Made it through day 2 of my new season still feeling uplifted by a sense of a fresh start. The new moon and optimism perhaps? So waking up at 4am thinking about my ex for the first time in ages wasn't therefore what I'd expected! I'd studiously avoided contact when I could have just because I found the whole subject so painful and have long needed to heal and felt unable to. Well as its the wee small hours of the morning and I'm committed to facing these subconscious obstacles to a better life when they're thrown up at me I thought I'd go online and find out what she was doing now (I know, I know - is it just me or have others done that??). The strange thing about all these social websites and search engines these days is that your past can be ever present - not sure that's always a good thing but at least it means you can see the reality of life a little clearer and, for me at least, less prone to some neptunian imagining. Net effect of it? Aside from making my stomach flip it's left me blogging at 5am so go figure! Not upset any more so much as wistful... is that the right word? Some sadness but joy too, longing but not just for her but rather for love in general. I wouldn't normally admit this to myself these days, as I don't seem to want to accept myself fully as I am - that's why I still want to change my life, right? - but I so want to be in love again with someone truly amazing it leaves a knot inside of me some days. I think that was partly why my subconscious woke me at 4am to let me know. My circumstances now are such I really don't know how I'm ever going to realise that dream but at least I can say it and put it out there in the ether. Maybe my subconscious can be happier with that. So from my heart and with a wiser smile on my face, wishing YOU lots of love. Chris.