I should probably start this by admitting how scared I am to write this down and publish it for the world to possibly see. I should probably start this by telling you my story in a nutshell. I should probably start this by telling you the motivation behind this blog. Why do I feel so compelled to tell this horrific story? There are so many facets to my life that I honestly don’t even know where to begin. I’ve spent most of my life in deep denial. My mind somehow knew how it could destroy me and as a pledge of protection, till this day, I still cannot recall all of my abuse. Only snippets of memories plague my mind. Now I have nightmares that seem to be bringing this fact of my life back to the surface. The fact is that I was sexually abused for many years, possibly my whole childhood by multiple “family members” – caregivers, people whom I entrusted with my life and wellbeing.
The main thing that has sprung this truth to the forefront of my awareness and consequentially leads me to this journey of healing is the fact that my abusers, in result of my blocked memories, had the unfortunate opportunity of striking again and doing the same horrible deeds to my child. The one thing that I vowed to myself before she was born that I would never let happen to her, happened. It happened right under my nose. As I’ve delved down into the most treacherous levels of guilt and shame surrounding this I’m starting to realize that it is not the way to handle it. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I had no way of knowing this would happen. I was a victim too, unaware of how deep my abuse went. Unaware of how close it was to home.
Now I watch as my little girl goes through the after effects of sexual abuse. I also notice that I am experiencing intense triggering and shame. My whole life was turned inside out and upside down and through it all I am still somehow connected to my will to survive. No matter how weak it is some days - it is there. Edging me forward into my healing. Seeking to find answers. To uncover truths that have evaded me my whole life. I can only stand in awe of my will to survive.
During a routine night of crying, holding my baby girl in my arms, I promised her that we would get through this. Using my passion for writing, I want to write my way to healing and along the way give my daughter an example of taking my power and voice back, the power and voice that my abuse stole from me. Through this blog I hope to keep my promise to my little angel simultaneously giving her a voice and helping her to regain her power. We will get through this!
I invite you reading this to follow us on this journey. Walk with me as I explore all of the facets of my abuse. Walk with me as I uncover painful truths and seek out life changing answers. Walk with me as I stroll forward in to the life my daughter and I both deserve; a life of joy, love and freedom from the shame, guilt and suffering that has been plaguing us for far too long.