I am so happy to be back to CCOR, it's been almost a year since I began Season 1. In that season I grew so much and my life seemed so much more synchronistic than it is now. Ideas, books, opportunities, whatever I needed really, just flowed to me. I remember feeling very mellow and positive regardless of what came up. I met a wonderful man that I was head over heels smitten with, which went south and brings me to where I am today. Feeling a bit lost and disconnected. And I'm also traveling through Thailand, an impulsive move I made in part to get out of New York (one of my Season 1 intentions), but mostly to see my ex who has moved to Indonesia to dive.
In my mind I was coming here to dive and figure out my next move and hopefully see him, but I didn't know how that would come about as I'd be in Thailand and he'd be in Indo. So I flew to Bangkok and was hanging out w/new friends from my hostel when I got a message from him saying he was in Bangkok as well (random visa run), it must be synchrodestiny as he had been thinking a lot about me recently and could we get together bc it would be good to see me. Well, sounds like a dream, but I was so caught off guard (not sure why bc that is EXACTLY what I wanted to happen) that I was aloof w/him and avoided conversations of any consequence and when we left we said goodbye with no plans to see each other again. I don't like to say I regret anything in this life bc I believe it happens for a reason, but I truly feel remorse for not being honest about how I feel and cutting off the very conversations I had flown across the world for. I have since written him a note saying it was great to see him, and was honest about my feelings and no response thus far. I feel silly detailing all of this here bc it could be a 15 year old's diary entry and I am not typically a silly girl, but here I am.
So rather than obsess about whether I'll hear from him or not, I am beginning Season 2 with the intention to find detachment from the things I want and just allow this life to unfold as it should. I want love. I want a partner in crime, but I realize that I need to reconnect to my higher self and become the whole and confident person I once was before I'll be ready for him. I hope to achieve this by daily meditations, journaling, blogging and trying to remain aware and present throughout the day.
Though I wish the circumstances were different I am very glad to be back here and excited to get back on track. Wish me luck co-creators:)