I'm learning to make peace with myself. Over the last two months, I've really been unable to accept my the physical and mental disturbances that I have experienced, presumably due to some sort of infection, but truly, I'm tired of fighting it. For so long I've morned the life and the energy that I used to have. I've searched the internet for reasons for my mental and physical condition. I've rested, slept, and I've isolated myself from life and people. I've cried and punished myself. I've taken endless vitamins, minerals, supplements, and medications. I have refrained from drinking or going out with friends for weeks. Yet, I've truly been unable to accept how I've been feeling over the last few months. I've spent so much time morning the life I used to have and worrying about how this illness will effect my summer and future obligations.
Getting sick has provided me with so many crucial life lessons. It's forced me to be alone with myself, truly alone. It's helped me not to take energy, exercise, and clear thought for granted. I've denied, I've cried, I've bargained, I've gotten angry with the Universe, but I'm tired of fighting. I need to surrender and accept that it may take a few months for me to return to my old self. My brain is constantly flooded with fears that I will never be the same. That I will never wake up with clarity of thought or with energy again. That I will never be truly happy again. That I have something much worse than mono. Fears, and tears. Fears and tears.
Universe, I'm ready to surrender. I'm ready to accept my state and move on. I'm ready to find the lesson in this. If I do have to live the rest of my life like this, what changes do I need to make today to continue to live a productive life? Surrender... Yes, today I surrender to my body and the infections occurring inside of it. I make peace with it. I seek the lesson in it. And I'd like to move on. I'm tired of being paralyzed by fear. Whatever is happening to my body, I accept you, make peace with you, and would like to learn my lessons and move on.
"It's a New Day"
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