I write this entry as a cathartic way to express my angst and hopefully find some clarity. Raising my son proves to be the most beautiful and challenging thing I have ever done. It's challenges though can shake you to your core. Always struggling thru life w/ indecision, self doubt, I tried to read all i could ...prepare my body mentally and physically before giving birth. I felt like THIS I would do right, especially after my son was born I have never loved anything so much in my life at times just looking at him my heart could burst. The first three months we deemed the "fourth trimester" co sleeping w/ him to ensure a sense of security and also ease of breast feeding. I have loved it, waking to his smiling little face in the mornings.... I do have to admit, especially lately not much sleep has been happening and he is fussy not napping well thru the day either and "snacking" every 1-2 hrs. About every week I hit a wall due to sleep deprivation. This week I hit the wall hard, tears haven't stopped for three days, shaking, and feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've been trying to gently transition L into his crib but he wakes every hour. G and I have been arguing about letting him cry. I finally gave in, obviously nothing I am doing is working and none of us are getting any sleep. My self esteem though feels like it has been rocked to the absolute core. I feel like I do not know how to care for my own child.I feel like I'm not strong enough for this. I don't want him to have to pay the consequences for my weaknesses. Will I not have the "toughness" needed in order to foster independence. I want to be able to be strong enough for him, to be able to set appropriate limits, so he has the confidence to explore the world, know he is loved. I know this may seem dramatic, they say w/ in 3 days bad habits can be changed. We will see. I am here on the couch w/ headphones in. G is sleeping w/ L and will manage him and bring him to me to be fed. I'm hoping I won't be able to hear him cry, it absolutely breaks my heart. I physically feel pain in my body when I hear him, It feels like torture. I don't know what else to do though, I have tried everything I know. I am so anxious about how tonight will go, I should be sleeping , I am way beyond tired almost feels like I can't sleep. My mind just races, trying to back pedal or figure another way to do things. I have agreed though and must let this play out.
I fed him and gave him a reiki treatment before putting him to bed. I have resolved that at least I can send him distant trtmnts which will hopefully help to calm him and sleep. I am just praying this really does work w/in 3 day (less would be fantastic). I don't know how long I can take this. I just want my baby to be able to sleep, so he's happy day and night. He's been labeled as a "fussy" baby. I am always the Mom bouncing/shushing/never sitting. I do think some of it though is because he doesn't sleep well at night or during naps so is probably overtired all the time therefore fussy. I don't know.....I feel like I don't know anything.
I know this is not a positive post, but hoping that getting some it off my chest will help to ease my angst and pass the hours. It's a long time till morning. When he cries 5 minutes feels like 5 years.
I hope to find the connection, to find my place, to feel confident as a mother and in the decisions I make. I want to feel grounded, reenergized.
I found using reiki again helped remind me of the connection I have to the universe and it's energy. May it fill my and my son tonight and bring us both peace and sleep. Namaste my sweet xo