DAY 53 Movement through understandings of the universe and my relation to it.

Wow, through work in the Master Key system, there has been this incredible enlightening happening within me releasing my inner questions of the outer world.

As Carl Sagan said, "If you want to bake an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe". Through discussions....I am recalling moments when I was a child. I would go outside....late at night....and lay in the grass while staring at the stars. II don't really know what I thought about...my current thoughts most likely pollute what I considered then. I do remember trying to visualize "nothingness". Much to the aggravation of my father, I continued to ask questions about space, heaven, the heavens, god, the sky, the vastness of the cosmos...of course at that age, I had no understanding that my young, innocent and insatiable thirst about the insignificance of my existence....was a simple mirror of the same curiosity that others repress primarily due to fear.

I guess I am coming to understand that I see the world....the universe....the cosmos....in different but similar means that the majority of the population of the earth. It's funny, I spent a great deal of energy TRYING to be different and unique in dramatic ways through my human experience....and in this very subtle difference, I find the most dramatic deviation of all.

What is this deviation? The willingness to stare into the void. Not only stare into it....to have a dialog with it....to ask it questions....to gain an understanding of it. The willingness to talk to the unknown....to ponder the unknown. I have come to grasp this idea that eventhough we have this tremendous gift - the capacity to contemplate our own existence....our own non-existence....our own essence....few of us do.

When I asked around, I got countless answers on the topic of why people DID NOT question such things. One was the idea of a grand design which was infallible....meaning that all we needed to do was live our lives never questioning....as even the simple act of questioning would upset the subtle balance of things. This one I never really understood....because if there was a grand and infallible master plan....it has to have planned to accommodate the occasional question....otherwise from the first scientific reasoning....we would have been destroyed as a an unsuitable species.

One of the other answers I got was that "we" are too busy leading our lives....doing things...that if we started to contemplate these grand notions....our life would become hampered or bogged down in the exploration of meaningless rhetoric. That without blind acceptance of the understandings of science, math, religion....I would become a crippled mass of flesh and my mind locked in some sort of state unable to perform functions like brushing my teeth. You may think I exaggerate,,,,but that was an actual retort I received on the topic.

Specifically math. I hated math as an early youth....lots of repetition....lot's of boredom. I remember an argument with a teacher when I was learning to multiply large numbers. You remember.....like say 4357 X 2687....and the teacher had an exceptional way of simplifying it....showing us how simple it all was....it was the first time I enjoyed math. But it went on like that over and over and over.....we must have spent what seemed like weeks on the topic. So wise-ass 7 or 8 year old me decides to do this test at some point where I just wrote a bunch of nonsense answers to the questions. I literally didn't see the point in spending the energy on it any more. So I got a zero....then the argument ensued....if I know how to do it....why on earth do I need to repeat it for weeks on end. Well that seems to have set down a gauntlet to my teacher....because I ultimately ended up in remedial school thanks to my holding onto my lofty principals.

After a year in the remedial learning program, I guess I figured out how to keep my head down & eyes forward in order to stay under the radar. Because....wow if I thought learning math in 'regular' school was boring....I certainly learned a new definition of the term b---o----r----i----n----g---------that warped time into an expanding nature that I swear ran backwards when I was in remedial.

So fast forward to Algebra in a high school specializing in classical education....I start thinking....wow....all of this learning...all of this freedom....no more need to continue with the "head down - eyes forward" modus operandi. Wow...I was rather wrong....I grasp the basic concepts of algebra....and begin processing the answers in my head. It turns out....that the answers were not the important part of the lesson....hmmm? No....understanding how you got to the answers was the important part. And wouldn't you know....I had very little understanding on how to get the answer....I learned the process....used the process in my head and delivered the answer.....again I got tired of doing the problems over and over and over again....I even demonstrated for the teacher that my method was not cheating as she suspected....she called me to the board and gave me problems at random in front of the class....and simply by understanding what I was looking at....I was able to deliver my answers without showing my work....as was required.

Surely....that experience demonstrated to her that it was not necessary to show work? Ahhhhh.....repeating algebra in the extended learner version....said otherwise.

Hearing and getting those types of responses from people I ignored the thoughts. I eliminated theories from my realm of questioning....and with them my dialog with the unknown.

I am really enjoying reconnecting with my theories and thoughts and practices....that I abandoned due to the perspectives of others. And well....here it is....unearthed....wow this is a hugely powerful challenge and process....it never stops amazing me and opening my eyes to the beauty of....me....of this place....of this time....of the known....of the unknown.....of wonder and amazement.....beauty all around.....

So much so that it makes me want to shake people until they see it too!!!!!!!! hahahaha!!!!!!!!!

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Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 9, 2010 at 8:03pm: Hey Thanks for the additional perspectives on things. It's interesting to shed some stuff & incorporate other & simply continue to move forward.

I most certainly did use special as a term of endearment! Great point Jilly. So true. Speaking of radio....I absolutely love Coast to Coast. When I was a little kid, I'd hide under the covers with my a.m. radio & flashlight and listen to Art Bell & guests. The reason I mention this....is that was one of the few places one could learn about the metaphysical / paranormal outside of the realm of "entertainment" (although Art Bell was / is extremely entertaining). And now look at this - daytime's most popular / influential show. Absolutely amazing! There is an incredible awareness rising. Guess it truly is time for me to release these childhood understandings and move forward.

Agreed on the my radiance & other's fears....somewhere I knew that....and clearly needed to hear it!

Ahhhh....where to go from here. I walked into the other room a few moments after rereading this entire blog. I stood there....wondering what this place that I have lived in for the last year and a half is?....it was as if standing in a swirling pool of deja vu....but I have seen the place for - like I said - a year and a half....it just struck me & I suppose I could have been staring across the surface of the moon for all I understood in those moments.

Yeah Jilly....pretty funny....I'm speachless....here's a few pages of text....lol.

And....ummmm...."hey - Universe! I came here looking for a Ferrari & big fat handfulls of cash! I mean this is all great and I love it....and look forward to more and more....and you know a what? I see a Ferrari & tons of moolah....making the experience even more enjoyable!!!!! :wink:"

Comment by Jill on February 9, 2010 at 3:13pm: Ditto ...what Carla said. Thanks Carla

Comment by Jill on February 9, 2010 at 2:40pm: WE are a reflection of you. THANK YOU for making this place SPECIAL!...J
P.S. You just used the word SPECIAL in an endearing way when you said we were special. (I hope)
Your not a freak...lol...You are Special to us, just as we are to you.
Last night I stayed up late and listened to all three parts of the mp3's on Oprahs interview with Esther Hicks. Conclusion why Esther is not on the TV show and Oprah chose to interview on the Radio broadcast instead is because they both deducted that Abraham would not be accepted by the TV audience and that Esther would be called a freak. Heck, she is not a freak...she is also special and Oprah see's that. But its all about ratings huh. Clear Channel governs what Oprah does. I think this is why she is leaving and going to her own network.
I dont think you are speachless...my good friend Paul...I think we will hear lots more from you.

Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 9, 2010 at 1:07pm: Fascinating....simply fascinating....

I am a little speechless.

Jilly....I don't get it....I mean I do and I don't....like I just sort of thought....well Paul the challenge is going to be great....your a freak....you;'ll always be a freak....from what I understand a lone freak....and maybe the challenge will help you cope.... And with your information....and now this.....

Candi, I though I 'knew' you if you follow my meaning. There is much about you that feels so familiar. Your words resonate with me quite often. So much so, that I need to sort of prompt myself to respond here. I love your take on "untangling". It certainly is interesting to the people around us who have become as complacent as we have with our resting our determined will, resolve and strong personality just below the surface.

I am still trying to absorb information about many things - and here is an actual living breathing human who has some firsthand understanding. I knew I was different....even in discussing stories of school with others....there was an understanding....but only to a point. I would share stories & I might get - "well did you learn anything in the slow class?". The only answer I understood to give was - "yeah to keep my mouth shut". That continued to ring true until roughly 4 years ago....when life as I knew it....you know that quiet predictable construct of self manipulated systems...that begins moving along, just like the well oiled machine you've designed it to be in order to cope with external life. Yes it begins to move, to gather mass....bringing in "normal" friendships...."normal" interactions with others..."normal" behaviors...."normal" job...."normal" hobbies......continuing to gather more and more mass.....suddenly.....everything is "normal"....so perfectly acutely.....predictably....mind numbingly....."normal".

Mind numbingly....that's the key right there. That's what this internal personality mechanism was designed by myself to do. To construct a layer of personality between the real me and the outer world. That way my inner life could continue to be rich and exciting.....while that constructed layer could interact with others about "normal" topics. Funny....in retrospect, I used to think that the inner world was a construct....it's clear now that my desire to connect dictated the need for this layer of personality to interact with the outside world.

Interesting that it would become somewhat cumbersome at times....but generally was quite simple and manageable. In fact I still use it to some degree now and then. I am generally more present and open. I suspect that as my life evolves....that layer will dissolve even further. I use it now in as an element to draw upon when dealing mainly with external bureaucratic systems. I guess it follows suit that that layer was constructed as a sort of "bureaucratic system" of it's own....so it's a little like a fish to water there.

I don't know....it's pretty wild thinking about all of this. I've been diagnosed with a few things. I could never get over the idea that - I built this stuff in my brain to deal with stuff in the outer world....for the most part it is the result of learned behavior....it is an extension of my own personality....I am consciously aware when I flip flop between the "layer" and it's rich interior. Is that really a disorder? I don't believe so. And guess what, if I would have kept it under wraps....nobody would even know. Because the brain is an exponential learner constantly testing everything, including human interactions....

Anyway....off track again....so four years ago....all of the lovely systems and constructs began to crumble away. I found myself thrust into a position of responsibility for the care of two older adults. The last two in my immediate family. The system or layer....could not learn fast enough. All the doctors, all the information, I needed to allow the inner part of my being to come out and take over. I knew that I risked, my relationship....some other friendships....but I had to allow it access to all of the goings on....to all of the interactions....it is an exceptionally fast learner. It asks great questions (sometimes with clumsy tact)....absorbs information....presses people and their reasonings and their patience to the edge. When the people break, I try to build them back up....but if they do not posses the stamina to carry on, I can simply seem heartless and move on to another person with greater stamina to be on my team.

Well that's what happened....I pressed myself and the doctors, and the medical staff, hard. I needed answers and could not understand much of the information under conventional means. I needed people to explain stuff to me....people to tell me why certain things were happening. I never felt mean while pressing....but when accused of being mean, it opened up childhood wounds of sitting in the remedial class. And I would feel threatened that I would be deemed unfit to caretake for these people...so the other layer would step in.

The truth is...the inner self of who I am is threatening to others. Some people said to me "I have no idea who you are". I suppose that's fair. Where did the backbone come from...why did the apathy dissolve....through that I allowed testing to be performed in order to determine what was "wrong" with me. It turns out....I was depressed. "Not ______________ or ____________?" I was asked....."No". They were unsatisfied....so I submitted to more testing and added a biological component this time. Turns out.....I was - still - depressed. "Not (this similar yet different disorder to what I mentioned before)?"...."No". One more barrage of tests was all I was going to allow - it was ridiculous....I was simply trying to sooth someone else's anxieties anyway. Turns out.....I was....anyone care to guess.....depressed. Once we started getting into the realm of my being a highly intelligent person & my brain adapting to the testing in order to preserve it's "disorder"....is about when I felt I was on the verge of stumbling through someone else's (Alice in Wonderland) "looking glass" myself.

From then forward....I guess it's clear that I have assembled a few champions in my life to allow the expression of my true power. People who can help uncover my innate attributes. As well as those who may not completely understand my eccentricities....yet can see them for precisely what they are....eccentric personality traits that sometimes border on the bizarre. I have accepted that I have many unusual perspectives, and can manipulate my mind to do some amazing things....and that my mind simply runs out multiple "routines" or "programs" simultaneously and continuously both consciously and not. While I still desired that 'connection'....I pretty much gave up on the idea of being able to relate to another person in any similar way - to the way I relate with myself & to the world.

The group of yours sounds great! I would however pose to that group....that it is necessary to develop our own assertions on the manner in which society conducts it's important areas. I completely understand the concept of questioning....believe me....lol.....yet being an antagonist without ever stating alternatives is not complete thinking....that's my opinion anyway....

Still want me? Where do I sign up?

This challenge is becoming both a culmination, and a springboard into other realms of thought. Thank you everyone of you who make this place so special every day!

Comment by Jill on February 8, 2010 at 7:50pm: Interesting how a seed like Carla sprung up from this interesting read?

Comment by Jill on February 7, 2010 at 6:55pm: A very interesting READ.
I too, have had that feeling of the grab. Grab their face in my two hands and pull them closely and say, do you get it now...lol

Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 7, 2010 at 5:36pm: Hi Carla, very thought provoking question. I do believe that subconsciously - yes I did seek to prove myself right. I can see looking back how that has molded discussions & frustrations with others on this topic. Interesting....because when I first consider your question, I think - it made me want to go to "sleep". It made me want to be more "normal". It made me want to seek out and blend like a chameleon into the fiber of social structures....I began to think that if I could blend into this friendship....or that romance....or this business structure.....all those nagging thoughts would go away. I began to feel need for human acceptance and validity. But not validity from the mainstream culture....validity from the culture that stands on the edge of culture....rarely producing anything meaningful....yet constantly critiquing those who do.

That was the only place where I believed people would not make fun of me / ostracize me. I was comfortable there....and found that the mind is capable of great parlor tricks....able to dazzle some people with a single reference...or metaphor. It was a somewhat comfortable place. Critiquing everything...meant that everything was meaningless....and being meaningless....I had very low expectations on my self....and if others challenged me...a little vague wry wit or sarcasm here and there spoke volumes...to the recipient, as they read some deep personalized meaning into a rather generalized notion I might regurgitate.

Reading that....I suppose it did make me more determined. It looks as though I created a series of complex "programs" or "systems" in order to manage my blending into social structures...just well enough....as to be remembered....but not well enough to be punished for my eccentricities. In other words I desired to be able to exist with my "weird" ideas & slip through the social fabric unnoticed...dropping little acorns of thought about my beliefs to anyone interested along the way.

Does that answer your question...or have I gone off track?

Amazing what happened here. Thank you for the question. I just realized that I stopped referring to myself in the self deprecating term of "passive aggressive" and look at my behavior objectively for what it was.

Hi Candi, thanks for the remarks. This whole thing is simply blowing me away. 50 days....a week with the master key....and you are so spot on - turning inward....restructuring thoughts...affirming beliefs....uncovering a confidence so unflappable....I couldn't even imagine it even at my highest point of "feeling great" prior to joining the challenge. This truly is a remarkable journey. I just finished reading your blog. Candi....what a remarkable resolve you have developed! Remarkable....I am speechless...

Hi createfate. Thanks for your comments. Interesting that we are all on that treadmill. Like we are all going to understand universal truths whether we accept them or refuse them....they will become clear no matter what they are I think that's our function....to question....to challenge. I guess I'm no longer embaresed about it....lol.