Ooh what a season this has been thus far. I felt so motivated on day 1, as I imagine we all are, and was diligent about meditating, journaling and really being aware of how I was feeling and what I wanted to focus my energy on. Day 2 I went to yoga, came home feeling pretty in synch w/the world and I had a much anticipated response from my ex waiting for me, what I had been focusing all of my energy on. I was thrilled and knew that it was because of this 100 day challenge and the steps I was taking to create my world. Since then I left the island I'm on in Thailand for another neighboring island for a full moon party. I didn't journal or meditate or do anything productive. I spent time w/good friends that I have been traveling with off and on and enjoyed it, but now I'm back home without them and feeling very much alone and unsure of my next move.
I have to leave Thailand by the third of April. It's almost the second of April and I have no idea where I'm going as of yet. I'm weary of having to pick up and move so often. I am not a backpacker, I came to sail and dive on a specific boat, sleeping in the same bed for months on end. But that hasn't materialized and I'm at a loss to understand why everything seems to be falling through for me. I want to be hopeful and believe that it wasn't meant to be and this sidetracking is leading me to where I want to go. I want to let go of needing to know the hows and whys of everything. I know that I shouldn't have to spend so much energy maintaining a dying relationship and want so so much to forget about my ex and be wide open and welcoming to my perfect partner in crime, someone new to me I think. Ugh, I just want that wonderful feeling when your heart and head and life just flow effortlessly.
I never used to be like this. I was open and free and spent years on the road soaking in every amazing experience life presented me with. Now I'm trying to speed through them so I can settle down into a nest of apparent security. But I know better than that. I know that there is no such thing as security and I just need to take what comes and go with the flow and focus positively on attracting a wonderful future by appreciating all of the wondrous things in my present reality. And in typing that I didn't feel in anyway connected to it. Random words to fill a blank page, but my heart isn't falling for it.
Not sure what to think about or how to talk myself out of this blah feeling. I've always gotten such great tips from all of you guys out there and though this is all very vague, I wonder if you have any advice?
best wishes and thanks!!