I so wanted my first post.. after I started the challenge..to be on a positive note..(sigh)
But yesterday..I feel all the steps I took/ am taking in the direction of being positive..just went downhill..
How do you handle it..when your husband..
the one person with whom you spend the most amount of time..
oozes negativity towards you.. brings you down..
the past few days have been really very upsetting..
I feel I threw away 15 years of my life..cooking,running,fetching, cleaning for
relatives..friends..entertaining people at home..in a mindless frenzy..
when I could have used my potential to do so much more..
people who don't matter..people who are not important..people who were just using me..
Today it's like I've woken up from my sleep ..and realize 15 years of my life has gone..for what?
that I could do something as stupid as that , without a thought for myself..without a thought for my kids..not attending to my kids needs..
Yes.. thats how needy I was /am..for approval..acceptance..love..
But now I want to release all that..
want to release all my old patterns ..
release all the hurt and pain from these years..
to forgive myself for not looking out for myself..
forgive those around me..most of all my husband..
But these past few days he has been making snide remarks about the change in me..and how he feels like a dead person..since he is totally cut off from the people who matter to him.
(I've stopped letting people into my life .. who I feel are unimportant and who are draining my energy)
So when he makes these snide remarks..it really hurts..
bcoz it tells me.. he doesn't understand my hurt n pain from the past..
that is`still so real for me..
he doesn't understand the gigantic steps I'm taking..in an effort towards transformation ..
He just wants things to be ..like they used to be!!!!
I am seething..inside at the injustice of his thoughts..
I am seething bcoz..he expects me to run and fetch..like I am a his personal slave..
I need to learn to voice my feelings..instead of suffering silently..
I need to learn to be assertive..
anyway..thanks for reading.