I glanced at the calendar and realized that Valentines Day is two weeks away. I am once again single on this couple's holiday, but then I realize that hey, I can buy my own flowers, jewelry and candy and stuff! Then the thought of all my friends posting pictures of their roses, romantic dinners, and gifts that their significant other has surprised them with on February 14th makes me nauseous and I realize that I have a love/hate relationship with LOVE.
Why, after heartbreak, do we go back for more? Yes, some people become bitter, hardened, distant, and cold from a break up, I fear that I am slowly becoming one of these people. And yet, there are those that continue to pursue their true love, or soul mates, even after heartache and they do it with such ease. I wonder if there really is truly only one person that we are meant to be with for the rest of our lives, and in a world of billions of people, how do we know where that person is? Do we need to wander the Earth until we find our true love, or do we merely have to open our hearts and allow that special person to enter our lives?
I have never truly embraced my singleness, I was married for seventeen years, and after my divorce I had what I thought was a relationship with someone who I thought was the "one", I wanted so much for him to be the 'one', but after some reflection I realized that it was just a sexual relationship. I tried convincing myself that it was more to make myself feel better for all the stupid things that I did while we were together.
I am on an online dating site, but very rarely go out on a date, I mostly delete the messages that people send to me and think to myself, really this is the type of person that I am attracting? I am however constantly on the look out-for the "one" or my soul-mate, but often wonder if I am truly ready for any type of long term relationship at this time in my life. There are so many times when I am sad and lonely and wish for someone in my life, but really who the heck wants to be with someone who is sad and lonely? No wonder I'm attracting the wrong type, I'm putting out the wrong type of vibrations, and until I am truly happy with myself I will continue to attract the wrong type of person.
I'm still unsure if we all have soul mates, or if the 'one' exists, and let's face it, I'm single because I choose to be single. I am however grateful for every relationship that I have been in because it has taught me something about myself and now I can honestly say that I am thankful for all the love, the tears,and the heartbreak that I have experienced along the way. So, with Valentines Day only two weeks away I have made the decision to love myself unconditionally, remain open to receiving love, but not obsessed with finding the "one". There is a good possibility that I will be alone this Valentines Day, but I will not be lonely.
Sending happy and good thoughts to all the CCOR community.