Hi all -
I feel like I have no control over how I'm going to feel every hour over hour, let alone every day. And I hate the fact that it's simply because I don't know what will hit me (finding out something someone said, did, didn't do, etc.) that can make me feel so low without any notice. I hate that I'm letting other things and people effect me so.
Friday was fine. I left work early and chatted with a good friend of mine in Toronto. In the evening, I went to a birthday dinner and out to bar after. "He" was there and behaved like we were still together the whole night (staying by my side, etc.)
Then Saturday, I did some work on my side project and in the evening made plans to go see a movie with a couple of (married) friends. They didn't want to go if "he" didn't go. "He" had said no, but changed his mind at the last minute, so off we went to watch a movie then hang out at the couples' place for a bit. It was fun and reminded me of old times. Again, he acted as though we were still together (no one knows we aren't yet). After the movie, he came over for a while to see my new place and so I could see his new computer laptop since I'm interested in buying one. It was nothing romantic, we just hung out for a bit then he left.
I was really hoping we could sort things out by now and had wanted to go with all our friends for an overnight getaway next weekend to celebrate my birthday. "He" and I talked about it last night and "he" said he won't go since it would be too strange and give me the wrong message since we're not together. Then, why, I ask, do you act like we are??? I got really pissed off and frustrated. I get what he means but I'm getting mixed signals and this is the 3rd birthday of mine in a row he has managed to make awful for me. In the end he agreed he will go and be on good behavior but I don't really want to do anything anymore. I'm far more inclined to just curl up in a ball and not do anything for my birthday and spend it alone. Everytime I've ever tried to plan anything - even when we were together - he made everything so hard. Always excuses or "let me think about it" or some other issue. Nothing can be simple with him. I need someone far more easy-going. Even after all the hurt he has caused me, I keep letting him back in and I keep hoping for better, but these issues don't go away ever. I wish it was easy for me to switch off my feelings and keep them off. I wish I was able to erase memories and move on and be more positive and let external factors and people upset me.