The 100 Day Reality Challenge

Please God give me clarity, show me the right path. S1 D15

I am just writing and I dont know what I will say. I am having a very difficult time in my relationship right now and I am just lost. I feel anxious and hurt and yet it seems to be all my fault. I cant seem to be grounded. It seems to me that I just want him to hold me and love me. and it should be easy. But when he is in another space and cant give that energy back or doesnt feel like being intimate, I feel so hurt. If I express my disapointment, he gets mad because I am so dramatic and emotional. Then he starts coming down on me and raising his voice, which rattles me completely and I freak out. I just cant handle being yelled at even though he is just being "animated". I start crying and crying and beg him to please just be quiet and then he keeps yelling and telling me to look at how unstable i am, that I cant just have a conversation about something without crying. I try to express that I just cant deal with his aggression (this is something i had in an abusive relationship the past and it rattles me to the core), but it ends up that I am just begging him to be quiet because I cant stand the noise anymore. This usually escalates and i end up snapping and kicking him out of my house just to find some peace and quiet. He will refuse to leave and continue on for like 10 minutes saying look at you, look how crazy you are being, I was just trying to talk to you, but by that point i am histarical and just begging him to leave. This has happened so many times now. I am sure this sounds absolutely toxic and crazy to anyone who reads it, but this has become my life.

We talked about going to counselling a few days ago and he has been looking in to it this week. We agreed to take a week and gather our thoughts and we would book something for next week after we take a week of space, but last night we had an acception as we had pre-planned a date with friends. I have been missing him so much and at the end of the night he came to my house and of course we couldnt just end the night on a positive. The above is the scene from last night... although it could easily be any other night. We have so much hurt and built up anomosity that it is impossible to relax and just be.

I dont know what to do. I cant imagine being with anyone else most of the time. I want to go to a counsellor and learn some tools and so does he, but i dont know if we are beyond repair. I am ofte move n thinking he is not the one for me as we exist so differently, we are on such different wave lengths now. I have read Ab-Hicks book on emotions and I think maybe there could be something better if I could just find the strength to move on, but I cant seem to find the strength to accept that as the way to go. Am I a sucker for punishment? Am I living in fear and I am only here because of that? Or is there hope for us? And if there is hope for us, would I be settling anyways??? I dont know. I want answers. I want to progress in my life towards family and I dont know if I am preventing my own dream by being in this relationship or if it is my own problems that are preventing me from behaving the right way towards him....................... I DONT KNOW.

I want the answers!! I want to know what to do!!! Please God give me some clarity.

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Comment by Emha on January 31, 2009 at 12:29pm
Hi Kitty. A short answer to your question (I'm in a bit of a rush): talking to him or even trying to change HIS vibration is upstream! Your work is only your own vibration.....
You have much more power to positively affect things than you realise!
Comment by Conscious Kitty on January 31, 2009 at 11:36am
Emha, thank you so much! Your words really make sense to me. He was once very vibrationally a match to me and I have changed this. I am going to make a list of positives and happy things about him and us and try to hold that, The problem is, what if his vibration stays the same? Do you think I should talk to him about this or just try my best from my end?

THANKS!!
Comment by Emha on January 31, 2009 at 6:56am
This is a comment I posted earlier this week in another blog. But it seems to fit in here perfectly......

It is natural for you to feel confused and hurt under these conditions, but feeling that way does not help things, it can only make things worse.

Everyone always gets exactly what they are offering vibrationaly, it is always a match. We are all very eager to believe that we create our own reality if good things happen, but we are reluctant to accept that when we are in negative circumstances. If you would leave your partner without cleaning up your vibration you would only find yourself with a partner just like him (or worse) a few years down the road.

You have much more power to positively affect things than you realise. Abraham says: “One who is connected to the stream is more powerful than a million who are not!”

It is not your work to figure out what needs to be done, or how it’s going to be done. Your work is to imagine a happy outcome for everybody involved and Law of attraction will bring it about. Just pretend that this trauma has passed and all is well.

When you feel bitter or hurt or angry you are not connected to the stream of well-being. And when you are not connected to the stream of well-being your power of influence becomes insignificant.

Start by making a list of positive aspects of your partner and your relationship; don’t forget to mention even the smallest things you can think off. (milk it!) Then ignore what is and focus on the positive aspects and on how they make you feel. Think of what it would be like if they would expand en multiply. And how your life will get better and better. Do your best to imagine a happy outcome.

Again: don’t try to figure out how it will happen, skip over the how or the who or the when and where.

Find thoughts that are pleasant and easy to find and hold them in your mind. And when the other thoughts come up – and they will for a while – just relax and release them and focus on the better feeling thoughts. Focus on what you really want and why you want it. And most of all, reach for a feeling of relief. Trust that all is well and watch what happens!

Help will come from endless places and will come in endless ways.

But first you must be a match to your desire!
Comment by Conscious Kitty on January 30, 2009 at 10:43pm
Thank you for your feedback co-creators! I know I need to change my thinking, I am just not really sure how to do it. YOu are right Terry, when its something that affects you deeply, it is difficult to manifest what you want or even get clear on what you want. My god, today I manifested my first earth quake experience, in just one weeks time! But to manifest a different relationship - hah! Seems impossible!

I do still love him. I love him deeply and have a hard time imagining that I could love someone else the same way, but at the same time, I keep thinking that maybe I should try to meet new people and give an alternative a shot. How could I be thinking that if I am in love with him?

Basically I know we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and in our communication with eachother to be able to get anywhere positive. I am working on myself... he unfortunately doesnt have the the time or drive to approach things the way I am... He thinks he knows it all already (if only I would see things his way! ;-) But we are getting professional help next week, so thats a start.

Terry, I am having a hard time trying to blow this situation up by 10x... honestly I think I would be dead in that scenario... but that doesnt really make what I am experiencing seem insignificant, it makes it feel like wow things are so bad that if they were 10x worse, there would be no problems...

I am not trying to sound unstable or depressed because I am otherwise doing quite well and am happy, I just cant seem to apply all that I know to changing myself or relationship to get out of this twillight zone that I have been in for two relationships in a row now.

Ahhhhh, I dont know. I am going to sit and read some Abraham Hicks now and see if I can find some answers.

Thanks again... I'm smiling as I write this, dont worry. Its almost funny how I can experience such madness and go on like normal again and again.

Have a good weekend!! :)
Comment by Emha on January 30, 2009 at 3:42pm
It is a long and emotional blog you wrote but still I find a few words missing........."I love him"
Isn't that the first question to ask yourself, wether you still and truly love him

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