So for some reason I've felt a bit as if I haven't accomplished too much in my one hundred day challenge. Yes I'm aware that I have had many up, downs, and bumps along the road so far. That I'm not too worried about- but Although I've achieved one goal I really wish I could achieve more. I'm aware that yes I do have 30 days left to meet these goals- But for some reason lately I've felt as though more then just me has been getting in my own way.
This is true but not true. And that concept just hit me moments ago. I went back and was reading my post from my first day (honestly I recommend everyone do this since you can really see how far or not so far you've come since then) So let me set up what's been going on that lead me to this jewel of knowledge I'm now cryptically speaking about...
Lately I've found myself surrounded by negative energy- both directly and indirectly. Now knowing the law of attraction as we do one can say it's not far off that in some way I'm allowing this to be what I'm manifesting and seeing in the world. But I can't (that is until now) figure out why I was "acting" the way I was. I would have moments of frustration where I would be angry/mad/frustrated/negative about things that shouldn't have mattered or just super self conscious of things that I would then turn around and beat myself up about. So then I started thinking of my challenge and I was a bit down and out about it thinking I really wasn't getting anywhere that I wanted to be at but yet here I am 70 days in. Then I decided to re-read my first entry and one part stood out to me:
"I don't know where all this negative energy comes from within me. When
it comes to others I'm very encouraging, supportive and totally the
cheerleader. But with myself I don't allow myself that same courtesy- if
that's even the right way to describe it."
When I read this more then a light bulb came on- it was more like an entire house full of lights came on. Negativity to me (or at least to my older self) was a comfort blanket. A fall back. Something completely familiar. It's totally second nature for me to disregard anything I want with negativity just because I think I can't have it. Whatever "it" may be.
In our culture now we think that we have to work for everything now. But that word "work" had taken on it's own negative concept. That work means this insane amount of effort that in some ways ends up being something distasteful and nasty. Job is a neutral word. People always complain about work in my experience but they aren't always complaining about work. At least that's what I've noticed.
I think I complain about and I'm negative about anything that I think is "work" or "hard." I think I'm starting to think that about my challenge. That it's hard when in reality it's not. I'm making it hard. And worst of all I'm believing what I'm saying. The negative things that is. When you're negative it's easy to prove. you can point to examples and tell yourself that's why life sucks. And it's hard to change that focus in your mind.
Your ego wants to prove you right. No matter if that "you" is right, wrong or indifferent. Lately I've been reading Eckhart Tolle and for a while there it felt as though I was always (or at least close to always) in the moment just enjoying life. Growing from what was around me. But lately it's like my ego woke up, looked around and called a time out.
It wasn't until tonight that I actually figured out that I might want to get back into the game. I take my inner negativity way too personally. I internalize it far easier then if someone came up to me and told me something about myself that I knew I liked. That little voice inside my head can be my best friend and my worst enemy. I need to realize that voice is not me but something that comes along and is there to narrate my journey not write the story.
Well I am off to start some laundry and maybe even finish a book. Hope all of you are manifesting your dreams!