The 100 Day Reality Challenge

2/19/10

To strive for the highest level of peace and beauty every day, to intend joy to flow from me and impress onto the universe a sense of love and joy

 

Because none of this is real anyways, might as well perceive love and contentment, pervasive state of love I feel like someone saw me today. For the first time in a very long time, someone perceived my true being who I really am..I can’t tell you what it was like to be seen, I haven’t felt this way since I was a child. I feel like part of me suddenly exists that did not get acknowledged by the world for a very long time. Since I was seen by my uncle maybe. I was seen by someone who saw me how I really am. That felt good. Maybe this will remind me to see me for who I really am..maybe I have even forgot myself…large parts of me may be returning parts I thought were destroyed and long gone, are returning to reunite and add their beauty and that energy to the whole, this whole growing and learning energy that I am, that encompass me, that I call Stephanie, or steffie. It feels like an intelligent innocence, love, compassion and understanding for the  world. Today I felt was was gonna cry at least a few times, when he described to me and the flow of how I danced sometimes, he described my worst fear of myself, I give and flow, and then I disconnect, I give and flow and then I disconnect….i am afraid and know that this is most likely very true….but the good news is a I can heal through tango..i can relax in the loving arms of another, in the throes of passion, ecstasy, surrender, flow, sensitivity, and I can dance and be beautiful. This is a major excitement ,in tango, when you don’t know what to do you intuitively ask and you intuitively get an answer, it’s like psychic dancing for me, I have felt things tonight that I can’t remember really feeling before…feeling very close to another in a different way.

I have been thinking and talking about my heart over the last few days, with joao telling me open my heart, and this guy…who likes me, not sure how much, the suspicion I feel I need to mention, but the psychic connection is pretty intense and real…I see he enjoys the connection as well..he comments on my energy..so did my mom, I know she’s my mom but I do think that they are right..i do have a beautiful energy, I know I do, sometimes I can’t always get myself around it, and I know its not for everyone..but ..sometimes I feel like I am so lost and other times I see its all the same stuff, it is all nonexistent and nothing really exists at all….not even this computer I write on or my hands that write on this keyboard, all of this is energy…that I perceive…this whole thing is such an incredible mystery that is not for my understanding, only to know the gene is the universe…TRULY IS THE UNIVERSE, that is the GENIE,  ask and you shall receive, and you have so much you still need to learn…so much energy is being changed over, to a sweeter vibration, and more beautiful tone, a more classic and cultured, refined comfortable style, harmonized with the universe to an incredibly beautiful and pervasively joyous and loving tone,…part of me sense that there is so much ice to melt and I fear that it will be painful to unlock all the ice that is frozen in time and space, and look and revisit old deep wounds and memories to allow them to melt away and reveal that meadow with purple and yellow flowers that lay there now

 

My entre for CCOR

Tonight I want to be mindful of all my manifestations recently: This house, with its beautiful painted walls, big windows, washer and dryer, downstream with my money goals, perfect for my dog, dancing, tango, closeness, harmony, love joy, sports, exercise yoga routine with meditation inside, soccer experience, this thinning amazing body that is so healthy and strong, and loves to express through movement and sweaty exercise, not to mention the past amazing manifestations, living here by the beach, having this job, this dog, this life, having and obtain so much of what I had always wanted, these friends in decent proximity, feeling home to some extent, all the amazing creation have come forth as I have allowed, as I learn to allow more and more, relax and let go, allowing the universe to lead, and completely surrender to the universes lead, I will continue to call more and more beautiful desires in to my life, I learn to see myself for who I truly am and reconnected with parts of me that create a whole peace feeling that feels good,. I hold on to that feeling and dance through each moment allowing it to lead me, and guide me, I reconnect to that guidance and movement moment by moment, and I remember the poise that is who I truly am, I reconnect with a beauty and grace that was lost and now found, and I have been found the whole of me. I remember things I have long forgotten. I feel as if all of the past events where just books I read, on experiences that could stretch your sense of self, learning experiences of some child that really saw the world at a young age, and now that stack of books are read, and can be summed up in one joke, or in one summary and now since you learned all that, we will move to the next chapter, letting everything go that u just experienced, which basically means, leave it and focus attention on the opening that allows love in, the opening that divine guidance, quietness, stillness inside that can be followed as guidance..this is the turn in the road….the past is released completely…it isn’t even mentioned unless this cant not be avoided as it is obsolete, all that is noticed and seen is levels of love, and increasing levels of love, trust and surrender..Backed up by lots of prayer, and gratitude..Gratitude for knowing love in the heart number one, for knowing to quit the struggle, and knowing that I have now entered a new chapter, one that can be identified the new chapter that can recognize love as the leader, known in the heart and in the mind..even if we are so close to the front line we can’t sense the love, we know how it works, the outcome is always love, so experience the love now, first before anything else, never lose the point of connection for more than a second, always go right back to following, leading too much can lead to losing the self I think.

 

 

 

2/20/12

The dreams I had last night were sick and had themes of betrayal, vulnerability, shock, boundary crossing, trying to figure it all out and getting shut down, hiding human needs, not being safe, very difficult emotions became released in the visions I experienced, and then again in the dreams from the night before last, brought up feelings of longing and connection with Susana and her sisters, walking on the beach, feelings that connection relaxed, real between friends, and then I think about all that happened last night between alex and me, all that started with tango and the pattern that I had to connected in a beautiful way, disconnect again and connect again, to learn the practice is surrender in the arms of another for the sake of dance, brought me. That was pretty amazing step within itself, so much in just a moment. Without thinking too much in to it, it was healing, melting with little pieces of pain as they melt away. Something that I can’t help but to become aware  that after 29 years of this quest I see that I knew and was so assured of my wholeness, my whole self, my perfection in the eyes of source/god energy/ that I was and am source that I could create by using the power of source, and slowly I got turned around, I got turned around to answer to fear, fear told me I was limited, that I could not or bad things would happen, I would look out to the world and see those around me not acting in god but acting in fear and it was very very very ugly and painful for me to see this, I would cry and scream and fight this very much within my own family and within my own self, I soaked up all of their pain, I soaked up all of their hurts, anger, rhetoric of confusion, and it certainly was a lot. This family had more pain, confusion betrayal, no respect for love, no respect for caring for one another, no respect for individual’s right to be loved just because they are born and exists. Their rules are not rules of love. Just thinking about them now is confusing and painful to me as I am still a being of light strives to become more and more in alignment with source, as a human animal with a mind, I feel the start of anger when I think how “unfair” it is that I have so “ much emotional shit and reprogramming  I am here to deal with” but I also know that this is what I came here to today, this is  the study abroad experience that I had been wanting here…I know that this life is  not forever, I know this because I see my reality change and become impressed right before my eyes.  ( not as quickly as I would like, but never the less changes occur here with focus) my work is to move closer to love every moment, to defrost the parts of me that need tender loving care, rehabilitation, to see again out of that third eye of the heart, the greatest love that I can comprehend, that is what I intend to experience again, just as when I was a child, and I was first here experiencing  this confusion life, I looked out with the grace and knowing that this world would turn out ok for me, that all was to be explained and for the best, I knew this in my heart as my world was being torn apart in front of me time and time again. And just my very survival and faith, I think in a way justified their actions, because once your victim dies, you are guilty of murder..but in my case I never died, I turned the other cheek and prayed and preached to them…they continued in their faulty beliefs and actions..Assumed what they were doing wasn’t that bad. Because after all..i never died. I always triumphed on the outside because I had great faith and a will to live and survive and show the world that I will live on and success more gracefully than one could ever imagine, it was my insides that accumulated all the damage.  What I still find so attractive is the point that tragedy  was striking my life I felt like, I had this sense that I was safe and all would be ok, that I would pray that god forgive them for they didn’t know what they were doing, and they didn’t understand how much pain their actions created its now…the aftermath of years later that I feel so shaky and unsure of myself, so confused at who or what I am in the world if all those things of the past can happen…so unsafe in the world if all those things can happen, if the people that love you the most and you are the closest to, can hurt you and betray you and use you for their own emotional gain, than the world is a scary place. And all of this started up later, much later..it accumulated over time…maybe this is the only way I could learn so much in so little time…only god knows that, the lessons that I am here to learn I need to accept are my path…I HOPE greatly greatly HOPE that I can start to have some experienced in the other direction as I heal, I wonder and hope that god will allow me to experience other things that bring joy and love and hope, and more love to the world, because that is all I really want to do, I do feel some apprehension and fear about healing, if I heal and, what if it all happens again? More tragedy and loss..miranda has a good thing to say about that: as a child, you have no choice you are put where ever the gods put you and whoever is in your life is not really your choice, as you get older you learn what you like and don’t like and you have the choice to be with someone that you like vs. someone one you don’t like, you get better at choosing people who seems safe and real to you, you don’t just hang out with whoever is around you struggling to make the best of a situation you didn’t choose, no…you can shop around for the right feeling about the people you want to spend time with. You shop for who you want. You release the old worries of the past, because you are not in the same place anymore.

For so long I was the entertainer, as alex talked about yesterday, I kept them all busy and it was my job to do so, I made it my job because it was a safe job, better than being at the mercy of those around you, you become in charge and empowered to take on the emotions of others because it is actually safer than being yourself, vulnerable In a dangerous situation… and it was very scary, this is when i truly entered in to the darkness and experienced so many negative bad yucky feelings that I still have a hard time coming to terms with, this was my friends and family that did this to me, the only people I knew in my life, the people closest to me hurt me so badly, and unfairly, victimized and abused me, emotionally put me to in to knots that I still can’t believe that I survived so well. This is the reality, in a larger scope, the world suffers so much misunderstanding, generations of people become disconnected to their source of who they really are and learned to instead fed on the energy of the younger supple generation, maybe out of survival? Maybe that’s all they knew, maybe they were not and are not very wise beings of light, maybe they are still learning the value of human life and love on this planet..this part shows me a lot, this is the part that I can’t get around no matter how hard I try..i would never treat people so badly I would never hurt someone that wanted to help me and heal me so badly no matter what was wrong with me I could never hurt another person, a child, take advantage of that child and hurt that child and neglect and blame a child, to emotionally abuse a child and allow others to also abuse her, for the adults emotional gain..this is truly sick and I feel disgusted even thinking about, but this is the truth of the life that I lived for many many years….i joke that I would have been better off raised by wolves, at least wolves would have fed me, kept me warm, and carried me away from danger or tried to teach me to survive…how is it as humans that some sick people have become so far removed from the basics of taking care of their young, as basic as food and water..i survived  12 years of emotional and physical abuse and neglect,  I was never hit, but I wasn’t necessarily fed, clothed, or cared for, or loved and protected like a child should be…so that is why you see if became class president.  I took care of my abusers, I took care of my mom, my grandmother, my grandfather, my dad, once they left me alone at least,I took care of the school, I continued to take on responsibilities, so that I was empowered and in charge. This is the way I fed myself love and attention, I was in charge of it all. People needed me, they depended on me, they looked up to me, I had social power to protect myself, I had lots of associates to protect me, I felt strong again. I felt guarded again, not open and vulnerable. It was all masked by my amazing creativity.

These things are still denied by the outside world. There are no witnesses. I was an only child and after my uncle died, who did care and love me, there was no one left to see me, only me, and after I while I even forgot who I was and what I was doing here…when for so long even during the pain, I knew gods was behind it all…then I began to give into the darkness and felt myself become taken over  by it all, I think this bred anger, resentment, hate, a cold unfeeling heart from time to time..Sometimes I could not see others suffering…( my ex at the time)  I still crave validation, like a holocaust victim that wants people to know that the holocaust did exist and it was real, because their suffering and mis treatment was real..mine was real too…I look out at the masses, those that hurt me and those that never did and just say…I pray one day you learn the value of love. I pray one day that you learn the value of love, I tried to show you when I was a child, nothing I can do can help you it’s not my job, but I just pray soooo much that you learn the value of love and life..i release anger. I thank you for your being in my life, because you have taught me that abuse hurts, and it is very painful and confusing, but you have also taught me how sad and “low” human life can be.  You are showing me that there is so much need for compassion and love and lessons of love to be here in the world, because so many people are so hurt, and they hurt others in turn….maybe that is what my life can be about now, loves survival of all.  Keep spreading the message of love, love conquers all, love takes over all, love is all there really is, open to this.

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Comment by Elise Wilder on February 27, 2012 at 2:43am

This is a beautifully written blog post Steffie.  Thank you for taking the time to share yourself so deeply and also for your willingness to be so candidly open.  This is heart-centered courage at it's finest!  Tango on my friend!

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