The 100 Day Reality Challenge

I'm coming to you all for a little help/advice. I'm with someone that has an addiction, not to drugs or anything like that. But it hurts just the same. Is there anything to make a person change? For the past few years I've dealt with it and let it flow because I always thought, this will be the last time. It never was, even when it came down to me almost leaving a year ago. he told me he'd get help, he did, but only went twice and then lied about going. He'd quit and never told me. I've tried to figure life out for the past year but in a heated moment this morning over money, words were thrown. Words that I don't think can ever be taken back. When asked if I would leave I did not know, when asked if he'd get help the answer was NEVER. I've waited to know what to do, I've waited for him to get help, but I can't no more. Or should I? I hear that a person will only get help once all is taken from them, if that is the case do I have to leave?

I want some sort of sign, I believe I've been given one but I want to be 100% sure as there will be no going back for me. If you can suggest something or a book on why I keep accepting all this and allowing it I'd be greatly appreciated. Sorry for spelling and grammer, I'm not in the mood to even look for all that. I figure this is a blog about my journey and this is definitely a piece of it. Just yesterday I said I'd start standing up for myself and boy did I, I told him NO and words were spoke. Now to see what lies ahead. My heart is crushed, but at the same time this has also become a numb feeling.

Blessed Be

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Comment by AUDREY on January 30, 2009 at 5:56am
Perhaps the best thing would be to live apart, until he decides if he wants to be with you, he will have to stop his behaviour. By living apart you have your space and time to think and he has the same. This way you are supporting him but also finding out what makes you happy. xx Audrey
Comment by Elaine on January 30, 2009 at 2:25am
Wow. The people on this site really jump in to help, don't they? I is a beautiful thing.

I just remembered what I considered a major turning point...

When my ex was gambling and had lost his job, even though we weren't "together" anymore, we shared the responsibilities of the kid and the home so when I couldn't rely on him in any way and I got really frustrated. He didn't pick up the kids when he was supposed to and didn't have money much of the time.

In return, I was mean to him and when I saw him took the opportunity to complain and criticize. Finally, one day it struck me that the poor man was living a hellish existence, often times sleeping in his car in the parking lot of a casino. I knew he was ashamed about living like that when he was actually an educated professional man. Finally it struck me to have compassion for him. I called him on the phone one day and told him that regardless of whether he could admit it or not, I knew what was going on and that I was very sorry for the way he was suffering. I told him that I am not angry at him anymore, but I am sad because that is no way for anyone to live. He was silent but a few days later he came to me confessed that he had been gambling (duh!) and proceeded to seek help...

I really think my shift in attitude helped to break the vicious cycle and it might work for you too. You can always move on to a happy life if you choose, but in the meantime have compassion for this man who is suffering with the shame of addiction. Really nobody wants to live like that- his refusal to seek help most likely has to do more with fear than with being happy with his current situation.
Comment by Meredith Sinclair on January 30, 2009 at 1:41am
Hi,

All have offered good advice/thoughts here...I went through a similar situation. We are no longer together after 8 years. I can't tell you how much I grew personally from the experience. Yes, it was a very hard difficult and struggling journey for me. He did not want help and saw counseling as a joke or he didn't ever "get" what the therapist was saying....basically I did the work on my own.

The relationship was a mirror for me to better see myself and my own issues...I think someone here mentioned that if you don't go thru what the universe is presenting...it will keep presenting itself (the problem) until lessons are learned.

There are no hard answers that anyone can give you as to what is right and wrong for you to do....only ideas and sharing of experiences that you can gather ideas from...and the idea being that you will unravel the problems that originate with you. We can never change another person - also, we are not the actions/words of another person - another person does not truly have the power or ability to change us - not make us happy, sad, mad, angry, jealous, etc...

Your husband does a million different things all day long...you are only set-off by a few of them. This means that those behaviours are a trigger for you - they go much deeper into your own past....does his behaviour/response/words/expressions remind you of anyone in your past? Father, brother, mother, sister, aunt, uncle???

Usually, when we get tripped up by another's behaviour or land in a relationship with someone like this....the pain, hurt, misery, sadness, etc...provides a platform for us to take a look at the original hurt, pain, sadness that occured at an earlier time in our live....the problem started long ago....take the time to discover this - it is well worth it in the long run.

It took me several years to tend to my own business - to see this phenomenon that I was creating for myself and to heal.

Please do not take it that I am placing the onus on you....I am sure that your husband needs to work on himself...but, you are my friend here and I am hearing that you want to know what to do...start with you and you will end with perhaps a happier, more confident, free, loving, peaceful you. It does not matter what another does or doesn't do....


Everyone here has many great words of caring/sharing/advice - we all support you. Please write more when you feel like sharing.

Since I live in the same town as you - if you ever want to get out and meet somewhere - let me know...I would love to meet-up!

Blessings,

Mere
Comment by Lil Miss Starlight on January 29, 2009 at 4:41pm
Oh Homemom, my heart really goes out to you!
I've been in similar situations & wouldn't wish it upon anyone! My partner is an ex-addict, or what is the way they say it? In recovery. He had quit using a couple of years before we met, but in our time together has had several small relapses. The worst was when I was pregnant with our oldest daughter and just after she was born.....It is definitely not an easy thing to deal with. I think that we got through it miraculously. Mainly what I did was what Emha wrote about, worked on myself and on using LOA to create a better reality, meditated loads, prayed, wrote affirmations, etc. (that doesn't mean that I didn't get angry at times though). I think we also stayed together mainly because of his love for me and our family, and his determination to heal. He really put the effort in to change. And now, all is well & has been well for over four years (well, apart from his health which he is paying for his past with - but we're working on that)

I don't know exactly what your situation is like. But I'm sure that deep inside, you know what is the best thing for you to do. Trust yourself and your intuition. Whatever decision you make will be the right one....and stay true to yourself too. It's good that you've started standing up for yourself. And don't worry about the numb feeling, it's only there to protect you at the moment, it will pass, it will melt.

I really pray that everything works out for the best for you. I know it will. Sending you lots & lots of Love ♥
Comment by Princess Ariana on January 29, 2009 at 1:54pm
Wow, he actually lied about going? Hmm... perhaps you need to establish a relationship based on trust. It seems he feels as though his "need" for this addiction is something no one else can understand.. (not even him, hence why he feels no one else can)

Perhaps you should make him feel as though you accept this side of him, but slowly show him that this is not what HE wants.

No human being enjoys being held back by anything.. it's the worst, like being a slave. And not being able to release your true potential.

It sounds as though you are having doubts about leaving him, however, so perhaps it deserves another chance?

Sweety, I sincerely consider your feelings. You truly took a big plunge after having taken something for the longest of time and continuing to take it... until it filled up and completely overwhelmed you. That can be horrible.

But try to understand that after having done something like this, that is totally new to you, you might be left to feel scared, walking on unknown territory, stepping out of your comfort zone and feeling unsure; please know this is normal.

There are dozens of books I can recommend for help.. But people are so individualized I'd have to know more about you to know which would best suit you. Maybe you can go to a bookstore and looks for "vibes" that call out to you; the self help section contains all kinds of fun and understanding books regarding things about you, to things about a loved one; like addictions, understading yourself, what to do, insecurity, finding yourself, etc..

But right now, you've just stated that your heart is crushed... I would recommend some nourishment on that heart and recharge on your soul if you wish to gain the strength to continue this with a sound mind.

You have my strongest blessings, and warmest vibes.. may all go as you plan..

- Ariana
Please have faith....


And whatever you do, don't let go of hope....
Comment by Emha on January 29, 2009 at 1:13pm
It is natural for you to feel bitter and hurt under these conditions, but feeling that way does not help things, it can only make things worse.

Everyone always gets exactly what they are offering vibrationaly, it is always a match. We are all very eager to believe that we create our own reality if good things happen, but we are reluctant to accept that when we are in negative circumstances. If you would leave your partner without cleaning up your vibration you would only find yourself with a partner just like him (or worse) a few years down the road.

You have much more power to positively affect things than you realise. Abraham says: “One who is connected to the stream is more powerful than a million who are not!”

It is not your work to figure out what needs to be done, or how it’s going to be done. Your work is to imagine a happy outcome for everybody involved and Law of attraction will bring it about. Just pretend that this trauma has passed and all is well.

When you feel bitter or hurt or angry you are not connected to the stream of well-being. And when you are not connected to the stream of well-being your power of influence becomes insignificant.

Start by making a list of positive aspects of your partner and your relationship; don’t forget to mention even the smallest things you can think off. (milk it!) Then ignore what is and focus on the positive aspects and on how they make you feel. Think of what it would be like if they would expand en multiply. And how your life will get better and better. Do your best to imagine a happy outcome.

Again: don’t try to figure out how it will happen, skip over the how or the who or the when and where.

Find thoughts that are pleasant and easy to find and hold them in your mind. And when the other thoughts come up – and they will for a while – just relax and release them and focus on the better feeling thoughts. Focus on what you really want and why you want it. And most of all, reach for a feeling of relief. Trust that all is well and watch what happens!

Help will come from endless places and will come in endless ways.
But first you must be a match to your desire!
Comment by Elaine on January 29, 2009 at 12:20pm
I am sorry for what you are going through. I think AlAnon provides an excellent support system and you should go meet people and talk. When it comes down to it I think they will tell you to take care of yourself first. In many cases that means distancing yourself from someone like that.

There is hope, though. My ex was a poker addict, spending ALL his time in Las Vegas and Atlantic City and eventually losing his job and getting into financial difficulty. He was actually a good player too and often won lots of money so it was a hard addiction to break but he did it.

We are not together anymore like that but we are still a close-knit family, He works and helps me with the kids and I consider him to be a very good friend, We were once having crazy fights like the two of you are having.

Everything can heal and get better. Never give up the most important thing, hope.

YOUR SUPPORT IS NEEDED!

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