So I've always wanted to be a writer. I write short stories, though I haven't been super productive since moving to Europe a few years ago. Since then I've been mostly journalling, but writing something or other every day. I'm home on maternity leave and take long walks with my son most days and on these long walks a story idea came to me and has continued to grow in my mind. It's a much bigger project than I have ever attempted and I'm somewhat stuck as to how to develop it. I read loads and have been taking notes as ideas come to me, but I'm not really productive most days and this is what I want to work on. In my earlier seasons and in my life before settling down here, I felt totally awake and connected and was constantly inundated with inspiration. Things to write, places to go, conversations to have and people to meet, everything felt like it was a signpost that I was exactly where I was meant to be.
Now I live in Germany. I have a family and in living with others I find it so easy to get thrown off center and focus on things that I would have never in a million years cared about before. My goals and intentions for this season are to be self-disciplined and productive. But if I'm honest I just want to feel like me again. I want to be patient and kind and light hearted. I want a smile to be my normal face and I want to laugh easily and often. I feel silly writing this but really, I feel like motherhood (or really step-motherhood bc my own baby is pretty fun ;) has made me a horrible reactive person and there's always something wrong and we have to identify who is to blame, yuck, yuck, yuck!
Life is too short and I used to be a really easy going friendly person and today I want to focus on getting back to that. The writing happens, more often when I'm not chasing people down for not cleaning up after themselves...oh my dear lord is this who I've become? I want to be a friend to my step-daughter bc though she's a giant pain in the bum (teenager), she's also a really lovely person and frightfully similar to me. The things I object to in her are...that's right, like looking into a mirror.
Awareness, awareness, awareness. This blog was going to be about working and somehow ended up summing up my day :| I thank you CCOR for the clarity and the opportunity to remind myself of where I've come from and who I really am.