The 100 Day Reality Challenge

uuughhhh...am soooo angrrrrrrry...vent, vent,vent....uughh!!!!

sorryy guys..

I so wanted my first post.. after I started the challenge..to be on a positive note..(sigh)

But yesterday..I feel all the steps I took/ am taking in the direction of being positive..just went downhill..

How do you handle it..when your husband..

the one person with whom you spend the most amount of time..

oozes negativity towards you.. brings you down..

the past few days have been really very upsetting..

I feel I threw away 15 years of my life..cooking,running,fetching, cleaning for

relatives..friends..entertaining people at home..in a mindless frenzy..

when I could have used my potential to do so much more..

people who don't matter..people who are not important..people who were just using me..

Today it's like I've woken up from my sleep ..and realize 15 years of my life has gone..for what?

unbelievable..isn't it?

that I could do something as stupid as that , without a thought for myself..without a thought for my kids..not attending to my kids needs..

Yes.. thats how needy I was /am..for approval..acceptance..love..

But now I want to release all that..

want to release all my old patterns ..

release all the hurt and pain from these years..

to forgive myself for not looking out for myself..

forgive those around me..most of all my husband..

But these past few days he has been making snide remarks about the change in me..and how he feels like a dead person..since he is totally cut off from the people who matter to him.

(I've stopped letting people into my life .. who I feel are unimportant and who are draining my energy)

So when he makes these snide remarks..it really hurts..

bcoz it tells me.. he doesn't understand my hurt n pain from the past..

that is`still so real for me..

he doesn't understand the gigantic steps I'm taking..in an effort towards transformation ..

He just wants things to be ..like they used to be!!!!

I am seething..inside at the injustice of his thoughts..

I am seething bcoz..he expects me to run and fetch..like I am a his personal slave..

I know..

I need to learn to voice my feelings..instead of suffering silently..

I need to learn to be assertive..

anyway..thanks for reading.

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Comment by Crystal on August 19, 2010 at 3:19am
Thankyou so much for your understanding and support! Yes..you are both right..I need to focus and meditate on what I want...rather than what's happened.Thanks again for helping me see this...sending you lots of love
Comment by Patty Jarrell on August 18, 2010 at 9:40am
Hello...I was right were you are two years ago and I know exactly how you feel. You have to first learn to love and accept yourself exactly they way you are; you will not believe how much this will change your perspective on everything. Appreciate and be grateful for all the good in your life. You can not change people, your husband has to want to change in order to grow. You however can concentrate on your own journey, your reaction to your husband's negativity will change, you will learn how to understand his point of view without compromising your own beliefs. I agree with the other post, concentrate on how you want your relationship with your husband to be. Meditation is one of the best tools that I have to focus and ground myself to face the challenges of the day. Let go of those feelings of guilt and regret and focus on right now...you can't change the past; but what you do, how your react, how you carry yourself now can shape your future, and remember you are a role model for your children, you will also make a positive change in their lives and how they perceive the world. I know that you are a strong woman because you are on this site and you've shared something very personal with your CCOR family...some people aren't even able to take that step. Sending you good positive vibes and I wish you the best of luck.
Comment by Fortunate Fortunate on August 18, 2010 at 8:35am
Please, try to focus on what you want...inyour relationship with your husband....keep focused there only..Also try to meditate with what you want....And you will be surprised how the things change....Good luck Dear...May God bless you

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