As I move through my first 100 days I feel like I want to reexamine what it is I am after in this life and challenge. I waiver between wanting to partner up and settle down and continuing to be free in the way I live my life, jumping at whatever opportunities come my way.
What I truly want is both. I love that I'm not tied down in terms of a job and whatever it is that keeps people in the same place for decades. Lease, mortgage, kids? When I decided to extend the vacation I was on last month, there were no real consequences. I had to reschedule a dentist appointment, but that was it. No boss to call, no school to miss, no meetings to cancel. I feel like the wonderful experiences that come to me, come because they won't be wasted. I'm going to say yes. If there is a chance to go somewhere, meet someone, do something, I will always jump.
But I wonder as of late, if the meaning of all of these experiences would be much greater if I had someone to share them with. As it stands, I always meet amazing strangers and share a moment in time with them that I will always remember fondly, but then they become just another face in my facebook friends list. What would it be like if I had experience after brilliant experience with the same person? Share my life and my love of living with someone on the same path?
I have the hardest time imagining what that would be like though bc to me partnership/marriage/whatever seems to be the end of the line when it comes to my way of life. It's programming that I'm earnestly working to get rid of, but when I look at my married friends or married people I meet traveling, they always seem to have more to complain about and tend to have less fun than I think is healthy. Is that because it's how it is or am I just seeing what I've come to expect? My parents are happily married and still obviously love each other after 38 years, but they also are very tied down with their business, responsibilites and routine. I suppose that's not because they are married though. I wonder if there is someone out there like me that needs to be free to live life as it comes but wants to do it with someone at their side. How does that even work? Can my idea of a great adventure be the same as someone else's all of the time? Or do you just go your separate ways from time to time? I've had long term relationships, 8 years being the longest, and by the end of it neither of us were living in a way that made us happy bc after so many years of comprimising we had lost touch with what actually made us happy. My interests were now his and his circa year 3 of the relationship were mine.
I feel like I should have worked all of this out by now but really, I don't know that I've ever actually sat down and thought this through. I want a relationship where I appreciate my partner and have a blast living life, I also want kids, but I want to remain free. Committed, yet free...this train of thought feels so juvenile but it's where I am. Not sure my goals are any clearer. Maybe I need to end with I want a partner in crime, love and freedom and not worry about the how or why. Surely there's someone out there that wants exactly what I do and will be thrilled to dance through this life with me. I want to be the person that makes him feel loved, confident, content and inspired. I would love for him to be loyal, hilarious, kind, and cuddly (and to love diving too...as long as I'm being picky;)
That's if for now universe, not too much to ask I'd say. Thank you in advance for the clarity, new relationship concepts and mr. cutie that are coming my way. Ahh, CCOR, what would I do without you?