I am just writing and I dont know what I will say. I am having a very difficult time in my relationship right now and I am just lost. I feel anxious and hurt and yet it seems to be all my fault. I cant seem to be grounded. It seems to me that I just want him to hold me and love me. and it should be easy. But when he is in another space and cant give that energy back or doesnt feel like being intimate, I feel so hurt. If I express my disapointment, he gets mad because I am so dramatic and emotional. Then he starts coming down on me and raising his voice, which rattles me completely and I freak out. I just cant handle being yelled at even though he is just being "animated". I start crying and crying and beg him to please just be quiet and then he keeps yelling and telling me to look at how unstable i am, that I cant just have a conversation about something without crying. I try to express that I just cant deal with his aggression (this is something i had in an abusive relationship the past and it rattles me to the core), but it ends up that I am just begging him to be quiet because I cant stand the noise anymore. This usually escalates and i end up snapping and kicking him out of my house just to find some peace and quiet. He will refuse to leave and continue on for like 10 minutes saying look at you, look how crazy you are being, I was just trying to talk to you, but by that point i am histarical and just begging him to leave. This has happened so many times now. I am sure this sounds absolutely toxic and crazy to anyone who reads it, but this has become my life.
We talked about going to counselling a few days ago and he has been looking in to it this week. We agreed to take a week and gather our thoughts and we would book something for next week after we take a week of space, but last night we had an acception as we had pre-planned a date with friends. I have been missing him so much and at the end of the night he came to my house and of course we couldnt just end the night on a positive. The above is the scene from last night... although it could easily be any other night. We have so much hurt and built up anomosity that it is impossible to relax and just be.
I dont know what to do. I cant imagine being with anyone else most of the time. I want to go to a counsellor and learn some tools and so does he, but i dont know if we are beyond repair. I am ofte move n thinking he is not the one for me as we exist so differently, we are on such different wave lengths now. I have read Ab-Hicks book on emotions and I think maybe there could be something better if I could just find the strength to move on, but I cant seem to find the strength to accept that as the way to go. Am I a sucker for punishment? Am I living in fear and I am only here because of that? Or is there hope for us? And if there is hope for us, would I be settling anyways??? I dont know. I want answers. I want to progress in my life towards family and I dont know if I am preventing my own dream by being in this relationship or if it is my own problems that are preventing me from behaving the right way towards him....................... I DONT KNOW.
I want the answers!! I want to know what to do!!! Please God give me some clarity.