Until Today was another great one for me today. Iyanla Vanzant says, “Life will work for me when I realize . . . when I tell myself the truth, I can trust myself! If your life is a mess, here are a couple things you may want to consider cleaning up: 1. Are you keeping your agreements? Are you doing what you say you will do? Or are you telling little fibs to get out of the things you agreed to do? When you do not keep your agreements then lie to cover them up, you create little messes all over your life. In addition, when you do not keep your agreements, you learn that you cannot be trusted. If you can’t trust you, who can you trust?!”
This makes perfect sense for my letdown that I seemed to experience in 2008. There were multiple agreements that I made that I didn’t complete and then would lie to myself to cover them up. I went from being overjoyed at the end of 2007 to really down in the dumps by the end of last year. It makes so much sense to me now that I’ve read this. And now I’m really thankful that my very first and most important intention for this challenge is to FINISH!!! When I finish this challenge, I can reassure myself that I can be trusted.
Vanzant goes on to say, “Are you telling the truth about what you feel? What you know? Who you are? Or, are you sugar coating the truth to yourself and others to avoid hurting their feelings and putting yourself on the spot? When you do not tell the truth, you are enslaved by a lie. The lie controls your life. The lie determines what you do, how you do it and what you receive as a result. When you are a slave to a lie, you eventually become the very one who keeps the ‘master’ alive. Until today, you may not have realized how the mess in your life got started or how to clean it up. Just for today, be devoted to examining, acknowledging and cleaning up the little things that create such a mess in your mind and your life. Today I am devoted to cleaning up the mess!”
This next point has been so true for me too! I have not been completely honest with any of my religious family and friends about how I’ve been thinking and feeling lately. I have been completely sugar coating everything about what I’m learning and discovering spiritually. She perfectly described how I felt all last year when she said, “When you do not tell the truth, you are enslaved by a lie”. Good stuff!!
For reasons unbeknownst to me, I went to bed and woke up today feeling like shit. That feeling followed me throughout the whole day until I came home and shared my feelings with Katie. After I shared with her what was going on inside of me, I seemed to feel a lot better. I was a little frustrated that I lost the eagerness and excitement about my amazing journey on day one. I mentioned to Katie that it almost feels like this is opposed—like my friends Resistance and Distraction attacked full force on Day One in order to knock me off the path right from the start.
The good news is I seemed to push through it and stay curious about three things: Where is this coming from? What caused my sudden mood shift? What can I do to try and change my mood? I’m not completely convinced about what caused it or why it was so sudden but I am convinced that opening up to Katie about it was the perfect thing for me. We enjoyed the rest of our evening together eating homemade pizza (that was delicious) and watching Gladiator (which she hadn’t seen yet). Spending some quality time together relaxing after working all day was much needed for both of us. And by being vulnerable with her about my feelings, that gave us a chance to connect on a deeper level and understand each other even better.
We’re about ready to sign off for the night and rest up for Day Two. Hope all of your Day Ones were successful!!! Best of luck on Day Two!!