First I want to give a great big hug to all those that commented on the blog posts, my page or even sent me a personal email. Yesterday I hit a bottom that actually helped me out. It was a day of frustrations and tears, anger, voices and fears. But when it was all said and done and as I sat quietly in a bubble bath, I couldn't help but smile. I knew that whatever I do there is a bright side on both journeys I go. I do plan on having a long discussion with the hubby over all this. He too knows we need to talk. I'm letting the universe guide us through it, not sure of the outcome yet but I'll take whichever it steers me into.
Before you think it is all bad, I wanted to say I've reflected and looked deep and hard and I still am and will for some time. Someone wrote today, actually there were a few blog posts that sounded just like me, but one of which Meredith
stated, "you blink
back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes
." This was totally my day. But throughout the day, through all the tears and thoughts things, small things but things started happening.
My father called and we talked for a good hour. I spoke with his father for a good while, he's done the AA thing so he knows where my husband is coming from. I even spoke with my mom, who I've had a hard past with. It felt good to talk. I spoke with friends via chat and email and then the kids.
I thought long and hard about something else I'd read can't recall at the moment if it was my blog or another. But how each of us is flawed. Here I was poking at his addiction, while that is a big one but I've also harped on his smoking. I'm a Starbucks gal and he pointed it right out. Granted that to me was a special treat he brought to me and I took it as much as I could because it was a sign of affection and love. I craved it. But also in doing this it became a habit, it also added on the pounds, pounds to which comments are made, I was hurt.
With new eyes, I know I, myself want to lose the weight and look great. I want to fit into some HOT jeans and know I look nice. I'm not saying I want to walk down the street and get any catcallers but still, would it really be a bad thing? hehe. Okay as you can see, I know what I want. I want to lose the belly for starters and I KNOW it can happen. I'm still searching for the pilates. Oh I blogged about this on my personal blog and the husband read it. (about the losing weight) He emailed then called (as we weren't really talking yet, still need to talk) and said we all need to do it and should do it as a family.
Currently I'm enjoying the breeze from outside and reading some books. I've cleaned the fridge, living room, dining room and kitchen and now am relaxing. So nothing huge but nothing small either.