in that mood. I do get a rush of things that I want to get off my chest and think of what I want to say, but when the time comes I can never explain myself or how I am feeling. The points seem so good when they are in my head, just caught in translation.

The things that I find myself getting upset at and making me crazy are when I feel that Dana is being selfish and really doesn't care about anything but his feelings and what he wants. It is really hard to get past these feelings and to let them go. All I want to do is stick to the anger and make my stand. But then Dana doesn't get it, and he thinks it's not a big deal and it gets me angrier. I hate to be distant from him and it makes our nights together hard. I let things effect us and it's not necessarily fair to Dana cause he really doesn't understand what the big deal is.

I just want to be able to find the words to express how I am feeling and to be capable of making my points valid and clear. I want Dana to understand where I am coming from and why certain things are a big deal to me. I want Dana to gain perspective and to give more to my wants and needs. I know he is trying and that he isn't used to giving to someone or having to worry about someone else's feelings, but I need him to start learning how. It gets me so frustrated that I take it out on our relationship and then it is strained. I just want us to be happy and in love. I want us to enjoy our time together and want to be with each other. I want Dana to want to do things for me and our relationship. I want to just be calm and let go of all the nervousness and uneasy feelings.

Tonight we are seeing each other and I am going to try and change my mood. I want us to have a great night and to really enjoy each other. I want Dana to put my needs first for tonight and to give to our relationship. I want Dana to stay the night with me. I want Dana to have understanding. I know that these things are capable of happening and I can achieve my good mood and have my wants and needs met by Dana. I just need to believe in him and know that he can do it. That he will do it. That he wants to do it. I am really trying not to ask too much or seem too needy, but there are the days that I need to be the selfish one. I give so much and try and put him first everyday that sometimes I feel lost at how to get him to see how much I love him and give to him. I only want to feel appreciated and wanted. I am not asking for anything more than just being with me and making me feel wanted. I just want to feel that he is in this as much as I am.

I guess that is what all of this writing is all about. Getting your thoughts down, learning from them, and moving on from there. So now, I just want to be in a good place and have a light heart and head. I want to feel the security and the love that Dana has for me. I want to see and feel that Dana wants me and needs me. I just want Dana and I to be happy together. So here I am letting it go, choosing happiness, and hoping for a good night. Fingers crossed.

LOVE