I used to push myself to the edge a lot. And although I'm more aware now than I've ever been before I am finding myself standing here once more while both fear and excitement are arising almost in conjunction, although fear has the upper hand right here right now. There's a very strong feeling that I'm letting go of what I think I know about my future and what I think I want, trying to grasp onto anything which will give me some sense of security but finding nothing, or rather, finding that these things that I call to me out of my fear are in essence empty of anything real or permanent. There's a strong feeling of dying, the mind/ego feels it is a physical death that's coming....I don't know....whatever way this is going it's another opportunity for transformation. But how to stay calm and focussed on my centre when my whole world is shifting and changing and the well trodden ground beneath my feet is swiftly disappearing?
A memory of this Tibetan 'Doha' came to my mind as I was writing this.......I found it helpful, I hope you do too!
(A Dharma Song by Ven. Lama Gendun Rinpoche)
Happiness cannot be found through
great effort and willpower,
but it is already there,
in relaxation and letting-go.
Don't strain yourself,
there is nothing to do.
Whatever arises in the mind
has no importance at all,
because it has no reality whatsoever.
Don't become attached to it.
Don't pass judgment.
Let the game happen on its own,
springing up and falling back,
without changing anything -
And all will vanish and reappear, without end.
Only our searching for happiness
prevents us from seeing it.
It is like a rainbow which you run after
without ever catching it.
Although it does not exist,
it has always been there
and accompanies you every instant.
Don't believe in the reality of
good and bad experiences;
They are like rainbows.
Wanting to grasp the ungraspable,
you exhaust yourself in vain.
As soon as you relax this grasping,
space is there -
open, inviting and comfortable.
So, make use of it. All is yours already.
Don't search any further.
Don't go into the inextricable jungle
looking for the elephant
who is already quietly at home.
Nothing to do,
nothing to force,
nothing to want -
And everything happens by itself.