I absolutely love encouraging people to follow their dreams and passion in life, I always have people compliment me on how positive I am. However on Wednesday morning, I found that I had to encourage myself just to get out of bed. I suffer from anxiety and depression, I was officially diagnosed a few years ago, but this has been happening my entire life, I remember the first 'episode' even before I was in elementary school. I am not currently taking any medication, this is a decision that I have made on my own, it is not a recommendation or suggestion to anyone else who is suffering from depression. When I felt that old sensation creeping in again, I said a little prayer, please God don't let this happen to me again, I didn't want to slip in to a full on depression as I have so many times in the past, then a voice popped in my head, "take control", what the heck does that mean? Wouldn't it be great if I said that I immediately jumped out of bed with a renewed sense of purpose? Sigh, I wish I could say that I did, instead I merely rolled over and thought to myself, take control, of what, my insanity? I stayed in bed for a few more hours I tried to meditate but I was too distracted, I tried reading, but again too distracted. How is it that I am once again in a position where I am without a job, very little savings, and I am starting to have my moments of panic, how am I going to pay this and that and poor me. I realize that I have been through this cycle before, panic, and then take the first job that is offered to me. However this time I have made the decision that instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to thank God and The Universe for the opportunity to work on my passion, to develop my own business, and to just live in the moment instead of being in a constant state of worry.
As I am writing this I can hear my daughter practicing her violin, she was required to play an instrument in middle school and the violin was her choice at the time she was not enthusiastic about it and gave it when she started high school. She is now in college and last year she decided to take it again, she realized how much she enjoyed it. She pays for her lessons and is renting a violin. Recently she was leaving her lesson and was asked if she would be interested in teaching beginning violin, she did not go in search of this opportunity, it came to her, I believe because she is passionate about the instrument and the music. My daughter said YES to an opportunity, while most of us would respond with an, I'll have to think about it, or a NO, I'm not good enough, she simply said yes, no second thoughts, no sense of fear, she simply said YES to an opportunity. In addition to her regular lessons, she is also taking lessons on how to teach beginners violin and she will be a substitute for her instructor.
I love that she has no fear, I instilled that in her, however, I have yet to take advantage of my own advice. These cycles or lessons keep coming around for a reason I now know that I need to trust, surrender, and be aware of opportunities that come my way. So, to that voice in my head, I say YES to taking control of my life, no more doubt, second guessing, or worry, and no more staying in my bed feeling sorry for myself.