The 100 Day Reality Challenge

Day 58 Season 1 Deserving, Value, Self Worth, Self Love.

It's been quite a challenging day today. And I need to reach out to the community. I spent some time chatting with a pal about some dissatisfaction I'm experiencing. The interesting I am not really sure what a "life of deserving" looks like.

Well let me back up. I took a look at Christine's "Life is Like a Cup of Coffee" video. It took me a little time but man Opened up some stuff abut my deserving. Like, for the most part, I am looking at things from a practical standpoint. I thought I had moved through this....and it turns out that I a degree. There are still arguments sitting dormant waiting under the surface to argue with the positive thought patterns I am feeding myself. These.....need to go!

So, yeah....I woke up....both figuratively and literally. I looked around the place....wondered what the story I manifested this life. It's been somewhat uncomfortable at times...but I quiet those thoughts. I have a groovy car & I am somewhat uncomfortable parking it on the street. But's what I manifested. Today I walked out to find it keyed. I ran some errands....saved the parking space I shoveled return to a snow covered parking space the result of the car behind me blasting through the snowbank in front of it. So, a new place is on the agenda. I am alone much of the time. That's generally okay. I enjoy reading, learning, but would still like to bring companionship.....romantic interests into my life. So, romance....more friendships also on the agenda.

And the job....while relationships have become more amiable....I still deserve to give myself something more fulfilling in that realm. And physical health. I have made great strides in mental / emotional health. Also in physical health. It has been nearly one year since I quit smoking! That is awesome! I have also been asymptomatic when it comes to anxiety for roughly the same period....interesting well as stuff that is great for me! In the meantime, I have gained weight. It stated with anti-depressants....then with not smoking. So I have had a habit of looking to food to sooth me on occasion. Recently, since the challenge I have lost inches from my extremities. I look forward to loosing more and continuing on a "diet". I say diet, but it's really just a decreased calorie intake due to reducing the amount of food I eat. I'm not starving myself....nor am I lacking in anything....I'm just eating a more appropriate caloric quantity.

So....lets move ahead...September. I'm off to Italy....I deserve to be in peak physical condition when go to watch the race. I want to spend time walking about the countryside. Carrying the extra weight....will make it less enjoyable. It will detract from the will take me back inside myself....into that feeling of self-consciousness....and I do not want to feel any of that any longer. There is no room for that in my life any longer.

I guess that's the theme to all of this. I have outgrown my apartment, my living environment, my job, my weight. And feel the desire to move into a comfortable space, that meets my needs for quiet, space and security. I feel the desire to release this weight and attract optimum physical health. I feel the desire to release this job and draw fulfilling work that I feel passionate about.

So I feel these needs....these desires....I am facing some challenges making the leap from "I desire" to "I deserve". Make sense? Any ideas? I'm a little lost in this area. The pieces and parts seem rather clear....but this as a a little confusing.

I suppose I should start by saying:

I deserve financial freedom.

I deserve a calm comfortable studio / living space.

I deserve Optimal physical health.

I deserve meaningful relationships and romance.

Any other suggestions will be greatly appreciated! Thank you!!!

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Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 13, 2010 at 11:11pm
Hi all....I just want to say grateful I am for all of your responses....some great stuff happened today as I came into alignment with this. Wow....this is far more powerful that I ever imagined. Jaw dropping amazing stuff that I will get into, perhaps in a separate blog post.

Hi Lee....

First off, a couple interesting things happened here. Well....actually - first off....I didn't intend to lead you or anyone into the idea that I was closing the discussion here. I meant that I was going to sort of "walk away and clear my head" in order to come back and look at this another way. Do you know when you stare at a puzzle....and you begin to "feel" the solution to the puzzle is right there in front of, emotions start ramping up....and you can almost sense the it's almost in your grasp? That point is one that tells me that I need to move away from the puzzle. That point says to me...."staring at this damn thing is not going to give me the solution....I need to go do something else....braid an iguana's hair (going with your tropical theme).....anything else....I can't "force" an answer by trying harder....I need to take my (conscious - Master Key) mind off of it and "allow" the solution to unfold. That's what I needed to do. And I gained MUCH CLARITY! In fact I hope people who identify with what I wrote continue to add to this.

It is fascinating Lee. Today....something clicked. Well alright....let me back up Your original post. Where you identified with what I was saying....something there it's either one or the other....either I can continue deluding myself about the idea that my life is grand....or I can make some drastic changes and believe that those changes will make life grand. That spoke to me. Because I all I have been doing is looking at things and just putting like a filter in front of my eyes to make things look better. A filter on my emotions to make myself feel better. I now need to DO something. Does that make sense? That's what I read. Then you presented the other side of the 'either or' scenario. To make some major changes in your life as you are feeling inclined. And wow - when I read that....I said....hey there's THE alternative. That's the way to go....major changes alright!

Then....I read some other responses here. Those responses confused me. And in some cases frustrated me. I started thinking...."wow....I just need to make some major changes in my life....that's the component I've been is it that these people can't see that?" So I stared at it a moment longer and said...."That has got to be the answer....but I still feel like I'm missing something....". Then...I walked away from the discussion. But with that....there was still something nagging at me. I looked at the responses again. Now I know that these people are here in this discussion free from EGO....they are providing me with genuine....loving....thoughtful insight. This is all from the heart...everyone is leading me somewhere by just being who they are. Everyone here wants to see me master this "puzzle". Then something else....there's no way EVERYONE is misinterpreting what I am saying....I have tried phrasing things differently....using other terminology....and dammit - if I don't keep getting the same answer. At that point I needed to state that I was "clearing my head". Amazingly....just a few hours head was clear.

I think I see where you're at Lee....because I, like you, had to really thrash this out in my head. I had this thought that there was one way for me to figure this out....and it was to just argue it out. To get all of my arguments out of my look at them a little more objectively....and see if that didn't help in drawing some people who could help to uncover the 'knowing' within myself. If the same holds true for you & you want to argue this out for yourself....I'm happy to do so. You see the path....I can tell in your posts here.

So....let's move ahead a little....and I'll ask you this....does it make sense when I say 'thinking about deserving....or....thinking about the place you want to be....compared to where you like adding an unnecessary component into living in the loa'?
Comment by Jill on February 13, 2010 at 9:13pm
Lee Ann, I hear you loud and clear. Per your statement "I was directing most of it to PauL", I also read that you were late to the conversation in your first reply. I didnt realize that the conversation was just between you and Paul. So that being said I deleted my replies as not to interfer with this private conversation.
Have a good day. J
Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 13, 2010 at 12:44am
Wanted to chyme back in and say thanks again to all who have taken time from your day to review and respond to the post.

I think what's happening is I am looking at snow and calling it "cold rain"....and see everyone else looking at "cold rain" and calling it snow.

I am most definitely making progress by mediating on the responses here...and the thoughts that enter through this.

I think the best thing for the situation is to simply 'put it down' and to allow the answers to fully unfold. I certainly do believe with the information you've all placed will spur some deeper learning.

I suppose there is a part of me that is looking at the LOA and wanting to test stretch and analyze....some of it does not make sense....I'm sure it will.

I also think perhaps I need to limit myself to one or two teachers in this process. The whole chair to save my parking space me wondering....about locking my truck....I mean I do those things completely automatically....without any 2nd thought. Like the chair in the space is as natural to me as inserting and twisting the key in the deadbolt before I leave in the morning. Subconscious....automatic.

It will all reveal itself....I most definitely see the language in use here....specifically in your example Jilly.

Thanks again all.....back to other things here on the site, while put some of your words into action & this incubates!
Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 12, 2010 at 8:51am
Hi Morgan & Brandi.

I really appreciate you taking the time ro read and respond to my post.

I'm either resisting....or being extremely unclear.

Perhaps it's a matter of personal experience. Before the challenge and then later around day 30ish I had some issues with my job. I stated those issues....looked at them for what they were and then released them. My job has since become very amiable. The workload and the relationships at work are so much more enjoyable. I thought that is what I I asked for it....and I got it.

I believe I have touched the limit of the job. While it brings me more joy & more enjoyable interactions & things just simply run much smoother....the fulfillment I desire from it is not there. So is saying to myself...."Paul....I believe this is as good as it is going to get....looking to derive fulfillment in this has run it's course and this is the peak return that it has to offer you. It's time to take a look at what you deserve out of a job - out of life."

I have always gone for the "practical" things in life. I rarely treated myself to anything beyond the small stuff. I started this past year with a car & a few other things including the trip to Italy. What doing those things has done has started a processes of looking around....becoming more aware.

And YESTERDAY as I becmae aware on yet another level.....I looked at my place. It's's's serves it's purpose. It serves it's purpose if all I want is to simply "exist". Does that make sense? It is not too large, not too small....has all of the items I require for daily life....and that is that. As far as branching out into other areas of doing more artwork....doing recordings in a small studio environment....doing writing while undisturbed....enjoying more spacious will never give me those things. I have gone through various arrangements of furnature...of items etc. Including a very recent Feng Shui rearangement. be clear....the place feels great! I feel the energy moving through here, and there have been many things emerge from my changing the layout of the place. It even spurred the removal of about 8 large garbage bags of "stuff" that I had no use for any longer. But there are limitations here.

Is simply recognizing that there are limitations to a job - to a living that not being grateful? Is that living in the space of pointing out the negative about things? I never thought it was....and now....I honestly don't know.

I mean as far as the car goes....I've always parked it in the same general area. I feel like I've stopped focussing on it. Last year in the summer....when I was focusing on it....the kids kept leaning their bikes against it, running into it....I would wax it one day to come out and find fingerprints all over it the next....and found a large dent in the hood one morning. Once I released all stopped. I didn't even have a thought in my mind about the car yesterday or the days previous....about anything happening to it etc....I should have been much clearer and started all of this about the parking situation.

I guess the piece that I am missing is that I am extremely grateful for the wonderful things in my life....and I want more. And from childhood....I never felt like I deserved more. And I am really not sure how to cultivate a lifestyle from a heart of deserving. Whenever I felt like I 'deserved' something it was denied me. and so I moved to an extreme and drew abundance into my life. I also sabotaged that abundance...because I never felt as though I deserved to be so comfortable, while others in this world were not. The bottom line is when I start feeling guilt over possessing or doing things with money that simply make ME feel feels so utterly inappropriate. Is that looking at this all backwards? Probably....I suppose in a reality I create there would be no poverty. Yet in being involved in certain aspects of it, it's difficult to ignore. Is there really anything that makes me more deserving of abundance that those folks?

This is a recurring quagmire. All I know is that if I do not move past this sticking point, I will not manifest any change in my life. And I suppose that's why I wonder if it's me simply feeling unhappy or ungrateful or just looking at the negatives....or if it's simply the idea that I do not feel deserving of attaining the level of comfort and freedom I desire. Maybe, if I stopped working with the poor....or moved into a neighborhood where there are none....or fewer....I am discovering through this process, that I have guilt over that too.

Anyway....I am extremely grateful for the amazing miracles of life that abound each day! And it is simply fascinating to be one of them. To see the beauty in the world, the majesty of life.

And Thanks again!
Comment by Morg on February 12, 2010 at 4:07am

I don't think it's your wanting that's the problem, but rather your emotions, your feelings. The Law of Attraction teaches that which is like unto itself is drawn. So you may desire and feel that you deserve optimal health, financial freedom, etc. and I agree that you deserve all of these things. However, if you're living in despair over the lack of not having these things than by law you can only attract things of that same vibration. In other words if you're feeling frustration you're going to attract things that cause you frustration, if you're feeling angry you're going to attract things that cause you anger. So on the other hand if you're feeling happiness and appreciation the law of attraction has no choice but to bring you that which will bring you more happiness and more to appreciate.

I suggest you start faking it until you make it. Here's what I mean. You seem to have a lot going for you; your about to vacation in Italy, you have a beautiful car, your volunteer work. Let's focus on these things and all the other positive aspects of your life that you can think of. Thing of how wonderful it is that you have these things, how wonderful it is that YOU manifested these things in your reality. Think about how these things make you happy. If these things don't make you happy, ecstatic, joyful, think about the things that do. Focus only on those things that make you ecstatic. Mention only those things that make you joyful. You cannot continue to bask in the sadness or frustration of that in which you do not have and expect the universe to yield to your desires. I realize that it doesn't seem logical to ask you to feel about that which you are frustrated or disappointed about, but it's the only way to shift the vibration you are emitting. And if you can't find any thing in your reality to bring you that feeling of happiness, imagine a reality for yourself that will make your feel joyful until actually begin to feel happy and hold on to that.

Best of luck manifesting all you desire and deserve.

Comment by brandy ryan on February 12, 2010 at 1:20am
hi paul :)
first, law of attraction IS all about wanting, whether wanting material things or wanting to just feel better. the point is not to be satisfied when you are not... who wants that? you can be satisified knowing that you have the creative capacity to change anything you wish. loa is all about focus, and what you give your attention to grows stronger. if you keep focusing on your crummy job, crummy, home, and excess weight, you are only going to increase or maintain their presence in your life. what you focus on, worry about, feel undeserving of, sticks to you like glue!!!

you felt uncomfomfortable about parking your great car downtown and look what happened - it got keyed! you create what you think about, and if you think about things that could go wrong, you create situations for that to occur. and why did you save your parking space? because you were certain that you wouldn't be able to find another one. so hence the snow blast. you're already doing it with your trip to Italy, saying the weight will make it less enjoyable and it will be a negative experience! if you focus only on the feeling of positive experience regardless, you may find yourself slimming down without much work. I think you are focusing on your wants too much from a perspective of lack and yearning rather than from knowing and empowerment. focus on your awesome car and your new friends to the exclusion of all else. focus on all the fab things in your imagination that you know are coming to you. don't live int his reality. become indifferent to your surroundings! and just feel as much positive and passionate emotion as you can while doing so. it's like a magnet. it attracts more and more and more and more and more. and more!

congrats on all your success thus far. you are very powerful! and very deserving! you are a brilliant powerful piece of that from which we all came. how could it be otherwise?
Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 12, 2010 at 1:07am
I hear you Steve about the increased irritation due to increased emotional buildup. Now, I've got that pretty much under control. I occasionally blow my stack....but not often...not even today. I accepted it all as what it was. A day....where stuff happened. After I discovered the car was keyed, I immediately moved to being grateful for the car. When I saw the snow filled back into my space....I stated my gratitude for being of able body to clear the snow from the space. I make the switch.

Now I feel like I am missing something here in this discussion. It's not so much that I dislike where I am in it is that I desire change. Now that I desire change....I need to somehow make the leap from desire to deserve. You know that bit in the Secret....I can't remember which person it was....but he said something like - he knows people who are spiritually bankrupt and financially wealthy....and people who are spiritually wealthy and financially broke or just seem to "get by".....he then goes on to say that neither is living in abundance! And I can relate to that. So again....I need to convince myself that I do not desire....but that I deserve.

Jilly I love your story. That's great stuff & funny. I've seen those 'family' signs here and ther and it is a great thing to see intermingled with the businesses. Cool that in these later years they've gone to the "Adopted by" signs. It's kind of neat. I hear you about not feeling special. Everything I do (unless it involves me being present that is) I do anonymously. My service work is the last thing I discuss with anyone because it is something that I do not wish to be judged by. I don't even discuss it with friends. I guess I've had my share of razzing over well as my share of it defining my entire character....and my share of people trying to psychoanalyze me over it based on the "type" of service I do....and psychoanalyze me for doing service work at all....that I just do it....for what it is.....and forget about it....moving on to the next order of business in life. to sleep on it....thanks for sharing....hope I'm not missing too much here....I thought I was on to something....but I gleaning from the responses that I simply need to be more grateful for what I have and increase my level of service to the community in order to manifest the changes I desire in my life?

Eh....I'm maybe a little too brain hurts....I'm off to slumberland....again....many thanks!
Comment by Jill on February 12, 2010 at 12:13am
Oh that door just opened so I will walk thru. You said "be of service". I will share my story of "be of service". For a period of time...I was not being used in service. The law allowed me to notice this. I dismissed it only after putting a tiny (and I mean tiny) bit on my vision board about it. It was soon forgotten as there were many more important things on that board of mine I was more interested in at the time. Not soon after that hubby and I were pulling onto the highway and noticed how the highway was littered with trash and we vented our frustration to the point that we thought about picking up the trash ourselves. We live in the county and I called the City to ask about the trash problem on our end of the highway. I was told that I had to call the DOT (Dept of Transportation). So I did. Before I knew it I was roped into "Adopting our stretch of Highway". Ok so this ment I had to go out there once a year and pick up a little, and this adoption process made me legal to do so. Did this make me feel special...NOT !
Anyway to my surprise not before long there was a sign posted at either end of that seciton of highway. It read "This Highway has been Adopted by Jilly and John (and our last name). Husband saw the sign for the first time and almost had an accident. He circled around twice to see it. We had no idea that this would become such a big deal. So now I pick up TRASH ! Boy drivers are pigs is what goes thru my head every time I'm out there.
Funny story attached: A friend of my husbands (someone who had not seen my hubby in a while, they worked together at the same company several years ago) happened to see the sign. It caught his eye and he wasnt able to see the entire sign and thought the worst. This old friend called our house and was so releaved to hear my voice and hear that John was at the store and couldnt take the call. This old friend thought the sign said "IN MEMORY OF JILLY AND JOHN"...LOL...nope I said, we are still here, picking up trash.Whew!
Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 11, 2010 at 11:43pm
Damn - you know what - this is basically what I've been doing since before I knew anything of the challenge.....just trying to make daily life more bearable....more enjoyable....BUT....within a reality of "well....just work harder....just think happy of service....etc etc".

And of course I dont mind Jilly.

Thanks so much Lee for sharing your experience!
Comment by Paul Carpenter on February 11, 2010 at 11:26pm walk off to contemplate existence, shave and shower & a discussion springs up!

Great to hear what you have to say Lee. It is very clear. I mean it resonates with here.

I believe I can have anything I want, making big changes like home, job and career, always seem so much bigger to tackle than saying "today I'm going to appreciate what I have".

that is very very clear. I mean, I have only heard over and over that I must first apreciate me for where I am right at this moment....and anything beyond is "wanting"....and "wanting" is not part of LOA. Wow! Each time I look around while I am in a 'sticking point' - I usually atract the answer "do you love where you are?"....."are you enjoying the headspace where you are?"...."the law isn't working because you are unhappy with your present situation".

WOW.....I guess if I really let your words sink in Lee.....I'm just doing the easy stuff & saying to the universe....well I just want to be happier in the situation where I'm at RIGHT NOW! Because I've manifested a somewhat disharmoniuos environment / job....I am asking the universe to make it more harmonious....and it is....really what I need to be asking for is a whole other deal! what?! hahahaha!

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