Things went to plan today :-))
Got up early and set the intention "to steady the ship".
I just felt like there was so much out of my control that I was sinking but as I had hoped being back at class sorted my head out quick smart.
To be honest despite my best intentions I was pretty flat when I headed off this morning. I got to the dojang early so I could give it a good clean before the students arrived.
I made the decision I was going to train this morning even though my physio hadn't give me the all clear, my head needed it!!
Felt great to kick and got a great sweat up.
I had a chat to Wendy after class and even chatting with her I couldn't put my finger on why I have been feeling flat.
Dragged myself to the gym and while I got the session done I didn't have my usual spark.
It was when I was walking down the stairs after my workout that it dawned on my that what I was feeling was not frustration but anger. I don't know why but the realisation that I was angry but had been trying to avoid it freed me up a bit.
I let my mind wander and thought about what it was I was angry at and it turns out a few things!! The act of saying (in my mind) all the things I was angry about in list form really helped.
It kinda made me go "ahhh I get it". I thought that was that.
Then I headed back to my office and opened my emails and saw my revised book edit sitting there waiting for me to reread it and send it back to the editor.
That's when it hit me!!
I know why I'm angry!
Having to read and re-read and read again all of the shit from my childhood is why I am angry!!
All of the other stuff has just been friction, the root of it has been reliving that stuff over and over again every few days.
The anger is not misplaced, it is a natural thing given the circumstances and no wonder I cracked it at Chris over something that related back to my childhood - I had read the book again that same day only hours before!!
The great part about my book is that I know that once I struggle through the first bit I LOVE everything that follows and it inspires me when I read it. Today I actually found myself looking forward to getting to the "good stuff" and that is when it dawned on me what was going on.
Since then I've been at it like crazy, got a heap of stuff done and while I am still feeling a little fragile emotionally I am pretty sure the worst has past and already I'm feeling less "stuck".
I'm looking forward to class tonight, probably won't train - don't want to push my luck but am looking forward to being around the energy of my students.
Feeling like the breakthrough is well on it's way thank gawd!!