well the day is over and all up, it was a good day ... i think. i'm not 100% sure because it was different, with regards to my eating.
the day started off very early. we were going to the funeral this morning, and driving through a lot of traffic. i was in a rush to get everything ready (get all of my little one's milks and food ready and my water etc). this is going to sound soo bad but i really forgot to have any breakfast. i know that sounds bad and it's very bad for my eating plan because it relies on consistency. it wasn't until much much later on, when my stomach was really hurting (not hunger pains but actual physical pain). i realised what i had done. there wasn't anything i could do. my saving grace was that the funeral had a wake like component and we ate at the church's hall. the food was similar the breakfast my family would eat. well we got there n no-one started eating, they sat around and talked. i was following what i saw because i am not from this culture. i ended up snacking on the food instead of making myself a sandwich. i ate what i'd put in a sandwich but the quantities were off. after 1 Lebanese bread, my tummy was still hurting. so i made a decision to eat more - mentally i thought, perhaps i need to eat for 2 meals and that would stop the tummy pains. well, i ate another, still in the snack style and the tummy pains didn't stop. i told myself it'll be ok. it wasn't until after i was driving home that the fullness hit and then the thirst hit. i drank a lot.
we went to another function, with my mother (so it was unexpected) and the ladies there had food too but i had none because i was feeling so full. i was so proud of myself and amazed at the transformation, that i didn't even feel slightly tempted by food. it's like my whole body and reaction has changed. i only seem to crave food when the time is close to my next meal (like right now), but i am not overly tempted because i can withstand the temptation and i can reach for water instead, which makes me feel better.
so, that brings us to dinner and that's what i'm waiting for now.
today was an exercise day off so but because we were go go go (i did grocery shopping as well) my legs are actually quite tired. i didn't have any caffeine today and i seem fine. nice to know.
on a normal (not season objective based), today was, again, one of the hardest things i've gone through. it was so sad and so hard seeing this older lady (who's very dear) in such pain and hurting so much that her husband of almost 50yrs had passed away. for me, it seemed unreal. it didn't register that he was there in the coffin. but for her, you could see how hard it was for her ... i couldn't imagine what she's going through. she just didn't seem to be able to escape it. i know it's very new, but how does a person move from where she is to acceptance.
for most of the time at the funeral, i was praying for peace and acceptance for her, that somehow, she moves through the grief process quickly so she can be left with her happy memories, so she can be at peace.
thinking about it, even now is making me teary.
i hope she moves through to acceptance and peace soon.
the worse part is, i couldn't help but think that that could be me one day. i have a wonderful man and a wonderful marriage. life is so fragile. i wouldn't know what i would do if anything happened to my husband. he has brought so much love into my life. i'm in such a happy place but that includes him... he's such a big part.
ok, i've got to stop thinking about this. it's making me cry and that's not necessary. but at least i just made a realisation... i believe that no matter what grief i'm going through, i'll always move through into acceptance and grief. i don't know how but i would do it.
so today was good, with regards to my eating plan. i'm not 100% certain because i ate double the quantity i actually thought i should. but i didn't have breakfast ... so who knows. at least it's helped me last until now and i'm normal hungry for dinner.
tomorrow is going to be great. i hope it's an exercise day (unsure because i need to go into my husbands' workplace and i don't know if i'll be able to make it all come together). we're then going to a friends' place for an afternoon cupa and then my mother and i are going over to the lady who's husband passed away. my husband is working late so i thought i'd take the opportunity to go to this ladies' place again. it'll be ok,