I believe that everyone on CCOR is here because we all feel there's a higher calling for us, because we believe we have something more to receive from and something more to offer to this world. So yesterday while resting, I've been pondering the higher calling of my life. I didn't get any answer. I felt nothing.
I'm normally a very emotional and passionate person. That's the way how I lived in the past. While getting more peaceful and calm these days, I'm not very used to this new calm me. I'm more used to feeling that thrilling joy and heart stabbing pain. So I meditated for a long time yesterday.
It resulted in three dreams last night, all about my ex and all very vivid and real. My subconscious clearly told me in my dream that what is good for me, what I fear, and what is going to happen in the future. I agree with my subconscious full-heartedly, though it still feels very sad to accept it, as it means I should give up trying to fix my past three years and start to live now and work to a future.
I'm not ready, I told my intuition. I know you are right. I'm not ready. Just give me a little bit more time and I'll accept it. The same as when f had that unexpected big talk with me.
Then I suddenly realised maybe I'll never be "ready". Maybe I just need to face it and accept it and then deal with it.
I'm not ready to quit smoking. I'm not ready to let it go. I'm not ready to look for a new job. I'm not ready to travel around the world. I'm not ready to start over again. I'm not ready to live on my own.
I'll never be ready. How can we be ever ready for everything that life brings us?
So eventually, I put up my first post in my new blog which I've been thinking about writing for a long time but always thought I'm not emotionally ready to write yet. It's a blog that I intend to write about things I love in life, but I wasn't actually be able to write very lovingly and positively. Anyhow, it felt good to start writing again. Writing has always been a passion and a career I wanted to pursue in my life. At least I'm doing something towards it.
Things I'm grateful about today: waking up with three dreams, a friend discussing my dreams with me, nice coffee and muffin, a good afternoon nap, dinner, being able to write fairly light-heartedly.
Tomorrow is a new week. I feel fine with it. It will be a routine week. Go to work, eat, exercises, but I'm curious to know what new thoughts and feelings this week is going to bring to me.