The 100 Day Reality Challenge

I write this entry as a cathartic way to express my angst and hopefully find some clarity. Raising my son proves to be the most beautiful and challenging thing I have ever done. It's challenges though can shake you to your core. Always struggling thru life w/ indecision, self doubt, I tried to read all i could ...prepare my body mentally and physically before giving birth. I felt like THIS I would do right, especially after my son was born I have never loved anything so much in my life at times just looking at him my heart could burst. The first three months we deemed the "fourth trimester" co sleeping w/ him to ensure a sense of security and also ease of breast feeding. I have loved it, waking to his smiling little face in the mornings.... I do have to admit, especially lately not much sleep has been happening and he is fussy not napping well thru the day either and "snacking" every 1-2 hrs. About every week I hit a wall due to sleep deprivation. This week I hit the wall hard, tears haven't stopped for three days, shaking, and feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've been trying to gently transition L into his crib but he wakes every hour. G and I have been arguing about letting him cry. I finally gave in, obviously nothing I am doing is working and none of us are getting any sleep. My self esteem though feels like it has been rocked to the absolute core. I feel like I do not know how to care for my own child.I feel like I'm not strong enough for this. I don't want him to have to pay the consequences for my weaknesses. Will I not have the "toughness" needed in order to foster independence. I want to be able to be strong enough for him, to be able to set appropriate limits, so he has the confidence to explore the world, know he is loved. I know this may seem dramatic, they say w/ in 3 days bad habits can be changed. We will see. I am here on the couch w/ headphones in. G is sleeping w/ L and will manage him and bring him to me to be fed. I'm hoping I won't be able to hear him cry, it absolutely breaks my heart. I physically feel pain in my body when I hear him, It feels like torture. I don't know what else to do though, I have tried everything I know. I am so anxious about how tonight will go, I should be sleeping , I am way beyond tired almost feels like I can't sleep. My mind just races, trying to back pedal or figure another way to do things. I have agreed though and must let this play out.

I fed him and gave him a reiki treatment before putting him to bed. I have resolved that at least I can send him distant trtmnts which will hopefully help to calm him and sleep. I am just praying this really does work w/in 3 day (less would be fantastic). I don't know how long I can take this. I just want my baby to be able to sleep, so he's happy day and night. He's been labeled as a "fussy" baby. I am always the Mom bouncing/shushing/never sitting. I do think some of it though is because he doesn't sleep well at night or during naps so is probably overtired all the time therefore fussy. I don't know.....I feel like I don't know anything.

I know this is not a positive post, but hoping that getting some it off my chest will help to ease my angst and pass the hours. It's a long time till morning. When he cries 5 minutes feels like 5 years.

I hope to find the connection, to find my place, to feel confident as a mother and in the decisions I make. I want to feel grounded, reenergized.
I found using reiki again helped remind me of the connection I have to the universe and it's energy. May it fill my and my son tonight and bring us both peace and sleep. Namaste my sweet xo

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Comment by Chris on December 13, 2009 at 4:35pm
Hey Kaizen,

I want to remind you that the only reason that we experience anything in our lives is because we have asked for it in one way or another. I know that this can be a little in your face but I promise you that I believe it with every fiber in my being and in no way mean any disrespect. I have never had a child but I know that every situation we are faced with is either a desire or a contrast to a desire. Bring your feeling back to this state or recognition and you'll be better equipped to mold them into better feelings. If you are getting little sleep say "Hey Universe, thanks for giving me this contrast to what I want." and then focus your happy feelings on the opposite desire.

I also practice Reiki so another suggestion to ease into this realm of thinking would be to send some distance Reiki to the situation back when it started. Reiki has been a powerful tool in my development and can be used in any way we intend. I'll send your situation some Reiki as well.

Enjoy your beautiful, peaceful nights sleep tonight and remember that it isn't just a blessing but it is your bliss which constantly flows to you.

Peace, light and love!
Comment by Kaizen on December 13, 2009 at 12:59pm
Thanks Elise. I made it through the night and MUCH to my surprise he did much better than I expected ( I envisioned 2hr constant crying fits) He managed to settle himself amazingly well for his first night in the crib. He's already down for his morning nap, which went quite smoothly... I think we had gotten into a cycle of difficult habits as well b/c he recently was sick (cold sxs's) and was eating/waking frequently b/c he had difficulty breathing thru his nose. (It lasted 3 weeks, so lots of time to get accustomed to the routine).
I am super hopeful that this will make for a more well rested and happy baby AND Momma. I had definitely run out of steam.....I was dying inside when my girlfriends were getting 6-10 hrs of sleep at night and I was struggling to even get an HOUR week after week. No wonder I was having a hard time being positive. I actually got 2 stints of 2.5 hrs of sleep last night (my husband managed the baby last night other than feeds). Amazing the difference in my outlook this morning, I can totally see how they get prisoners to talk with sleep deprivation. I was doing some wacky things, had no memory. One good thing is I had stashed away $250 in a drawer and my husband found it yesterday (I don't remember putting it there), it was while he was looking for some guitar parts (for 3 days searched the house over and over) I swore that I had never seen them....ends up I had put them in a bag with some Christmas presents (don't remember this either) and there was one more thing....but I can't remember what it was ;) ! I told him I must have multiple personalities, or at least if feels that way lately !!

Thanks for your encouraging words, and I look forward to sleeping during the day when he starts taking naps (for longer than 20 minutes!!). It's hard to b/c I live very far away from home and no family I can depend on. I have met a great group of other Mom's though and we're trying to help support each other (they don't have family around either). Taking a deep breath, and looking forward to a wonderful day with my beautiful Son !
Comment by Elise on December 13, 2009 at 6:17am
It is not easy...If you ever need to talk, I am here. Reach out to others and you will find help. Ask for help from others. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Please go to sleep when he does during the day. Don't try and be superwoman. have you tried a hammock? Saved my life when I had young babies. I used to AMBY Hammock.....maybe it will work for you.

This will pass and you will get into the more fun stage - I promise.

Bless., Elise

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