The biggest difference in me now and when I began this journey is my perspective. I used to have such concrete ideas of how things should be done. The right way to live. Things I would do or not do. People I would date, befriend or not. I set limits to everything. Jobs that were acceptable: corporate yes, wait staff decidedly no. Age ranges for my partner, my age or 2-3 years older, friends could be a few years in either direction. Clubs = trashy. Tini-bars = yay. Beer, oh. G and t, of course. I knew how things were or should be. I knew everything worth knowing really.
So stupid it’s hard to even write this now. I know now that I’ll never rule anything out. I’ve gone places that never made the list and just marveled. The work that makes me happy? Dive master, certainly beneath my station as I formally categorized things. My friends have invariably been too young or too old and I’ve felt lucky to have met each of them. I’ve found home in my connection with the most magnificent man, seven years my junior, a better partner in crime I never could have imagined.
Freedom from restrictions, where I live, work, eat, who I love has been the greatest gift. Before I was happy about my fab address, the car I drove, the money I earned, but I wasn’t Happy. Now I live everywhere and nowhere, depending on the day. I have no car, insubstantial belongings, I make no money but every day is greater than the last. Without an obligation to meet, a list to live by, my experiences are as varied, free and honest as any life I had previously allowed myself to dream of.
It amazes me really how we all limit ourselves. Our “preferences” a cell we’re happy to occupy. Our inability to waiver from stale hastily conceived convictions, a life sentence blindly served. I worry that if I go back home I’ll once again fall into a routine of marching by the world without immersing myself in it. Marinating in the experiences it offers and the insights that others are eager to impart. I know I come from a success driven background. Success measured by heights of materialism and depth of inane knowledge. My freedom has in great part come from simplifying. I hope I remember how liberating it was to whittle my possessions down to what I could carry on my back, allowing my “beliefs” to remain elastic and open to new awareness and welcoming whatever experience or path that came in with the tide…
I’m packing for a new adventure and stumbled upon this blog that I never got a chance to upload. I wrote it somewhere between Malaysia and New Zealand, knowing I’d soon be heading to the states for Christmas and not wanting to get sucked back into the all American mindset. All of my other adventures I remember fondly, yet easily moved on from them. But this chapter stays with me like it’s still mine to live. I don’t know if it’s because that time and company felt like home to me or it’s because I came back to a place that feels like it culturally conflicts with everything I know to be true about life, or at least the life that feels good to me.
This last year was fairly predictable I suppose. I came back to the states , got a job that was fun enough, lived in a nice environment and bought an apartment building that I had had my eye on. Was it terrible? Certainly not. I appreciate that these things came fairly easily to me. Was it fulfilling? Not in and of itself, no.
Within the same time frame I also got caught by a round of layoffs, losing my fun job and parted ways with my sweet partner in crime which felt truly horrible. But in those trials I came to so many realizations and quite simply, I grew up. I learned of the balance between resiliency and witting vulnerability and how together they pave the way forward. That patience is the most underrated and overlooked component to a satisfying life. And I finally accept that fear and doubt are complete figments of our imagination, both utterly pointless in this experience. They are also very much under our control, all it takes is a decision and poof!! They’re gone and you’re invincible. Together these lessons are worth more than my former salary & rent roll combined and all it took was a wee crash and burn followed by a hermetic year in the sticks…isn’t life funny?
I’m off tomorrow to the Galapagos. Diving with sharks and seals and Brits, oh my! I’m so very grateful for the new adventure, the freedom to just go, second chances and the characters that will inevitably cross my path. I feel like I've neglected my blog and this entry is really cheating bc it's partially recycled and more journal than blog but I am looking forward to coming back from my trip and pouring myself into this community. Even though I don't write often I do read your blogs and watch the inspirational videos and I wonder what two weeks without that will be like vibrationally for me?
Love you all, wish you every happiness in this world and I hope to be back soon with a great story (unless I stowaway to Easter Island or fluff off to Tokyo y.a.y…or meet a hammerhead I can’t tickle away from me, not too too likely:p)
Au revoir mes amis!!!